Love and Loss
by jellybeanpink84
Summary: Set after Edward leaves Bella in New Moon. Rated M for mature themes - self harm, suicide attempt, adult scenes. E x B
1. The Evasion of Sleep

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, possible smut later on.**

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It had been far too long since I had slept through the night... slept at all really. Aside from the occasional ten minute cat nap I would catch while preparing supper for Charlie and myself or the five minute nap during calculus class, sleep continually evaded me. It wasn't for lack of trying, I laid in bed night after night, closing my eyes, trying every relaxation technique there was, even resorting to sleep aids; but nothing worked. It didn't help that the second I would close my eyes I would see his face... hear his voice... feel his hands.

"Bells? Are you alright?" Charlie's voice wasn't as concerned as it once was, he was asking if I was okay, but I knew he no longer meant it in the literal sense... no, now Charlie was only worried that I would slip back in to the catatonic state I had been in for months after he had left.

"I'm fine dad. I just really, really need a decent night's sleep." I sighed at the end of this statement. Charlie knew I didn't sleep any longer, he knew I woke up after only a few minutes with ear-piercing nightmares, he saw me wander the house at all hours of the night, trying to do something, to push thoughts of him out of my mind.

"I know you said that you didn't Bells, but do you want to try and find them... track them down and tell them off... get some closure?" I wanted this more than I could describe, but I was also stubborn.

"No. I don't want anything to do with them. They left without a good-bye, he didn't want me dad and I'm not going to go tracking him to God only knows where to feel that pain again." I ranted calmly to him and saw his face grimace at what I'm sure were his memories of me after they first left.

It took almost three months for me to begin speaking, eating, and talking again and once I had the first person I really talked to was surprisingly Charlie. It had shocked us both but it had also turned out to be the first step in my healing. Of course I could never have told Charlie everything, anything vampire related was out of the question, but Charlie wasn't stupid, he knew they were different and while he had called me on it, had never wanted to know why they were different, what they were. Knowing that Charlie was able to identify some of their differences made it easier when I explained about how hard I had fallen for Edward, how I still believed that he was my mate... how his kind only mated once during their existence.

"Let me know if you change your mind." Charlie was giving up easily tonight, normally this conversation went on much longer, Charlie was for some reason convinced that I had to see him, had to face him one more time.

"I think I'm going to head upstairs and try the new sleeping pills that Dr. Hatley had prescribed at my last appointment... maybe I'll be able to get at least a few hours." Charlie didn't say anything, he simply nodded his head and continued to stare at the blank television screen.

As I made my way slowly up the stairs I could feel the burn as the small cuts on my legs stretched with the movement and I smiled to myself, relief flooding through me at the feeling. I had been getting better recently. Nine months had passed since the night he left me alone in the woods. Three months I had been catatonic, and the last six I had spent in therapy... seeing both a Psychiatrist and a therapist to try and help me get through this. I laughed at that thought though... nobody knew about my self harm yet. Although I didn't cut as often anymore as I had when I first came out of my trance I still did it occasionally when I got overwhelmed from the pain of him leaving me, from the ache that never left my chest.

The window was open when I finally made it up into my bedroom and I shivered slightly at both the chill and the slight hope that blossomed before I looked around at the empty bedroom. Of course he wouldn't be here... he wasn't coming back... he would never come back. I started to shake myself out of it and began to walk towards the closet to pull out my pajamas when I tripped on the floor, landing hard on my face.

"Damn it." I growled as I pushed myself up and then stopped in my tracks, realizing what I had tripped on to begin with.

"Are you okay Bells?" Charlie called from midway up the stairs.

"I'm fine dad... I just tripped and fell on my face." I explained and moved towards the object that had tripped me, the loose floorboard at the foot of my bed.

"Do you need ice or anything?" Charlie didn't try to come any closer and I said a silent thank you.

"No, I'll be fine. Good night Dad."

I stared at the loose floorboard for a minute before I decided to pull it up, my reasoning completely unknown to myself. The cry that escaped my lips was a cross between an angry surprise and bitter agony, I quickly recovered slapping my hand over my mouth to silence it.

I took several deep calming breaths before I continued on and pulled the first item out of the make-shift cubby hole, tears springing to my eyes instantly as I thumbed through the small stack of photographs.

"Edward..." I whispered as I glanced at the picture that Alice had taken at my birthday party, the last time we had been together and been happy.

I glanced quickly at the rest of the items that had been tucked into the hole: More pictures, new fake documents the Cullens had created for me after the incidence with James, my blue shirt... the one that Edward loved, notes we had passed between us during class, my birthday presents – my CD.

The ache in my chest was now crushing me and I knew that I couldn't continue on any longer... not after finding this... after feeling the reminder of what we had that I had lost. Moving quickly I put the CD and the single picture of Edward and I on my bed and shoved everything else back inside the hole.

I changed into the softest cotton pajamas I owned and cleaned my face up, grabbing the blade that I kept hidden under my mattress and settling down on the bed.

I knew what I wanted... what I needed to happen now and my determination swelled. First I made a few quick but not deep cuts across my left calf, adding to the ladder and pattern of criss-cross scars that were already there. I smiled as I watched the blood trickle slowly down my legs towards my ankle... it was ironic how much I craved blood now that they were out of my life... it was the one reminder that they could never have kept away from me.

Sighing I took a deep breath and held the blade for the first time ever to my left arm, feeling my pulse pick up as I readied myself to take on the task.

Then I heard the phone ring.

I shook myself out of it my thoughts as Charlie stomped towards the kitchen and then began to pound quickly back towards the stairs, calling my name the whole way. I grabbed the hand towel from under my bed and wiped the blood roughly off my leg before wrapping my blade in it and shoving it back underneath the far side and yanking my pant leg down, tucking myself under the covers just as Charlie burst through my door.

"What's the matter Dad?" I asked him innocently as I sat up in bed, feigning grogginess.

"I just... what were you doing Bella?" he demanded, his voice was strained and I felt the pangs of guilt as I realized what I had almost caused him.

"I had just started to fall asleep..." I lied quietly and as if to back me up my body decided that now was the perfect time to yawn.

"Huh..." he seemed unsure of what to say and I watched as he struggled with his thoughts.

"Bella... I just got a phone call... some kid just called to tell me you were going to kill yourself tonight... I just... it isn't true is it?" I guess he decided that just asking outright was the most direct way to go.

"Seriously Dad?" I still felt bad lying to him but I was not going to risk having to undergo another forced Psych evaluation by telling him the truth.

"I took one of the new pills that Dr. Hatley prescribed and was just about to fall asleep... I know that I'm depressed, I admit that and I'm doing everything that I can to work through it. I'm taking my prescriptions, I'm going to my therapy and Dr's appointments. I can't believe that you doubt me like that." I felt the tears well up in my eyes but it wasn't because he didn't trust me, it was because he was right, he shouldn't.

"I'm sorry Bells, I should have known better and I should trust you more. You've been so good at taking care of yourself and finding the help that you've needed. I'm sorry." He hung is head and I grimaced at the hurt on his face.

"It's okay Dad, I'm glad that you care but I'm honestly fine." I whispered and he looked up, nodding his head at me before turning to leave the room.

"Hey Dad?" I called as he got to the door. He paused and looked back at me.

"Who did you say that was that called? I'd like to let them have it the next time I see whoever it was." I tried to smile to lighten the work but I think it came out as more of a grimace.

"I don't know Bells, I ran up here too fast to think about asking for their name... it was some young girl though, kinda reminded me of Al... never mind, good night Bella." Charlie continued out of the room and back downstairs before I could begin to process what he had said.

"Alice? Could it have really been her? It was really the only explanation that made sense to me and yet... why would she care... why would she try and stop me... why would she even be seeing me." I let the thoughts invade my mind as I laid in bed staring at the ceiling. Finally deciding that it was time to give up trying to figure it out, I decided to really give the sleeping pills a try and pulled the bottle out of my nightstand.

Unscrewing the cap I popped two in my mouth, swallowing them down dry and put the bottle down beside my alarm clock. While I waited for the groggy, drowsy feeling that taking sleep aids often caused I reached back down under the bed and found the towel that was wrapped around my blade and pulled it carefully out, throwing the bloodied towel towards the hamper in the corner and tucking the blade back into it's home under my mattress, within arm's reach. I glanced at the clock and noted the time... 9:53pm.

I was still feeling jittery and uneasy as I rolled back over and decided to do something that I hadn't done since he'd left me. I opened the lid to my CD player and pulled his CD out, plopping it into the top and hitting play, the sound of the soft lullaby quickly filling the silence in the room. I made sure that the CD was on repeat and tucked myself carefully into my bed, swaddling myself tightly in the covers as I laid back down on my back, closing my eyes and willing sleep to find me.

11:16pm. Still wide awake I felt the anger begin to bubble inside me as my lullaby began to play for the second time. I was relaxed, I should be asleep.

11:33pm. I'm so tired but sleep won't find me. I just want to sleep, I just want to forget. Reaching over I grab the bottle of sleeping pills and pull the cap off, setting it down on the table beside m. I tip the bottle and two more pills come out onto my hand. I put them in my mouth and again swallow them dryly, putting the bottle back beside me, not bothering to put the cap back on. I roll to my side and face away from the window, closing my eyes and picturing his face in my mind.

12:02am. I still haven't slept, I've closed my eyes and had memories play, haunting my mind, I've gotten up to get a drink of water from the bathroom because my mouth felt like cotton, but no, sleep hasn't claimed me yet. I take two more pills from the bottle and this time take them with a swig of water. Before I put the glass back down I decide that two pills at a time isn't enough and take two more pills quickly from the bottle. I lay back down and close my eyes softly.

12:17am. How am I supposed to sleep with the incessant pounding in my chest. My heart feels like it's going to break right through my body. It's loud and hard and I squeeze my eyes together tightly, trying to ignore it.

12:38am. My heart is still pounding and I'm trying to think of it as soothing instead of irritating. I imagine that this is what the end of a vampire's transformation feels like as the lullaby begins to play again in the background. I'm still not sleeping and my brain thinks that maybe a couple more pills will finally do it, finally put me to sleep. My hand is shaking as I reach over to the table beside me and try to grab the bottle. I swipe at it but miss the first time, shifting and focusing so that the second time it fits securely in my hand. I tip it and note that I'm still shaking, six... or is that seven... pills fall onto my hand and I shoot them all into my mouth, closing my eyes and swallowing them dryly. I try to set the pill bottle back down but it slips and lands on it's side on my nightstand, the small pills spilling out around it.

1:11am. The room is fuzzy and I tried to sit up but I felt pretty dizzy so I laid back down again. I could hear a song playing somewhere in my room and tried to remember what CD I had put in. I can't hear clearly because my heart is thrumming so hard in my chest it's drowning out everything else. I can't even hear myself breathing. I look beside the bed and see the bottle of pills that have spilled on the bedside table and pick up a small handful – one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine – pills are in my hand and I can't remember what I was going to do with them so I open my mouth and throw them all in with a shaky hand, spilling water down the front of my shirt when I tried to follow them with a drink.

1:19am. It's been a long time since I last took my pills I think. I'm still not sleeping and my heart is still hammering in my chest. My shaky hand has a hard time picking up the bottle and putting the pills in my hand but I manage to get a few into my mouth, some spilling onto the hardwood floor in the dark.

2:43am. I can't sleep and I swear that I saw someone jump into my room through my window but I can't see them anywhere. I reach over to take more pills and realize that the bottle is now empty. I find one more pill on the nightstand and pop it into my mouth, swallowing quickly before opening up the drawer and pulling another bottle out. Another sleep aid I had tried once or twice but it hadn't worked so I stopped taking it. It took a little bit of effort to take the cap of this bottle and I heard the gentle ping as it fell to the floor beside the bed. I poured six pills into my hand and swallowed them, not bothering with water.

2:55am. I don't understand. Why am I still awake. My heart is pounding and I feel angry. My body is aching and trembling and it feels like I'm in the middle of an earthquake the way that my body is shaking. I grab the bottle and take out sight more pills, putting them in my mouth one by one and following. I close my eyes and lay back down.

3:02am. I blink and feel heavy. There's a heavy fog around me and I grab four more pills as I realize that I'm almost there, almost sleeping.

4:01am. Charlie will be waking up for his early morning shift soon and I still haven't slept but I'm so close. I pull the bottle onto the bed and dump the remaining contents, putting the pills one by one into my mouth until I close my eyes and finally feel myself floating, I try to move to keep taking the pills but I can't, it's dark and I let myself relax, I feel my hold on my consciousness releasing as I feel like I'm floating away.

I can't move, I can't open my eyes, I can't even hear the music anymore. I don't care, I'm finally sleeping.


	2. Waking Up

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, possible smut later on.**

_**I can't move, I can't open my eyes, I can't even hear the music anymore. I don't care, I'm finally sleeping.**_

"Bella?" I hear the soft voice calling my name and I try to pull myself out of the fog that I feel surrounding me. I must have finally fallen asleep which, when the knowledge hits causes a great sense of relief which combined with the heaviness makes me stop fighting the fog and allow it to settle down around me again.

I drift back and forth between deep heavy sleep and barely conscious several times. Sometimes the soft voice would be in the room with me, gently calling my name, trying to coax me out of sleep, sometimes it was silent aside from the incessant beeping from somewhere surrounding me.

Finally I feel the heaviness begin to actually lift off of me and I think about getting up. Charlie's probably already at work but there were still things to do around the house. After procrastinating for several minutes I decide that it's time to get up and blink my eyes rapidly, instantly confused by my surroundings.

I'm not in my room.

I struggle against the dizziness and sit up quickly, taking in my surroundings as I feel the pull in the back of my left hand. I look down and groan when I see the iv that has been inserted into my hand, my throat is aching and I know instantly where I am.

The walls of the room were probably cream colored even though I couldn't be sure because of he darkness, there was a single square window on the wall behind me, bars across the opening to prevent any 'accidents'. I looked up at the ceiling and saw the small round camera in the corner that would no doubt be recording my every move in this room. I continued to look around, a small hospital side table sat beside the bed, nothing on it, nothing in it. I looked towards the door of the private room and saw that it was closed but not locked, a white cloth hung in the latch preventing me from being contained.

My throat was aching and hoarse and the rest of my body didn't feel so great either. I tried to remember what had brought me back to the hospital's Psychiatric ward and as I did the memories seemed to flood me all at once.

"Shit. What the Hell was I thinking?" I groaned and slapped my palm to my face. I knew what they thought I had tried to do, I knew what that meant for me now.

As I sat in the bed listening to the silence of the ward I blasted myself with thoughts of self-hatred, noting the irony of what had happened. I was going to kill myself, but not like this... the pills... I just wanted to sleep.

I shifted slightly and felt the pain of my overly full bladder. Sighing I grabbed the pillow from behind me and used it to put pressure on my hand as I gently lifted the tape holding my iv in place and quickly jerked the needle out of my skin. There was a small splattering of blood and I counted to thirty before I removed the pressure and sighed in relief that the bleeding had stopped. Slowly I swung my feet over the side of the bed and stood up, steading myself against the wall before taking my first tentative step towards the door.

I opened the door and looked around, not shocked at the confirmation of where I was. I had been here once before, just after coming out of my catatonic state I had admitted myself, not sure what else to do. Now here I was again after what I'm sure will be deemed a suicide attempt. This time I was in the end room, right next to the case room where the crisis workers and Psychiatrists would come to talk to me. In front of me was the common area and I glanced down the row of tables, spotting only one other patient out of bed at this hour. She looked to be about my age and was sitting silently at a table playing a game of solitaire. I turned to the right and passed two more patient rooms with doors closed before I got to the bathroom. I turned the handle and let myself in, using the steel toilet to empty my bladder. When I was finished I tried to look at myself in the filthy mirror but couldn't see very much.

I sighed and made my way out of the washroom and across the common area to the enclosed nurses station where I waited patiently at the window until the nurse on duty looked up at me.

"What can I do for you Isabella?" she asked warmly and I smiled at her.

"I'm incredibly thirsty. Can I get some water?" I asked hoarsely and she stood up, disappearing and returning a moment later with a large Styrofoam cup filled with ice water.

"Thank you." I said as I took the cup and chugged the water down. My throat still burned but I felt much better once I had drank it all.

"If you want to go sit down at one of the tables Isabella, I'll call the crisis worker in to talk to you." she smiled at me and I walked to the table next to the girl playing Solitaire, sitting down and tapping my fingers nervously as I stared at the locked door that kept us all secure in this unit.

"I'm Keira." the girl said without looking up from her cards. The last thing that I wanted was to talk to other patients right now but I also didn't want to be rude to her.

"Bella." I replied and she paused her game to look up at me.

"I'm being transferred to Seattle in a few hours. Apparently I'm too crazy for them to fix here." she laughed and I looked at her curiously. She didn't seem crazy.

"I believe in things that they say aren't real so they tell me I have schizophrenia and a whole list of other mental problems." she shrugged and went back to her game. I didn't reply because I knew that by that definition I would also be deemed crazy.

Thankfully a woman in jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt entered the common area and came towards my table. She looked tired and her hair was pulled into a sloppy pony-tail, her face was pale and her eyes worn. Somehow I didn't think she was going to have much patience left.

"You must be Isabella. Let's go and have a talk in the case room." she smiled but it wasn't warm as I stood up and followed her back to the small room, sitting in a chair at the round table and waiting for the questioning to begin.

"Why don't you start by telling me why you are here Isabella?" she didn't really look at me as she opened up her folder and began taking notes.

"I think because I took too many sleeping pills." I answered honestly.

"And why did you take too many sleeping pills?" She asked and I shrugged before answering verbally.

"It wasn't a suicide attempt. I haven't been able to sleep for months and I was just trying to sleep... I guess a part of me knew that it was dangerous to take so many but I was just so tired." I answered as honestly as I could, knowing that lying would get me nowhere.

"Isabella, are you going to honestly sit there and tell me it wasn't a suicide attempt? The report I have here says that you took somewhere around sixty pills in one night. That doesn't exactly sound like an accident." she looked down her glasses at me and I shrank back in my chair.

"I had been thinking of suicide earlier in the night, but I was thinking of slitting my wrists not over-dosing. I changed my mind and decided to try the new pills Dr. Hatley had prescribed instead. After the first two didn't seem to make a difference I took two more and then two more, and by then my mind is fuzzy, I remember the pills spilling, I remember taking a handful, I don't know what I was thinking, but honestly at that point I just wanted to sleep." I was mumbling but she didn't ask me to speak up.

"Isabella, at this point you are being held for a mandatory seventy-two hour evaluation. I will pass this information on to Dr. Eves who will be in tomorrow morning to meet with you. Your father also wanted you to call him whenever you woke up no matter what time it is so if you want you can use the pay phone at the other end of the common area. Do you have any questions?" she asked and I got the feeling that despite her job she really didn't give a damn.

"What day is it?" I asked meekly as she stood up before giving me a chance to reply.

"It's Friday." she answered and I gasped in shock. The incident with the pills had been almost two days ago, I'd been unconscious the entire time.

I left the case room and returned to my own bed, climbing in and pulling the blankets around me tightly, allowing the first tears of the day to escape my eyes as I felt my sore body heave with the sobs.

"I hate you Edward Cullen." I choked out, squeezing my eyes shut and willing sleep to come back, to keep me safe.


	3. To Forget Him

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

_*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, possible smut later on.**_

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"_**I hate you Edward Cullen." I choked out, squeezing my eyes shut and willing sleep to come back, to keep me safe.**_

Being a patient in the adult mental health unit isn't the most pleasant experience and in my life has so far been the loneliest place I've been. I understood why I was there, what had forced them to keep me here and I didn't fight it. I knew that there was something wrong with me, that I was no longer normal, that I would never be normal.

"Why do you clutch your chest like that Isabella?" This was my second meeting with my new Psychiatrist – Dr. Eves – the first hadn't gone very well, I had begun to hallucinate and became violent and angry after only a few minutes into her interrogation of my actions. I was told that it was an effect of the drugs in my system, but I knew better, it was the same hallucination that I had been having for months.

"Because it hurts." I answered and clutched it tighter.

"What hurts?" she asked without looking up at me.

"My chest, it aches. The pain is intense and sometimes I can't breath. Dr. Hatley told me it was all Psychological and I was projecting emotional pain into physical pain." Dr. Eves finally looked up at me and I watched her study my face for a moment before moved on with her questions.

"Why don't you explain to me a little bit about your depression."

"It started when my boyfriend left me last September." she cut me off and I began to get annoyed instantly.

"What was your boyfriend's name?" she asked and I gritted my teeth together. I hated saying his name.

"Edward Cullen."

"Dr. Cullen's son?" I rolled my eyes before answering her.

"Yes I was dating Dr. Cullen's son Edward Cullen." I spat out, trying to keep my calm. I hated saying his name and I hated that everyone here knew him. I also hated that I wasn't good enough for him and that I could see that they all thought the same thing.

"Alright Isabella, continue but if you speak about Edward you need to say his name." she told me and began scribbling on her note-pad again.

"As I was saying, Edward left me last September and because I do believe in fate and that we were meant to be together I was crushed. He broke up with me in the woods outside of my house and when he left I chased after him getting lost in the woods. The longer that we were apart the more my chest began to ache. When they finally found me I was curled up in a ball on the forest floor and from this point on the next few months are pretty fuzzy in my mind. I don't remember much of it at all. My dad told me that I pretty much just laid in bed staring at the ceiling... I only got up to use the washroom and he had to practically force me to eat. I stayed that way for three months until one day it was like I just snapped. I started to freak out, I don't know what triggered it but I just exploded and went on a rampage. I destroyed my bedroom and screamed at Charlie, I yelled at Edward who obviously wasn't there but when I was done I began to feel slightly better. That night I talked to Charlie and asked him to bring me here... I wanted to get help, I wanted to feel better." I took a deep breath and was relieved that I had gotten through that part without breaking down into tears again.

"How are you feeling now Isabella?" the doctor asked and I couldn't help the bitterness that entered my mind at her lack of true concern.

"To be honest... I'm confused. I've been hallucinating at home for months, I feel a physical ache and I know what this has done to Charlie... my dad. I think I need to be getting more help than I've been getting as an outpatient." I whispered my answer, not sure why but I was determined to get some actual help, to try to move through this.

I thought back to the girl I had met when I had first arrived in the unit, Keira. After my initial crying jag she had shared her story and how she believed in mythical creatures. They were things that she knew weren't real but she had seen them. Not vampires like me but werewolves. She claimed that she had seen wolves that changed into boys on the La Push beach on several occasions and I couldn't help but wonder what kind of mythical world Forks was. But she had needed help... she had been transferred to the Seattle Mental Health Institute. Maybe they could help me too. Maybe I could forget.

"You haven't mentioned the hallucinations to Dr. Hatley before have you?" when she spoke she pulled me out of my thoughts and I took a minute to collect myself.

"No. I knew that it makes me seem even crazier when I talk about them. I see him though, I hear him talk to me. There are other things to. I see things that I don't think are real. Like a nightmare but I'm not sleeping, I'm awake." I didn't want to go into detail about what exactly I had been seeing but if it would get me something or somewhere to help me forget then maybe I should.

"Can you elaborate for me about what you are seeing?" She asked but her voice was dry and bored as she continued to look down at her clip-board and not at me.

I took a deep breath and then told him.

"Victoria. It's a woman with fiery red hair and crimson eyes. She's a vampire and I think she's trying to kill me." My chest released a pang of guilt. I had sworn that I wasn't going to say anything about their existence and even though I wasn't giving away the Cullens I was giving away their kind.

Finally Dr. Eves' head popped up and she looked at me differently than she had previously.

"I think that's enough for today Isabella. I'm going to go over your file and we'll meet again tomorrow. I'm also going to consult with Dr. Hatley about what we've talked about today if you are okay with that." I nodded my head, surprised that there were no more questions, nothing else that she wanted to know. I remembered why I had greatly preferred my therapy appointments to my Psychiatric appointments.

When she dismissed me I went right out the door of the case room, turning and walking directly into my room, closing the door behind me and laying down on my back, staring up at the ceiling.

* * *

I spent the next four days between my room and the common area of the Forks General Hospital Psychiatric ward. Charlie came by everyday to visit, bringing me a deck of cards, several books, and clean pajamas. I met with Dr. Eves twice more and my crisis worker every day. The doctors were all confused. I still wasn't sleeping and the new anti-depressants weren't making any difference. The big thing though was that I was still seeing things, Edward had become my constant unwanted companion and I was regularly seen and heard arguing with nothing. But he was there.

By Thursday I was meeting with Charlie in the case room one final time before my transfer to Seattle.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay Bells?" he was sitting across from me at the round table and I was looking at my hands, trying not to cry.

"I'll be fine dad. This is going to be good for me. Maybe I'll be able to let go and move on finally... be happy." I smiled at him to show him that I was going to be okay.

"I'm sorry I wasn't a better father to you Bella." Charlie was mirroring my position and I could feel the guilt rolling off of him as he sat there.

"Dad... you didn't do anything wrong. Thank you for being there for me." I was losing it and knew that I wouldn't be able to go much longer without my well of tears bursting through. I was grateful to my dad, he had been beyond understanding and I felt horrible for causing him so many problems. I was also hurt by Renee, my mom. She hadn't called once in the week that I had been here and Charlie hadn't wanted to tell me but she had said during one of their conversations that I was just too much for her to handle.

"I'll be there on Saturday to visit and you can call me whenever you need to, if you need anything or if you want me to bring you anything. I love you Bells," he stood up and squeezed my shoulder before leaving the case room and I was glad for his quick exit and his awkwardness in showing affection. In the long run it made things easier on both of us.

I let the first tears slip and made my way slowly back out to the common area. My things were already packed in a white hospital bag with my name on it and I was just waiting on Patient Transfer Services to get me there.

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**A/N: The next chapters will be longer and the Cullens should be reintroduced to the story soon.**


	4. New Surroundings

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

_*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, possible smut later on.**_

_**I let the first tears slip and made my way slowly back out to the common area. My things were already packed in a white hospital bag with my name on it and I was just waiting on Patient Transfer Services to get me there.**_

I spent the ride to the Seattle Psychiatric Hospital in silence as I stared out the small window of the Patient Transfer vehicle. I watched as the world flew by, the trees and houses and cars flying by. I was leaving this world behind, at least for a little while, and I was surprised that it didn't bother me all that much. I knew I needed help.

I had never been to or even seen a Psychiatric hospital before aside from in the horror movies that Renee used to watch so of course I was surprised when I saw the plain white building in front of me. Obviously you could tell it was a hospital but there was nothing specific about it to give it away as anything but a normal hospital.

When I entered it was much the same. We were met immediately by an aide wearing powder blue scrubs and she smiled warmly at me as she signed the papers the transfer service presented her and grabbed my white hospital bag of personal items.

"I'm Lynn, I work in the unit that you've been assigned to Isabella." she introduced herself and I smiled at her softly.

"It's just Bella." I told her as she turned and began to walk, I followed behind her as she lead me through a series of corridors, eventually ending up at the very back of the hospital.

We were in a large common room and she asked me to wait there while she turned and walked towards the nurses station, placing my bag behind the counter and grabbing a clip-board before coming back to me.

"We just have to go through your personal items to make sure there is nothing against the rules and then you'll get them back. For now let's show you to your room and let you get settled." she was speaking quickly and I had to fight myself against rolling my eyes at her.

"This is the common room. You can come here anytime, there are games, books, the television. You can also go out these doors to the gardens if you want to get some fresh air. If you go that way there you can get to the cafeteria." She led me out of the common room and down a hallway with doors on either side, most of them wide open. I saw a few patients doing various things in their rooms and was relieved at how normal they all seemed.

When Lynn stopped at a door at the end of the hallway I was again relieved that I was at the end of the hallway. She pushed the door open and I walked in behind her, not surprised at the small size and the emptiness of the room. There was a single bed on the left hand wall, a small nightstand beside it. On the right hand wall was a small three drawer dresser. The only other thing in the room was a barred window, too small and too high up to be able to see anything.

"This is your room Bella. We have strict rules about patients entering other patients rooms. If you are caught in another patient's room or vice versa you will lose some of your privileges here. You are also expected to come out to the cafeteria for your meals everyday. You will hear meal times announced on the PA system, and if you hear the bell ringing it means it is time for medications which you can get at the nurses station. The washrooms are directly across the hallway, if you need to shower you need to ask at the nurses station and one of us will accompany you." she finished her speech and I simply stared at her, finally acknowledging everything that she had said with a slight nod.

"It's almost lunch time if you want to start heading towards the cafeteria and after lunch I will come and get you for your appointment with your doctor." she smiled again and I suddenly wanted to smack her. She was too smiley, too happy.

Finally she turned and left the room, leaving me feeling lonelier than I ever had and I clutched my chest absently as I exited my own room and began heading back towards the common area.

"Bella!" I heard the screech of the petite girl before I saw her and I turned just in time to see her skid to a stop by my side.

"Hi Keira." I smiled at her and kept walking.

"Why'd you get sent here?" she was so bubbly and with her small size and endless energy I couldn't help but be reminded of Alice, the girl who I had once thought of as my sister.

"I'm like you. I see things that aren't real, I believe in supernatural things, I'm depressed, I have outbursts." I didn't mind sharing a little bit of information with her, and honestly I hoped that she would share more with me.

Keira changed the topic then, moving on to tell me about the hospital, about the other patients, about the food, the doctors, the aides, the nurses. By the time we reached the cafeteria my head was sore and I was trying to block out some of her bubbliness.

Lunch went smoothly and when I had finished eating Lynn had found me and excused me from Keira, taking me down a short hallway and stopping at a door, the tag on the door reading Dr. Kline. Just before Lynn knocked on the door I felt a hand on my shoulder and I turned my head slightly to see Edward beside me, a warning look in his eyes.

"Leave me alone Edward." the words slipped out of my mouth as the door opened and a tall man stood looking at us curiously.

"Don't go in there." Edward's voice warned and I rolled my eyes.

"I told you to leave me alone!" my voice was shrill and I could feel myself becoming hysterical so instead I turned to look in front of me, taking slow deep breaths.

"Isabella?" the man in front of me asked when I had regained my composure.

"I'm sorry, yes, I'm Bella." I said to him and he walked back into his office, Lynn leading me in and sitting me down in a chair across from him.

The appointment went fairly similar to the ones I had recently had at the Forks hospital, he questioned why I was there, when my depression started, when the hallucinations began and what I hallucinated about. He asked about my lack of sleep and the medications that I had been on. I answered his questions honestly and without much emotion before my session ended and he informed me that he was going to try a new combination of medications and he would be seeing me every second day for a little while.

When we were done I stood up and he came around the desk, placing a hand on my shoulder and for some reason I felt suddenly anxious, I was no longer comfortable.

I made it back down the hall, turning and going through the common area to get back to my room. I was glad when I saw my belongings that I had brought sitting on my bed, the bag nowhere in sight. Quickly I put my pajamas and clean undergarments in the dresser, my books in the drawer of the night stand. I pulled out the top book and laid on my back on the bed, staying that way until I heard the announcement for dinner. After dinner I returned to my room, laying on my back and staring at the ceiling until it was time for my new medication.

That night I still didn't sleep and by the next day I was feeling agitated and miserable. Keira tried to talk to me but I pushed her away repeatedly, telling her that I was tired and needed to be left alone. I spent the entire day in my room, coming out only for meals and medications.

By nine I was exhausted and praying for sleep to encompass me but instead of sleeping I ended up pacing my room, the hallway, the common room. I felt as though I was on some sort of high, everything seemed more defined, my body more sensitive.

My three in the morning I was back at the nurses station trying to tell them what was going on.

3:04am. "I can't sleep again and now I feel more wired then anything. My skin is feeling prickly, when I walk it feels wonky, like the walls are shifting as I move." I tried to explain it to the nurse on duty, her only suggestion being that exhaustion was causing my body to react this way and to go back to my room and try to sleep.

4:14am. I'm still awake. The water marks on the ceiling are shifting shapes and went from ugly yellow stains to cute little baby ducks and beautiful butterflies with intense patterns.

5:51am. I haven't slept yet. I tried to get up to go to the washroom but fell down several times on the way and by the time I got there I was so nauseous that I threw up everything I had eaten yesterday. I'm heading back to my bed now to try again to get some sleep. I'll be seeing Dr. Kline again today so maybe he'll know what to do to help me with this new mental problem.

8:02am. I finally slept, it was only an hour but it was a start. I still feel wonky but the feeling is starting to dissipate a little bit. Charlie's coming today and I don't want him to see me like this.

9:22am. I missed breakfast because of the dizziness, I'm having a hard time moving without the entire room spinning.

10:00am. Dr. Kline came in to see me and didn't seem to be concerned with what's been happening. I told him that I thought it was the new medication and he agreed to try something else.

11:00am. Sarah, an aide came in to take me to one of the visitor rooms, Charlie is here to see me.

"Hey Bells," he looked tired and worn out, but there was something else on his face as he looked me over.

"Hey Dad." I tried to smile but as I shifted my head the room started to spin.

"Bella?" I could hear Charlie calling me but the room wouldn't stop spinning.

"Get her back to her room." A voice sounded from somewhere else close to me.

"What's wrong with her? She wasn't like that before she came here!" Charlie's voice was panicked and I wanted to reassure him but I couldn't

"Mr. Swan, please, let us take care of Isabella. You can come back either tomorrow or next Saturday but she's not doing well today and needs to go back to her room." A male voice was right above me, it was rough and strange.

Warm arms were carrying me now but I didn't want to go, I wanted to see Charlie.

"No!" I screamed as I began thrashing my arms and legs around, trying to get free of whoever was holding me.

I fell to the floor with a thud as he lost his grasp on me but before I could get further away I was grabbed, my arms held behind my back as I felt the pinch in my upper arm, I felt myself stop fighting, the space around me darkening quickly.


	5. Unexpected Visitor

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

_*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, possible smut later on.**_

_**I fell to the floor with a thud as he lost his grasp on me but before I could get further away I was grabbed, my arms held behind my back as I felt the pinch in my upper arm, I felt myself stop fighting, the space around me darkening quickly. **_

I was starting to wake up and could feel the fog around my mind lifting but my head was pounding in my skull as I tried to remember where I was, what had happened. I attempted to open my eyes, to understand where I was but as I felt my lids lift I was instantly overwhelmed by the bright lights and slammed them back down again.

I kept my eyes closed for a few more minutes as snippets of my stay at the hospital began to replay in my head and I remembered what had happened when Charlie came to visit me. Again I tried to open my eyes, this time blinking several times and allowing my eyes to adjust before I scanned the room.

My room. I was back in my room but it was slightly different. I was higher up, my bed had been replaced by a standard hospital bed and the sides were up, my wrists in restraints attached to the sides. I laid in the bed patiently for what felt like hours, staring at the small dirt stain on the floor while I waited for someone to come in.

"Good morning Isabella." my head snapped up as the door opened and I was surprised to see Dr. Kline entering the room. I had assumed that it would be a nurse or an aide that I would see first.

"What happened?" I asked, my head still feeling slightly woozy.

"When your father came to visit with you yesterday you had a bit of a fit, you had to be restrained but when we sedated you, you slept the remainder of the day and all night. How are you feeling now?" I don't know why but as he approached the bed, something made me cringe back away from him.

"I feel a little fuzzy, my memories are broken and scattered but I feel better than I did yesterday." I answered him honestly.

"Alright, Isabella. We've adjusted your medications so hopefully today will be much better for you, I'll have someone come in and release your restraints in a little while." he smiled at me but something still felt off.

"Is my dad going to come back?" I asked him and felt the first tears begin to form in my eyes, feeling horrible for what he had witnessed the previous day.

"I believe he said he will be back later on today. But right now you actually have another visitor waiting to see you. I told her I would ask if you felt up to seeing anybody today." he answered and I wondered who else would be visiting, the only person who I could think of who would visit me here was Renee but somehow I didn't think that she would interrupt her life to come see her crazy daughter.

"Who's here?" I couldn't contain the curiosity any longer and finally blurted it out.

"A girl, says she went to school with you... Alice." he said and I saw something in his eyes as he began to head back out towards the door.

"I've scheduled another session with you for after lunch Isabella." I barely heard him say as he turned to look at me and then he was gone.

I didn't care what he had said, my head was still spinning with the fact that Alice was here. Why was she here, this wasn't real, Alice didn't care, she's wasn't really here. It was all a hallucination or a dream... that's it. That has to be it.

"Good morning Isabella." An older nurse sang as she came into the room a few minutes later as I continued to argue internally with myself.

"Do I have a visitor?" I asked her cautiously, wondering if the entire visit with Dr. Kline hadn't been imagined.

"Yes, a young girl is here to see you. Do you want to clean up before you see her?" the nurse asked and I nodded my head before standing and making my way quickly to the bathroom across the hallway. I quickly splashed water on my face and changed into the clean pajamas that I had brought with me, pulling my hair into a messy ponytail before exiting the washroom and returning to my room where the nurse was still waiting.

"Are you ready dear?" she asked and I nodded my head quickly, not really sure if I was.

Clutching my arms tightly across my chest and trying to hold myself together I followed the nurse out of my room and down the hall towards the visitor rooms and I tried to remain calm, counting my breaths as I mentally prepared myself for the disappointment I would face when I found that it wasn't Alice after all.

The nurse opened the door and I walked in to the room behind her, my head hung down, not wanting to face the rejection that I was sure would come. I made my way to the first chair and sat down, still not looking at anything in the room as the nurse moved away from me to give me and my mystery visitor some privacy.

"Bella?" her voice was like wind chimes and I knew instantly that this wasn't a hallucination. My hallucinations weren't this good, this real.

Ever so slowly I looked up and into her golden orbs, my chest aching instantly at the face sat in front of me, the room thick with the tension.

"What the Hell are you doing here Alice?" I had expected to be disappointed, to feel all of the hurt that their leaving had caused, to feel indifferent, or even happy. But I hadn't expected this completely angry feeling that was taking over my body and radiating out of every pore.

"Bella... I'm..."

"Don't you dare say sorry Alice." I spat at her and felt a fire in my chest as the anger continued to build.

"Please Bella, you have to know I didn't want to leave, that I'm sorry." she begged and I watched the venom pool up in her eyes, tears that would never fall.

"You're sorry?" I was trying not to yell, I didn't want to create another scene after what had happened yesterday but the anger that I was feeling needed to be let out.

"You're sorry?" I repeated and felt the words form as the flowed out of my mouth. "And what exactly are you sorry for Alice? Are you sorry for having to pretend to be my friend? For calling me your sister? For not saying good-bye? For letting me in to your life at all? What exactly Alice, are you sorry for? And why in the Hell are you here after nine months of absolutely nothing." I demanded and was proud of myself, not a single tear had been shed, the fury was still bubbling within me but I was more under control as I watched the normally bubbly pixie fidget with her hands as the venom stayed pooled up in her eyes.

"Bella... I..." she opened and closed her mouth several times, no more words coming out.

"Fine, you're sorry. Now get out." I ordered her and went to stand up before she called out to me again.

"Bella, please." Her voice sounded so broken in that instant that I sat back down, glancing at the nurse who was supposed to be supervising us, her nose was buried in a novel and I was thankful for the small bit of privacy.

"What Alice. You have two minutes before I leave." I didn't recognize my own voice, the coldness that tainted it.

"I left them. I couldn't take it any more. I couldn't take seeing you here like this and I left them. Bella, Edward forced us all to leave after your party. I fought against him the entire time, this whole time I've been begging them to come back here but he wouldn't have it. I wouldn't have left at all but Jasper... I couldn't stay behind once Jasper left. Bella, we're mates Jasper and I. I know how you feel, why you cross your arms across your chest like that, I know the ache that you feel being apart from Edward." For the first time I noticed that her arms mimicked mine in the way that they were held tightly across her own chest.

"When I tried to stay behind after Jasper and Edward and the family left I couldn't take it and ended up following them, it hurt too badly. But I couldn't do it anymore. After I had the vision of you taking your life and I called Charlie I knew that I had to do something. I made the decision to leave and they tried to make me stay, but I left to come back for you. You are my sister Bella and I miss you... I had to come back for you." Alice's explanation came out in a rush as she whispered quietly enough that it would stay between us.

"You left Jasper?" I asked not sure if I was hearing her right.

"Yes Bella. I left Jasper. He felt so guilty after your birthday, he said he wouldn't be a part of destroying your human life and it was best to leave you alone and let you live it. I tried to explain to him, to them all that us leaving was destroying you, but they wouldn't listen." she was still whispering and as much as I was still furious I also wanted to wrap my arms around her in a tight hug. "Bella I'm so sorry it took me so long. I miss Jasper, but this was something too important, I had to come back." she was rambling now and I put my hand up to silence her.

"Alice I'm not normal... look at me. I'm insane. I'm here for a reason, I need to be here, I know that. I'm not good enough for you, for your family, for Edward. That's the reason you all left and I understand and I'm trying to get help to deal with it. You don't need to feel guilty for leaving me behind. Go back to Jasper, to your family. Forget about me." I muttered and although I didn't intend it to it came out bitterly.

"Bella. I'm not going back to Jasper. They're wrong. They're all wrong. You are a part of our family, you are the missing piece. You won't get better if you stay here Bella, please Bella, you and Edward are mated and mates can not be apart from each other for long periods. If you stay apart, it will kill you both."


	6. Losing It

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

_*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, possible smut later on.**_

"_**Bella. I'm not going back to Jasper. They're wrong. They're all wrong. You are a part of our family, you are the missing piece. You won't get better if you stay here Bella, please Bella, you and Edward are mated and mates can not be apart from each other for long periods. If you stay apart, it will kill you both." **_

I put my head in my hands and tried to process everything that Alice had just told me. It was so much information... too much information... and it didn't make sense. Alice left Jasper to find me? If Edward and I are apart we'll die? Alice is here visiting me?

"Bella if you just come and see Edward..."

"No!" I roared loudly, effectively silencing her before she could finish whatever screwed up thought was about to come out of her mouth. I looked over, the nurse had put her book down and was watching me closely. I took seven deep and calming breaths before I continued.

"No Alice. I will not just come and see Edward. I don't care about the crap that you came in here and started spewing about mates and dying and you and the family and me. It doesn't make sense and I'm done with you and your family. I don't want any part of it. You all left me alone... no good-bye, no phone calls, no emails, nothing... and when you left it destroyed me. I spent three months in a catatonic state, not talking or eating or functioning; and the next six months trying to pull my life back together. And you know what Alice... you're wrong. You don't have any idea what I'm feeling, what the piercing wounds in my chest feel like because you aren't human as you all liked to point out to me. You're all made of stone and don't have souls right? So how can you know what it feels like to have your soul ripped into two? I'm not leaving Alice and I suggest that you go back to your mate before you die." I said the last part with unintentional mockery in my voice as I wound down from my rant. I was angry and hurting and confused but I knew that there was no way I would let any Cullen back into my life just to have them trample me again.

Alice didn't reply to me and sat staring at me for several minutes before I finally made the first move and stood up to leave, not looking back as I walked out of the room and back to my new room, my new life.

I had only been back in my room for a few minutes when an aide knocked on my door to inform me that my father was back to visit again and I was again walking the corridor to the visitation room, this time to see the one person in my life who actually cared.

My visit with Charlie went much better than the previous day and pretty much how things always were between us. He apologized, I apologized, there were a bunch of awkward silences, he brought me more pajamas and more books and then he told me he missed me and couldn't wait for me to come back home. For the first time ever with Charlie I didn't feel embarrassed at his emotional outburst, it didn't feel awkward for him to tell me he missed me, and I felt motivated to get better, to go back home.

I spent the rest of the day reading by myself in my room, coming out only for meals and my medication at night. When I laid down in my bed later that night I couldn't help but wonder what had happened to my session with Dr. Kline that he had promised, why hadn't I gotten to meet with him to discuss the things that I so badly need to get off my chest.

"Stupid, freaking, all-seeing, fucked up, pixie-vampire." I muttered to myself once it had gotten dark and the noises of the hospital had settled down. I was still laying on my back in my room and I was trying to sleep. After taking my night time medication the room had quickly become fuzzy and disoriented, a sign I had been hoping meant that sleep would come easily. But it didn't. Instead I lay awake remembering my first visit of the day. The way that Alice had waltzed in and demanded I return to my "mate" because if I didn't I would die.

"What the Hell does she know?" I muttered again and laughed slightly at how insane I knew I must sound muttering to myself right now. At least I was in the right place.

"I don't understand!" I growl slightly in frustration.

"If she's seen me this entire time, why have their been no phone calls? No letters, no emails, nothing? Why now? Why when I was finally getting help did she have to but her fucking all-seeing self into the middle?" I could hear my ranting getting louder and I honestly didn't care any more. I didn't care how insane they thought I was, I didn't care how much Alice thought I needed her family or they needed me or whatever, I just didn't care.

"And I don't want you seeing me any more... in person or in visions." As I yelled loudly at the nothingness of my room I envisioned my brain, maybe it was the same part of my brain that used to keep Edward from reading my thoughts, I don't know, but whatever it was I imagined pulling it across my entire body, shielding my entire body from the tiny little Psychic.

"There. Take that Alice." I found myself giggling again and as I re-thought it over and over, the giggling only got worse until I finally just stopped.

* * *

**A/N: Has Bella finally lost it? I know this chapter was short but I wanted to get it up because the next chapter gets a little busier with more going on.  
**


	7. Black Out

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

_*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, rape, possible smut later on.**_

"_**There. Take that Alice." I found myself giggling again and as I re-thought it over and over, the giggling only got worse until I finally just stopped. **_

"And how did that make you feel Isabella?" I looked around the room as confusion settled in. I was in a small office similar to Dr. Kline's, however there was someone other than Dr. Kline in the room with me. I looked out the small window and was shocked to see the bright sunlight shining down on the lawns of the outdoor recreation area.

"Isabella?" the woman prompted and I turned my attention back to her.

"I'm sorry, I'm a little bit confused. What am I doing in here?" I asked her quietly, tears forming in my eyes at the frustration of not being able to remember.

"Isabella, did you black out again?" the mysterious woman asked me as she clicked a pen open and began scribbling down some notes, I couldn't speak without the risk of crying so I simply nodded my head when she looked up at me.

"What's the last thing that you remember?" she asked and I wracked my brain, trying to find the answer. The familiarity of this scene was frightening as I briefly thought about my catatonic state right after _he _left. He... Edward... The rest of the Cullens... Alice.

"I remember Alice visiting. I told her to leave me alone." I explained and saw the woman in front of my frown.

"Think about it for a few more minutes Isabella. Do you remember anything else between then and now?" I processed her question and sat back in my chair, my arms still clutched across my chest, the pain throbbing.

"No. I don't remember anything else... it's like I was asleep and I just woke up in this room with you and speaking of you, I have no idea who you are. I don't know you, I don't know this room, I don't even know what day it is!" I flew out of my chair and began pacing the room as I continued to try and remember what had happened after I told Alice to leave me alone.

"It's alright Isabella, take a deep breath. I'm Dr. Lang, it's Monday June 28th," Two weeks. I'd been out of it for two weeks. "After this girl Alice left you were in a type of trance, a state resembling one of a catatonic. You would eat, and answer yes or no questions, you would keep yourself clean and use the washroom but that's all. Do you remember any of this?" she asked again and I shook my head.

"Alright, who is Alice?" I stared at her as I thought about the answer, wondering if she really didn't know or if she was trying to get me to talk.

_What do I say to that? That Alice is my vampire ex-best friend. She abandoned me several months ago because she's the sister of my vampire ex-boyfriend. He decided to leave me because Alice's husband thought I'd be a tasty snack and took a snap at me. _

"She was my best friend and my ex-boyfriend's sister. Their whole family left town suddenly and without saying good-bye." I tried to keep it as close to the truth as possible.

I only focused half of my attention on the rest of the questions that Dr. Lang asked me, the other half of my brain focused on the bits of the last conversation with Alice that I remembered.

_She left Jasper... mates die when separated... Edward still loved me... _

Nothing that she said made sense... why would she leave Jasper to come back to me? Why would she risk separation from her family to try and get me to return? Was it true about mates not being able to live apart, was it truth when she said that Edward still loves me?

"Alright Isabella, that's all for today. Jackie is here to escort you back to your room. If you remain responsive and continue to move along like today I'll see about getting you placed back in the open ward." I turned my attention back to the doctor and smiled politely at her as I heard the knock on the door just before a small woman in bright pink scrubs walked in.

I walked through the corridors following Jackie, only slightly surprised with the fact that I had been moved to a more secure unit during my episode.

"Would you like to return to your room Isabella or would you like to go to the games room for a little while?" her voice was high pitched and paired with her fluorescent scrubs gave me a slight headache.

"I'd like to go back to my room please." I spoke quietly and we turned down another corridor with doors that were closed and locked. When we got to my room I walked in and noted the similarity to the room in the other ward with the exception of my personal items and the steel toilet that was in the corner of this room.

"Am I allowed books?" I turned around and the woman was already gone, my door clicking locked as it closed behind her.

Shrugging and making the decision to ask as soon as someone else came into the room I turned to the bed and laid down on my back, wincing in pain as I did so. Sitting up I lifted my shirt slightly, looking over my shoulder at my back and feeling around with my fingers.

Bed sores. My hips, lower back and shoulder blades had bed sores, deep red sores on my joints that looked fresh. Something wasn't right. Even catatonic I shouldn't have bed sores, especially after only two weeks... unless I wasn't moving at all during that time.

I wanted to lay down so I shifted and laid gently down on my side, staring into the room and trying not to put any pressure on my sore spots. Gradually my mind shifted course and drifted away from the sores and back to my visit with Alice.

I thought about her words over and over and as if the puzzle pieces finally clicked I was flooded with a series of memories.

_After Alice left and I pretended to shield myself... the insane giggling fit... the decision to leave my mind behind._

Then it was just flashes.

_An orderly of some sort in dark gray scrubs, a look on his face that sent chills down my spine. _

_Being cornered in Dr. Kline's office, his face looming over mine as I closed my eyes. _

_The same orderly in gray, in my room, a needle being injected into my arm. _

"What the hell?" I scrunched my face in concentration, trying to piece this information together. What was going on here?

I spent the remainder of the day in my small room that was beginning to feel more and more like a prison. Feeling uncomfortable with my latest memories I decided check my body over and began to feel nauseous at the number of bruises and other small marks that now littered my body. I continued to try and force my memory open as I shifted positions frequently, from my sides to sitting up, to pacing the room. Nobody came in until a meal tray was brought in and set down on the bedside table by a hospital staff, my door closing and locking again behind him.

I didn't sleep that night as flashes of memories from the last two weeks would hit me suddenly. So far it was mostly the orderly in gray or Dr. Kline... sometimes both of them together.

The sun was beginning to rise when memory in particular had me shivering and I actually threw up at the memory, the tears over it not stopping as I realized what was happening.

_I was in an office that was not the one I had met either Dr. Kline or Dr. Lang in, the orderly named Jonathan was standing being me, my hands held behind the chair that I was sitting in as Dr. Kline's hands held a small needle. I was injected with whatever substance he had been drugging me with and I felt myself begin to fade out, losing control of my body, my mind going numb but still there, still watching as though a third party to the event. _

_Dr. Kline waited for several minutes as the drug began to work, Jonathan not releasing his grip on me until Dr. Kline decided that it was time. Jonathan shifted around, picking me up off the chair and carrying me over to the small leather couch in the corner and laying me down on my back._

_I watching in horror as my hospital gown was lifted up to just under my chin and Dr. Kline removed his pants and straddled me, thrusting into me as his hands grabbed me breasts roughly. There was no pain in my body and I tried to close my eyes, to look away but I couldn't move. Once Dr. Kline finished with me the orderly took his place before yanking me roughly up and carrying me back to my room where I was thrown on my bed, Jonathan approaching with a second needle that he quickly injected me with before leaving the room, locking the door behind him. _

"Please Alice. Please. I know I pushed you away before but I need help... you were right... I need to get out of this place." I choked out the words and regret filled my heart at the way that I had treated her when she had come to help me.

Remembering the night of her visit I concentrated on my mind, remembering the feel of the thin and stretchy film that I had thought might shield me from her psychic visions. Finally finding it I experimented, pulling it up and back into my mind, lifting it so that it no longer covered any of my body, pushing it into a small corner of my brain to retrieve for future use.

As if shielding or de-shielding myself took all of my energy I was suddenly exhausted and sat down on the floor of my room, huddled into myself and backed up into a corner where I rested my head against the wall and allowed my eyes to close.

"Isabella." the voice wasn't loud but my eyes popped open as I heard it. I knew it. I glanced around the room and saw him coming through the door. My eyes darted around the room, trying to find a way to get away from him as the bile began to rise in my throat.

"Leave me alone." I tried to demand but my voice was hoarse and dry.

"Dr. Kline has an appointment with you Isabella." he continued to approach me and I saw the small needle in his hand and began to shake, the bile still sitting there and ready to be expelled at any moment.

"No." I said a little louder than before but as I expected it did me no good.

"Alice!" I screamed as loud as I could as he reached me and grabbed my arm roughly.

"Alice... Help Me!" I screamed again as he quickly stabbed me with the needle and I began to thrash around, trying to escape his grip before the drugs would begin to numb me. My efforts were futile and after a few minutes the thrashing stopped and he picked me up, carrying me down the hall and towards an elevator.

Dr. Kline's office.

Another injection.

Eyes Closing.

_Alice... Please!_

The couch.

Gown going up.

Jonathan first.

Dr. Kline second.

Gone... they're both gone.

Stone arms.


	8. Escape

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

_*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, rape, possible smut later on.**_

_**Dr. Kline's office. **_

_**Another injection. **_

_**Eyes Closing. **_

_**Alice... Please!**_

_**The couch. **_

_**Gown going up.**_

_**Jonathan first. **_

_**Dr. Kline second. **_

_**Gone... they're both gone. **_

_**Stone arms. **_

"Please Carlisle, please meet us at the house in British Columbia... the one in Cherryville." I couldn't tell if I was dreaming or not but Alice's normally bubbly voice sounded strained and upset. My eyes were closed but I could feel the seatbelt across my chest, my head resting against a cold window and I could feel the vehicle that I was in moving, probably at insane speeds.

"I know Carlisle... but I had to get her out of there. She is drugged so much, I don't know what it is but I can smell it." Alice paused in her conversation. "When I got there she was being raped by her doctor! Who knows what else happened to her in that place!" she exclaimed and then I heard her take a deep breath.

"Thank you Carlisle." I heard the low beep as the phone was turned off.

"Alice?" I tried to ask but it came out slurred, my mouth not co-operating with what I wanted.

"It's okay Bella... you're out of that place. We're heading North to one of our houses... Carlisle's going to come down from Alaska to help you." her voice was back to her usual calm, all hints of hysteria gone.

I tried to speak again but this time all that came out was a strange gurgling sound and I knew that it was useless to keep trying until whatever drugs that they had given me had worn off.

Instead I concentrated on trying to work out my feelings on what had happened to get me here... to put me in this position.

Was I mad at Alice for taking me out of the hospital... a place where until very recently I was convinced that I needed to be? Was I mad that she was taking me to one of their houses and Carlisle was very reluctantly coming to "help" me? What about Charlie... I wouldn't abandon him... how long would it be before I could contact him? What happened at the hospital... and what would they tell Charlie?

I must have fallen asleep somewhere during my internal ramblings because the next time that I began to regain awareness I noted that I was no longer sitting in a car but laying down on a soft surface. I blinked my eyes open, allowing them time to adjust to the room around me before stiffly turning my head and examining my surroundings.

I was in a large bedroom. The walls were decorated in an ugly orange flowered wallpaper, the carpet a deep brown shag, the furniture all a natural pine. I couldn't control the small giggle that escaped my lips when I realized that they must not have lived or even visited this house since the 70's.

"I know... it's awful isn't it!" Alice exclaimed as she breezed into the room and over to the side of the bed I was still laying on.

"I'm sorry Alice." the words were out of my mouth before I had the chance to think about them.

Her face got serious but she didn't answer for a while.

"No Bella. I'm sorry. You never would had to go through any of that my family hadn't abandoned you." she apologized and I could read the remorse written all over her face. I pushed my body stiffly up into a sitting position and reached over to her, wrapping my arms around her stone body.

"How are you feeling Bella?" she asked as she pulled back a minute later.

I feel really stiff and sore... my mind feels a little bit fuzzy." I answered her and tried to sort out my emotions as well as the physical.

"I'm sorry that I didn't come sooner Bella... get you out of there before... well before they could hurt you." she looked down at her hands which were pulling pulling at some sort of invisible fluff on her pants.

"I couldn't see you Bella... after I came to visit you I couldn't see your future any more... it was like you were a dark spot. I knew you were alive but I couldn't figure out why I couldn't see you at all. And then you appeared so suddenly and I tried to get there before they could hurt you but..." I cut her off then as I found my protective film and pulled it over my body.

"Alice try and see my future now." I said simply and watched as she scrunched her nose in concentration.

"I can't see you Bella. You've disappeared again." she said and she looked at me questioningly.

"And now?" I asked as I pulled it back again, putting it back into storage.

"How did you do that?" for once I had managed to shock Alice and a small smile played on my lips.

"I don't know. That day that you visited me I was so angry at you and everybody. I don't know how I found it but it's like a filmy shield that I have in my brain and I can pull it over my mind like I think I had been doing when I was with Edward or I can pull it over my entire body which I think is why you couldn't see me. It's like it's a living part of me that I can pull out when I need it and that day I decided that I didn't want you seeing me and pulled it over. Then I blacked out for two weeks. When I came out of it, it took forever to remember what happened and I still only remember parts of it but I knew what would happen when I saw him again and that's when I lifted the film and called for you. I didn't know if it would work or if you would even want to help me but it was the only way that I could think of to get out of there." I explained and saw her eyes widen at my descriptions.

"You're a shield!" I heard the masculine voice and both Alice and I jumped at the sound, Alice apparently too entranced in what I was saying to pay attention to her surroundings.

"Carlisle." I managed to keep my voice calm and stared at him as he came into the room. I watched as his lips moved far to fast and too low for me to catch and felt the anger boil.

"If you are going to be in the room with me, can you at least speak so that I can hear you." I stated icily, my friendly demeanor gone completely.

"Sorry Bella." Alice looked back at me ashamed.

"Can you tell me what happened Bella?" he asked after several long, awkward moments. I debated telling him to go to Hell for a few minutes but then thought better of it.

"I've been in the Seattle Psychiatric Hospital and when I first got there it was for small things... depression, pain that I was told was psychological, the occasional hallucination."

"What kind of hallucinations?" Carlisle interrupted and I fought the urge to snap at him.

"Mostly I saw Edward... I would argue with him... he was always trying to protect me from some danger. I figured those ones were my subconscious trying to convince myself that he still cared. The other things I saw I haven't seen lately but I would see Victoria in my room, she would stalk me in the shadows but when I would approach her she would disappear. I never could figure out a purpose to those hallucinations." I explained and Alice looked worriedly at Carlisle.

"Anyways, as I was saying. As soon as I started a new medication at the hospital the hallucinations got worse, I had violent reactions, my mind started to get fuzzy and I was week. It had only been three days that I'd been there when Alice came to visit and after her visit I blacked out for two weeks. When I woke up I started to remember bits and pieces and then when I figured it out... the orderly named Jonathan and my doctor – Dr. Kline – were abusing me, it was too late. They were coming back and they injected me with something so that I couldn't fight them. That's when Alice showed up and got me the Hell out of there."

"What about the time before the hospital? Alice said you weren't well then either?" he asked and I sighed loudly.

"Edward left me in the woods outside of my house the day that you all left. Being ridiculous as I am, I tried to follow him through the forest but of course I couldn't. By the time I gave up looking I didn't care anymore and just kind of collapsed to forest floor. I was found and taken back to Charlie but by then I was a shell of myself. They called me catatonic although I did take care of my basic needs but I don't remember much of that time. When Edward told me that he didn't want me and then left, I felt my soul rip into two and I've had to live with that pain ever since. At first it was easier to just disappear into myself. About three months later I snapped out of it, I started to seek help, I talked to Charlie... but things never got any better. The pain was still there, I never slept and then one night I over-dosed on sleeping pills. That of course landed me in the Forks hospital and I requested a more permanent stay in Seattle, hoping that they could help because nothing else had worked yet."

The room fell silent and I didn't want to look at them, didn't want to know what either of them were thinking.

"Look. I know that you don't want to be here Carlisle so I can assure you that I'm fine and you don't need to stay. You can go back home to your family." I was the first one to break the silence and still I didn't want to look at them, to see the disgust on their faces.

"We were wrong Bella." it wasn't what I was expecting to hear and my head snapped up to look at his face.

"I know that you probably don't want to hear my apology but I must say that I am sorry for the way that we treated you Bella." his apology was simple and I wondered what had changed his mind, I didn't have to wait long before Carlisle continued.

"When you came into our lives Bella you were instantly a part of our family. Something that has never before happened between one of our kind and a human. We all considered you our friend, our daughter, our sister, and then we left you with no explanation. After your party, the incident with Jasper, Edward was decided that this was the best thing to keep you safe. We argued with him for days before we finally gave in and agreed to leave without you. At the time his reasons seemed to make sense to us. We all envied your humanity and none of us wanted to see you hurt, either by one of us by accident, or another incident like James. Our world is dangerous and you seemed to have enough trouble without the supernatural influence, we just wanted to keep you safe." his explanation only left more questions and I shifted again so that I was laying down in the bed while I figured it out.

"I still don't understand. Edward didn't want me anymore. He told me that I wasn't good enough for him." My mind was swimming and I felt slightly dizzy.

"He lied to you Bella. I told you before that he still loves you. His chest aches the same way that yours does. He doesn't do anything, being apart has taken his motivation to live out of him and he's so stubborn that he won't listen when I tell him that you feel the same way." Alice explained and I looked between the two vampires in the room with me. Alice was still hugging her own chest in the same way that I held tightly to my own and somehow she looked weaker.

"Alice is correct. Edward has to be forced to hunt, he's in excruciating pain as you are. When he made the decision to leave you, he knew that you wouldn't accept his reasoning and although I didn't know exactly what he said I did know that he was ashamed of what he had to say. He knew that the only way that you would let him go was if you believed he didn't love you. I understand now how wrong that was and I'm sorry for not standing up for you." Carlisle apologized and I tried to process everything he was telling me.

"So what's next?" I asked quietly, not sure what either of them expected from me.

"I'd like to examine you if you'll let me Bella. I can't quite determine what drugs are in your system because there were too many. I'd like to run some blood tests and do a basic physical to ensure that you are not physically further injured than you can detect." Carlisle spoke, his voice changing over to his doctor-mode.

"After you've had a chance to rest, would you consider coming back with us?" Instantly I shook my head no.

"Not right now. You're right and I'm tired. I need to rest. But after that I need to go back to Charlie, I need to explain what happened at the hospital. After I talk to him I'll come with you, but I will not just abandon Charlie with no sign of what happened or where I went." I answered and again saw Alice and Carlisle exchange a look.

"What are you going to tell him about how you got out and where you are going?" Alice asked me and I realized that I had shifted my shield back over myself protectively.

"Charlie understands. He knows that you are different... he asked me about it one day but didn't want to know any details. He doesn't know what you are and he doesn't want to know. So to answer your questions I'll tell him that Alice helped me get out and that I need to go and deal with Edward." I explained, unsure whether or not they would see this as a betrayal of their secrets.

"Alright Bella, if you need to see Charlie we'll take you back to him, but we'd like to stay and explain our side of things." Alice spoke this time and I nodded my head in agreement.

We didn't speak much more that night, Carlisle did a very basic physical exam and took some blood to examine me.

Alice came in when Carlisle was finished and I smiled at her, indicating the chair beside the bed.

"You can go back to Jasper Alice, there's no reason for you to be in pain like that." I told her and gestured to her position on the chair.

"I'm not leaving without you Bella." she said simply and I felt my eyes begin to close.

"Thanks for coming back for me Alice." I murmured as I felt the heaviness take over.


	9. Goodbye Charlie

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, rape, possible smut later on.**

***A/N: This is a shorter chapter but I wanted it to be on it's own as I found it emotionally charged.**

"_**I'm not leaving without you Bella." she said simply and I felt my eyes begin to close. **_

"_**Thanks for coming back for me Alice." I murmured as I felt the heaviness take over. **_

"Are you sure that you want to do this Bella... that you're ready?" Alice asked me and I took another deep breath, steadying my nerves as I nodded my head in reply.

"I need to see Charlie one more time." I stated firmly and the two vampires nodded in resignation, waiting for me to take the lead. It was early in the morning and we were sitting in Carlisle's Mercedes on Charlie's driveway, he was apparently up and in the kitchen making his morning coffee.

"Let's go." I said and got out of the car quickly, leading the two vampires up to the front door where I raised my hand and knocked before trying the knob, excited when it opened and I stepped into the small foyer as Charlie came down the hall.

"Bella?" the travel mug dropped out of his hand, spilling brown liquid all over the floor and his shoes as he stood frozen in place, looking as though he had seen a ghost. I noticed instantly that something was off. Charlie wasn't wearing his usual uniform, instead he had on dark suit and tie, something that was probably in style eighteen years ago when he first married Renee.

"Dad?" I prompted, risking a step closer as he recovered and seemed to be looking at Carlisle behind me for an explanation.

"Are you alright Dad?" I asked as I reached him and grabbed his hand, leading him into the living room and sitting him down in his recliner.

"Are you... what are you?" He asked and again looked over at Carlisle behind me.

"I'm me Dad... I'm human. I needed to come back and explain what happened at the hospital. Why I left." I looked at my hands and braced myself for what I was about to tell my father.

"Why you left? But... but the hospital called last week... said you... said you were dead." my eyes snapped back up to his as I took in this information, feeling the air rush out of my chest and now Alice was leading me to the small couch to sit down.

"Chief Swan, Charlie... what did they tell you when they called?" Carlisle asked after I'd had a minute to recover from my own shock.

"They called... said Bella... said she got a hold of a knife... slit her wrists... mangled her body." Charlie's eyes searched my body frantically and I instinctively held out my wrists to show both him and myself that the accusation was false.

"Dad... I escaped after being drugged the entire time I was there. Alice had to come in and get me because I couldn't move or fight them off, they were using drugs to paralyze me and keep me from saying or doing anything. When Alice came for me Dad, they were in the middle of raping me." I decided it was best to just spit it out but I almost choked as I said the last sentence, nausea forming at the mention of what had happened.

"Dr. Cullen?" Charlie turned his attention to the only medical professional in the room and Alice rubbed my shoulder comfortingly.

"It's true Charlie. Alice left the family to come back for Bella. She felt awful for the way that we had left her last September and wanted to attempt to make amends. When she found Bella and helped her to escape it is as Bella said. I have examined her and can confirm that she was raped repeatedly by both her primary physician there and one of the orderlies. I also discovered an astounding number of drugs in her system. Everything from psychotropic street drugs to various anti-depressants, many of which are not approved drugs. We kept her with us while she detoxed and cleansed her system, making sure that she was physically fine before we brought her back here to you." Carlisle explained and I tried to block the unpleasant memories, failing as my tears spilled down my cheeks.

"Bells? Are you okay?" Charlie was slumped down in his chair from the weight of everything that Dr. Cullen had just revealed.

"Yeah Dad, I'm fine now that I'm out of that place." I answered and tried to smile at him.

"I've got to call..." I knew this was where Charlie's first thoughts would go after my assurance that I was fine and interrupted him before he could say anything else.

"Dad. I need you to leave me out of it." I said simply, knowing that he wouldn't let it go and that he would have to do something about the so-called hospital.

"But... Bells... what they did..."

"I know Dad and I know that you need to do something about it but I need you to leave me out of it. I'm going with Dr. Cullen and Alice to see Edward after this and I need to be off the radar for that to happen." I tried to explain and he seemed to understand although he didn't seem too happy about me going back to see Edward.

"They said you're dead Bella? What do I do about that?" I was relieved that he seemed to be trusting my opinion and had chosen not to comment on what I said about Edward.

"That might actually work in my favor right now. I need to disappear and this is probably the best way to do it and I need you to help me with this... if things go the way I'm hoping I don't know if I'll be able to come back at all." I had been dreading telling him this and I watched as my father cried the first tear I ever saw from him.

"Why now Bells?" he asked and I could hear the hoarseness of his voice.

"Because I'm not normal Dad. You know what I told you about Edward and I being a pair, like fate? It is going to physically kill us if we stay apart for too much longer and I want to be with him forever Dad. I know that you have seen his differences and that you don't want to know, but you need to know Dad that if Edward and I are together then I won't be back." I was trying to keep up the strength that had been building inside me and gulped for air as I let out the words.

"I'm sorry I wasn't a better father Bella." Charlie stood from his recliner on shaky legs and came over to me, pulling me into his arms tightly and embracing me without awkwardness for the first and last time.

"You were great Charlie... thank you." I hugged him back until he let go and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, making his way back to the recliner. I stood up myself and Alice wrapped her arm around my waist, supporting my weight.

"Phone calls?" he squeaked as I made my way towards the door.

"I'll try Dad but I can't promise anything right now." I continued and tried not to look back but I couldn't resist taking one last glance at him hunched over in his chair.

"I love you Dad."

Carlisle was at the car already by the time Alice had walked me down the steps and he held the door open as she settled me into the seat and then got in the passenger side. My mind was emotionally exhausted from my goodbye to Charlie, my brain begging me to allow it to shut down.

I watched the house out of the car window, watched as Charlie's face pressed against the glass of the living room window and more tears fell from his eyes before we pulled away.

I hated myself for this, for doing this to him. I vowed then and there that if I failed with Edward, if I couldn't make him see, then I couldn't live any more, I simply wouldn't do it.


	10. Alaskan Arrival

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, rape, possible smut later on.**

***A/N: This is a shorter chapter but I wanted it to be on it's own as I found it emotionally charged.**

_**I hated myself for this, for doing this to him. I vowed then and there that if I failed with Edward, if I couldn't make him see, then I couldn't live any more, I simply wouldn't do it. **_

"What the Hell is going on Alice?" I opened my eyes briefly at the sound of her icy voice and cringed instinctively back into the stone arms that were holding me.

It had been a long drive North and although I had attempted to stay awake for the duration of the drive, it just didn't happen and I had finally lost the fight and crashed just after we had passed the Alaskan border.

"Rose. We'll explain everything to the entire family after Bella wakes up." Alice hissed quietly and I forced my eyes open again, blinking rapidly to adjust to the bright light in the room.

"I'm awake Alice." my throat was dry and scratchy but they both heard my words.

"Are you sure Bella? You can sleep longer if you'd like to." Alice asked and Rosalie was instantly gone from the room. I looked around and realized that I must be in Alice and Jasper's room, it was similar to their room in the Forks house, decorated in rich woods and deep blues. Jasper's guitar sat on a stand in the corner and I felt a pang of guilt that he and Alice had been separated for so long because of me.

"No. Just give me a minute to use the washroom and then let's get this over with." I said in a determined tone.

"Bathroom is through there." Alice gestured towards the door and I made my way in quickly, going about my business and then checking my appearance in the vanity mirror before exiting and following Alice silently out the door and down the stairs.

Before we made it to the dining room I checked for my shield and made sure that I could feel the film covering my entire body securely and tried to control the pounding in my chest. Looking up I followed Alice the remaining few steps and then stopped in the doorway as the entire Cullen family sat staring at me from their chairs in the dining room.

"Please have a seat Bella." Carlisle gestured towards the empty chair at the end of the long table and I avoided looking at anyone in particular as I gathered my thoughts.

"Why did you bring her here?" Rosalie demanded for the second time, her voice was colder than I remembered and I felt the tears instantly begin to well up in my eyes at this obvious rejection from her.

"Rosalie enough." Esme snapped loudly and I chanced a glance up at her face. She was sitting at Carlisle's right and her expression was one of sadness but when she looked back at me I saw a warmth come from them that gave me a small boost of hope.

"Bella, what are you doing here?" Edward asked and when I looked back at him his eyes were black, he was swallowing convulsively, and he looked to be holding himself in place. I realized that this must be hard on him, he would no longer be desensitized to my scent and it must be quite the challenge for him to be in the same small room as me.

"I came back because Alice and Carlisle asked me to, to explain what happened to me when you all left me back in Forks. That is my only intention and if after I explain you all wish for me to leave I will go and you will never see me again." I began quietly, my confidence completely gone now.

"Alice told us some things about your depression before she left." Jasper stated and I watched as he and Alice stared each other down from across the table, Alice looking the most unhappy that I had ever seen her.

"When Edward told me that you were all leaving and that I wasn't welcome to come as well I was hurt but it was more than that. I had accepted that Edward and I were mated well before that, and I didn't mind that this was my family, that there was a possibility of me being changed one day, that I was giving up my humanity." I paused and saw anger flash through Edward's eyes as he gripped the chair under him even tighter, the wood splintering under his fingers.

"But when Edward left I felt something that I wasn't prepared for. I felt my soul break apart into two pieces and chest began to ache. The pain has only gotten worse the longer that we've been apart and I've learned to live with it now. At first though I didn't understand it and it was so bad that the only way that I could deal with it was to shut down. I spent three months after you left barely alive. I ate when forced, used the washroom, but refused to speak, refused to do anything, I couldn't sleep." I heard Esme gasp and looked up at the look of pure sadness on her face.

"When I finally snapped out of it I tried everything that I could to make the pain go away. I saw Psychiatrists and therapists, I was medicated for depression, I talked to people and Charlie... but nothing ever helped. The pain was always there and it just kept getting worse. It was about a month ago that I was hospitalized due to an over-dose. I had actually contemplated suicide earlier in the evening but Alice called to warn Charlie and I decided that I couldn't do that to him. So I ended up taking sleeping pills to try and get some sort of sleep, but they weren't working so I took more and continued through the night. In the long run they estimate that I took approximately thirty-five pills of one type and somewhere between twenty and twenty five of another." I paused again when I felt the rush of air and saw that Edward was no longer in the room and I looked to Carlisle questioningly.

"He's just outside, it got to be a bit much for him in here. He can hear everything still though." Carlisle answered and I nodded my head in acknowledgement before continuing.

"I spoke willingly to the doctor in the hospital because I knew that there was something wrong with me for me to be feeling this way. I can't even describe the pain but it is unlike anything else I've ever experienced and it was making me weak. I still don't know how much longer I will be able to survive it. But they agreed with me and sent me to a hospital in Seattle to hopefully retrieve treatment." I gulped loudly, not wanting to tell them everything that had happened next.

"The first day in Seattle I met with the doctor who told me that he was going to change my medications that night and I was glad that he was going to start working with me right away. I was hopeful. But it didn't take long for me to realize that something was off... I thought at first that it was just a bad reaction to the one specific medication but now I know that it wasn't. They were deliberately drugging me with things to make me weak. My hallucinations got worse and I couldn't stand without getting sick and dizzy. I was admitted on the Thursday and by Saturday when Charlie came to see me I was getting violent and had to be sedated when I thought that I was being attacked. On Sunday Alice came to see me and it didn't go very well, I left angry and upset but I also don't think that I was entirely myself. That night I took my medications as directed and then everything after that becomes muddled." I decided to pause and look around the room. Jasper and Alice were having some sort of staring contest still, Alice's face filled with sadness and Jasper's full of questioning. Alice's arms were still mirroring mine in their position across her chest and Jasper looked as though he was fighting the same thing. Emmett sat between Jasper and Carlisle although his face was masked, his eyes were twinkling when they looked at me and I knew that of all of them, Emmett was the only one I couldn't be angry at. Rosalie sat across from him, her face was her hard iciness, but it didn't bother me. I hadn't expected anything else from her. Esme sat beside Carlisle at the other end of the table directly across from me, she looked sad and her arm was on the table extended towards me as she looked as though she wanted to comfort me.

"It took two weeks for me to snap out of whatever drug induced haze I had been in and a full day for me to recover any memories from that period of time. When I did remember I wished that I didn't because I saw everything that they had done to me. The injections, the touching, the raping. I remembered bits and pieces of it all. That day when they came for me I was ready and I called out for Alice to help me, hoping that she would see me and I thankfully she did, she got me out of that place and took me to one of your other homes which is when she called Carlisle." Edward was back in the room in an instant, his eyes were still black but his face looked pained as he stood against the wall, just beside the window.

"When I explained to them both how I had been feeling and what had happened they asked me to come back here and explain it to you all. Explain how much it hurt to be away from my mate for that long, explain how it nearly killed me." I finished my explanation and closed my eyes while I regained my composure and when I opened them not one of the vampires in the room had moved.

"How are you blocking your emotions from me?" Jasper broke the silence and I almost laughed at the absurdity of the question... my lack of emotion was what concerned him the most... figures.

"Carlisle explained to me that he thinks I am a shield." I replied and saw the others all turn their heads to look at him.

"When I was angry in the hospital after Alice visited that first day I decided that I didn't want her looking into my future anymore and it was as though I could feel a film covering my brain that I pulled around my entire body tightly. Alice stopped seeing my future then and couldn't see it again until two weeks later when I had to push it back to call out to her." I explained and they all whipped their heads back to me. The brief thought of vampires experiencing whiplash caused a small smile to play at the corners of my mouth.

"Bella." I looked over to Edward who was still standing by the window.

"Bella, you need to return to Charlie. It's not safe for you to be with us." as he spoke I felt the hole in my chest stretch wider and that was when I knew. I knew that nothing would change his mind, nothing mattered, because he didn't feel about me as I did for him. I could feel myself spinning into blackness as the resolution that I had made on my way hit my mind and I accepted it. I would allow the hole to take me, I had spent too long fighting it.

I was being placed on a soft surface and I could hear the voices around me asking what was wrong but I couldn't sort them out, I didn't care. But I wanted them to know why and so as I lay there on the couch, my mind slowly dying I let my shield snap up and pushed it into the corner of my brain, letting all of my thoughts, all of my emotions flow out of me.

"Jasper!" Carlisle's voice was not the calm one that I remembered but was filled with panic.

"It hurts." Jasper's response sounded as though he was clenching his teeth and trying to fight through the pain that I was projecting to him.

"Edward?" "Alice?" Rosalie and Esme called out at the same time.

"She's... she's decided to die... to let the separation finally kill her." Alice sounded as though she was sobbing and I wanted to care but I couldn't any longer.

"Bella no. You need to keep fighting it sweetie." Esme's voice was loving but getting so far away.

"Her heart is slowing down... she doesn't have long." Carlisle was still panicking as I felt the heaviness begin to close in around me.

"If we can't pull her out of this I'm going to change her." Carlisle's voice sounded so weak and fuzzy but I knew I didn't want that. If Edward didn't want me I didn't want to live not as a human or a vampire.

"Bella, please don't do this Bella." the smooth, velvety voice sounded closer than the others and I held the heaviness at bay for a moment, wondering why he cared.

"Keep talking Edward... tell her... tell her the truth." Alice was begging him from somewhere far away.

"Please. I love you Bella."


	11. Conversations

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, rape, possible smut later on.**

*** A/N: Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up, I was away for the weekend and I had a hard time with writing this one.**

"_**Keep talking Edward... tell her... tell her the truth." Alice was begging him from somewhere far away. **_

"_**Please. I love you Bella." **_

I felt the edge of the hole stop moving, stop swallowing me as my body and mind allowed an unwelcome swelling of hope flutter in.

_No. He's just saying that because he doesn't want me to die... his obsession with my mortality. No, I won't let him manipulate me like that. _I thought to myself and successfully the hole continued to swallow me. It was getting harder to breathe now and I knew that it wouldn't take much longer.

"No Bella that's not it at all." his voice was too tempting and I tried to block it out, to not listen.

"No, please Bella. I know that I was an asshole, but I've never stopped loving you. I didn't understand... I thought that because you were human you wouldn't feel the pull of being apart. I didn't know that you could feel this way and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Bella." he was begging me now and I tried to process his words as the edges of the hole actually began to release me slightly. My breathing was getting better, my heart-rate picking up.

_This doesn't make sense... I told him and he still told me to go... why would it be any different now? _My thoughts were jumbled and confused as I tried to figure this out.

"I know that you doubt him Bella, but he's being truthful. Please listen to him darlin'." I was surprised to hear Jasper's voice and the shock of it sent my mind spiraling, I was beginning to lose control of everything.

"Bella please, come back to us." Edward's voice was back and I felt the hole continuing to get smaller, no longer attempting to swallow me. So many questions were running through my mind, so many things that I couldn't understand.

"I'll answer all of your questions Bella, I promise." Edward's voice was calmer now, but still pleading. My mind was overwhelmed and all I wanted to do was sleep... to let my heart and brain process everything before I had to deal with it.

"It's alright Bella, go to sleep. We'll talk about whatever you want when you're ready. I promise." Edward whispered gently and I felt a blanket being placed over my body.

I laid still for a while trying to understand what had made Edward change his mind so suddenly. His angry eyes when he had first seen me, the blackness of his thirst, everything from my meeting with the family was replaying as I fell asleep.

My dreams that night didn't give me any reprieve from my swirling emotions as I was sent tumbling back through time, back to the day that Edward first left me in the woods in Forks and the crippling pain that accompanied it. As I spun out of the forest I was back at Charlie's house, blank and empty and then suddenly back to pained and angry. Then it was the night that had landed me in the hospital, my encounter with the knife before attempting to sleep, the memories of taking so many pills never more clear in my head. The dream was moving quickly, now I was in Seattle and I was being held down as Dr. Kline violated me, took what wasn't his. I was screaming now. Begging for Alice to help me, apologizing for not listening to her.

When I awoke the next morning, I didn't feel as rested as I had been hoping for and I groaned as I stretched and rolled over, forgetting that I was on the couch and landing with a soft thud on the ground.

"Damn it." I muttered as I rubbed the back of my head and began to untangle myself from the blanket.

"Are you alright Bella?" Carlisle's face appeared in the doorway and I laughed nervously before telling him that I was fine.

Carlisle left the room again and I noticed how eerily quiet the entire house was and wondered where everyone was. I knew that at least Carlisle was there but I didn't know about anyone else... maybe I had caused even more problems, more separation among this once-perfect family.

"We've never been perfect. And the rest of the family is around, we all spent most of the night talking about the things that you've told us and that have happened." I had just stood up and was folding the blanket when I looked up and saw Edward leaning in the doorway, his expression wary. I flushed at the fact that my shield was up and quickly pulled it back down, covering myself completely.

"You scared us all last night." Edward spoke carefully and looked as though he was trying to judge my reaction, to see if I was okay.

"Can we talk privately?" I didn't want to waste any time. I wanted answers to my questions and I didn't feel like having everyone else listening.

"Of course, do you want to go for a drive?" he asked and I nodded my head.

"Let me just clean myself up a little bit." I said and found my way out of the living room and back upstairs towards Alice and Jasper's room.

"Come in Bella." Alice called as I arrived outside her door and I continued into her room, smiling in relief when I saw her.

"Edward and I are going to go out for a while, can I use your washroom to clean up a bit?" I asked her and she laughed at me.

"I already put some clean clothes in there for you." I could feel the nerves in the pit of my stomach at what was sure to be an awkward conversation and I took my time getting ready.

"Are you sure you don't want to stick around the house... in case something happens like last night?" Alice hit me with the question as soon as I was done and I just stared at her.

"If something happens like last night then I'd rather be far, far, away. If I get to that point again it's because it's time for me to die, there is nothing left anymore." I explained carefully and firmly.

Alice let me leave after that and I didn't see anyone else as I made my way back downstairs to where Edward was waiting by the door.

"Are you ready?" he asked and I nodded, making my way outside to where Emmett's Jeep was waiting for us.

"We're not taking the Volvo?" I asked quietly as he helped me up and into the passenger seat, leaving me to do my own seatbelt and getting in the driver's side.

"The Volvo's in storage... I haven't driven it since the day I told you we were leaving." he answered, his lips turned down into a frown. I was curious but let it go as we made our way down the long drive and towards the highway where Edward seemed to have no particular destination in mind.

"I saw your dreams last night." Edward broke the silence a while later and I winced as I remembered everything that I had dreamed about.

"You saw all of it?" I asked to confirm and I watched as he nodded his head, gathering his thoughts before answering.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude on your privacy but your dreams hit so suddenly and I couldn't not watch once I started... it was so strange to see them... I've never seen anything like that before. I could feel everything that you felt, hear, and even smell the things you did. And Bella, I can't even express to you how sorry I am for everything that I put you through... for not believing that you were my equal... my mate." he apologized and I felt the first tears begin to fall.

"You destroyed me when you left Edward." I didn't have a lot to say today, I wanted him to do the talking, I wanted to know if there was truly nothing left for us.

"Bella... I..." he paused and I waited as he kept his eyes focused on the road in front of him.

"I know that I hurt you Bella and you deserve to hate me for everything that I put you through, everything that happened because of my stupidity. But Bella, I've always loved you. I never stopped and I wish that I had listened to you, listened to Alice, listened to Esme. I couldn't see past my own nature, I couldn't see myself the way that you did – you do." he paused again and I felt the swell of hope stirring in my chest, the hole already feeling as though it was smaller than it had been over the last several months.

"I don't know what to do now Edward." It was time to tell him my thoughts, tell him the whole truth.

"Carlisle and Alice took me to see Charlie before we came up here and I told him good-bye Edward. He knows that he will never see me again and I wanted it that way. I knew that if I came up here and somehow we were able to work things out, to be together, then I would one day become like you and it was better to say my goodbyes now. If we couldn't work things out... if we can't... well I'm prepared to let the pain take me." I whispered the last part and his eyes flashed dark as his face fell.

"When you let your shield down last night you sent Jasper to the ground with the amount of pain you were feeling. After you went to sleep we were speaking as a family and I asked Jasper to send the pain out to me, I wanted to know and Bella your pain is so much worse than I could ever have imagined. You said yesterday that you had accepted me as your mate and Bella... I've finally come to accept you as mine. I've always loved you... but this... this feeling of completeness at knowing that you are mine and meant for me. For the first time since I've known you, I don't care that I'm a vampire and that you're a human... I want to make things right for us Bella... I want to be with you if you'll have me." we were pulled to the side of the road now and my cheeks were stained with a steady stream of tears.

"I want to trust you Edward... and my heart... it's always been yours. But I'm scared. I won't survive another separation and I need to know if you want me to stay here with you because if I'm going to stay I need to know that you are going to accept me for what I am – your mate, your equal. I want you to want me because of who I am, not because you feel guilty that I won't live if you don't take me." My chest was aching less and less and I was hopeful that this was what he wanted.

"Bella. I promise you that I will love you forever if you will stay here with me... I'll never leave your side again." it was a simple statement but it meant everything to me. The hole in my chest was no longer threatening me and all that remained was a faint ache. I didn't have the words to answer so instead did the only thing that I could think of and threw myself onto him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders and burying my face in his neck.

"I love you Bella." the whispered words were all that were needed as I repeated them back to him, his arms around my waist as we sat there silently, relief flooding through me as our souls seemed to re-connect. The electric current which had always seemed to flow between us working into the cracks and binding us back together.

When we finally broke apart and I had wiped away all of my tears, my mind drifted back to the rest of the Cullen family and what they would think of my decision to stay, of Edward's decision to let me.

"How does everyone else feel about me staying?" I asked him and braced myself against what I was sure to come.

"Obviously you know how Carlisle and Alice feel. Emmett has always wanted you to be with our family... he's always been on your side Bella. Rosalie understands now and will support whatever decision came out of our talking today. Jasper, he's amazed by you and can't understand how you've been able to live through all of the constant pain... he'd like a chance to talk to you later on if you're okay with that." he answered and I gaped at him in shock as none of the reactions were what I was expecting.

"What about Esme?" I asked a minute later. Edward had started the Jeep and we were driving at relatively human speeds back along the highway.

"Esme's upset, but not at you. She's extremely angry with all of us for leaving and not staying, she's upset at everything that you went through, and she's upset with herself. She thinks of you like a daughter and she feels like she failed you and she doesn't know how to fix things." my heart broke at what he told me and I wanted to cry again.

"Is there any food at the house?" the thought ran through my mind as we passed a small diner at the side of the road and Edward scrunched up his face.

"No, do you want to stop?" he asked me and I nodded my head, not overly hungry but not wanting to risk passing out from not eating.

We turned around and Edward pulled into the diner so that I could order some breakfast and he sat quietly with me while I ate. When I was finished we headed back for the house while he told me about what had happened when they had first left Forks.

"Is everybody at the house?" I asked Edward as we turned onto the already familiar driveway leading up to my new home.

"Yes, everyone is here. Alice and Jasper are out front and were hoping to speak to you before we go inside." Edward warned me just as the house and the two mentioned vampires appeared in my sight. I felt my stomach tighten, my nerves making me wish that I could avoid the next conversations.

Alice and Jasper looked almost as nervous as I did as I made my way out of the Jeep and up the steps towards where they were both leaning against the house.

"How was your drive Bella?" Alice asked cheerily and I wondered if she had been able to see anything at all with my shield up.

"It was okay, we sorted through a lot... I'm going to be staying." I replied carefully and I felt Edward behind me, his hand resting on the small of my back.

"How are you guys doing?" I asked quietly as the two turned and began to walk around the porch towards the chairs that sat at the back of the house. Neither one of them had replied by the time that we had sat down and I was beginning to worry that the problems I had caused them were more severe.

"I need to apologize to you Bella." Jasper began to speak and I breathed deeply, preparing myself for whatever he needed to say to me.

"I feel as if this entire mess is all my fault. Not only was my attack towards you the catalyst that lead to our moving, but I foolishly believed that as a human, you would be better off without being in the supernatural world. I was wrong as we all were and I want to offer you my apologies Bella, it wasn't fair to you and knowing what it is like to be separated from my mate I should have been more understanding." I was crying again and looked to Alice to make sure that things were going to be okay between them.

"We'll be okay Bella." she assured me and I smiled through the tears.

"I never blamed you Jasper." It came out hoarse and he looked at me curiously.

"Jasper... what happened at my birthday was an accident. I knew when I decided to become a part of your family that there would always be a risk of something happening. But Jasper for some reason you seem to keep forgetting that you have to deal with everyone else's thirst on top of your own. When I cut myself at my birthday, you were dealing with the blood of Edward's singer, plus five other vampire's thirst... no matter how controlled they were." Everyone was looking at me with shock on their faces as I spoke and I wanted to continue, to lay everything out right here.

"Look, I don't know much about how the decision to leave was made but I do know Edward, so my guess is that he played every card that he could to get you all to go along with him. I'm sorry Edward, I do love you and want to work through things with you but I know that you were the one to convince everyone to leave." I stopped talking, not wanting to cause an argument.

"Nobody's ever thought of Jasper's thirst that way before Bella... is that true Jazz?" Alice asked looking at her mate as she grabbed his hand.

"I... yes... I guess it is true. I do feel everyone else's thirst as well as my own but I never thought of it that way when it comes to my control." he stuttered slightly as he replied and I felt Edward chuckle beside me.

"Leave it to the human to figure us out better than we can." his voice was light and I felt the tension decrease as we all sat there thinking about it.

"Thank you Bella." Jasper said a few minutes later. I couldn't resist and I stood up, walking over to him and hugging him for the first time ever, waiting for his surprise to wear off and him to hug me back before I pulled back and returned to my place by Edward's side.

"Bella! When are you coming inside?" Emmett's booming voice could probably have been heard from the highway and I giggled at his apparent impatience to see me. We all stood up and Edward's hand found it's way back to the small of my back, the warmth flooding through me at the close contact, the feeling normal, natural.

"Hey Emmett." I smiled as he picked me up in a bear hug and swung me around when I found the rest of the family in the living room, trying to look natural while they waited for us.

"Careful Em... the human just ate." I laughed as I felt my stomach begin to twist and Emmett put me swiftly down on my feet.

Emmett returned to Rosalie, standing behind her and placing his hand on his shoulder as she sat looking awkwardly at me. Carlisle and Esme were seated together on the love seat and I smiled when I saw them, going directly to Esme and pulling her in close to me in a warm hug.

"I missed you." I whispered and felt her squeeze me tighter. No more words were needed between us and when I turned and went to sit back beside Edward I felt better, I felt as if things might actually be okay.

We all stayed in the living room for a while, talking quietly about different things. Carlisle spoke to Jasper about what I had mentioned about his thirst and the rest of the family agreed that perhaps Jasper had better control than any of them. Jasper asked me questions about my shield and about the pain that I had hit him with the previous day. I experimented by putting my shield only over my mind and then opening up completely and Jasper was amazed at how strong my emotions truly were.

"Since you're going to be staying Bella, we need to pick you up some things... how do you feel about us all driving south to hit the mall and grocery store? If you aren't up for it I can just go, or we can order some things in..." Alice asked me and I smiled, I liked that she was giving me the option.

"Let's go." I smiled and stood up to stretch. Edward, Alice, and Jasper all stood up and Alice looked at everyone else.

"Are you guys coming too?" she asked and I wondered if my shield wasn't blocking the whole trip for her to be asking them.

"Yeah! We're coming!" Emmett's voice was loud and full of mischief. Esme just nodded her head and I smiled, glad that everyone wanted to come.

"Alright, let's go shopping!" Alice squealed excitedly and I rolled my eyes, everything feeling too normal... feeling unchanged.

I knew that there were still things that we need to talk about, to discuss; but for now I was happy being there with them, where I belonged.


	12. Fun Loving Family

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, rape, possible smut later on.**

_**I knew that there were still things that we need to talk about, to discuss; but for now I was happy being there with them, where I belonged.**_

Shopping with Alice hadn't changed from what I had remembered so I was glad that there were only a couple of hours until the mall would close and kick us out. I had never been out with the Cullens as a full-sized family before it was a fun and new experience watching them all interact with each other. Jasper and Alice were constantly touching each other which was also something that I had never seen before, they were usually more reserved in their relationship but I understood. After being away from Edward we were also constantly touching, it was as though our bonds were repairing themselves, strengthening our connection from the smallest touch. Rosalie and Emmett were as showy as usual and Carlisle and Esme followed along, their relationship quiet but deep.

When Alice had bought me enough clothes to survive for years and Carlisle had gotten me a new cell phone we made our way out of the mall and got in the two vehicles.

"We need to do something fun to welcome Bella back!" Emmett's face was lit up in excitement and I looked at Edward, wondering what he had meant.

"Emmett. We're not going to a club." Edward warned but it didn't seem to do any good. Emmett's phone was at his ear and I listened as he told Carlisle where we were stopping on the way home.

"Where are we Emmett?" I demanded as he pulled off the highway a minute later and down a street that lead into a downtown area.

"Relax Bella... Rosie and I come out here all the time." he smiled at me and I rolled my eyes, my stomach in knots as I wondered what kind of club we were going to. It took a few minutes before we pulled up in front of what looked like a simple pub a few minutes later and I breathed a sigh of relief as I realized that this is where we were going.

"I thought it was supposed to be a club?" I asked Edward and he chuckled at me and put his arm around my shoulder.

"He knew you wouldn't go to a club so he decided to come here instead, apparently they have decent music and some dancing." Edward explained and we followed the others inside.

When we walked through the doors I had to do a double take. What had looked like a simple older pub from the outside was modern and lively inside. It was definitely a pub, but one unlike anything that I had seen before. Emmett was right though, the music was good and surprisingly up beat, and the food smelled amazing. Thankfully the place was quiet as Emmett and Jasper lead the way through the small space and pulled two tables together in the far back corner, everyone sitting down in couples as the waitress approached. We all ordered drinks and then Emmett and Rosalie were up and dancing on the small dance floor, every person in the place had their eyes trained to the beautiful couple and I watched in amazement as both Emmett and Rosalie allowed some of their softer sides to shine through in the dancing. When the song ended and a slower song came on Carlisle and Esme stood up and joined them on the dance floor and I watched as Alice and Jasper seemed to be lost in each other at the other end of the table.

"Do you guys do this often?" I turned and looked at Edward in wonder, not understanding how I hadn't ever seen this side to these vampires.

"Not really, Emmett and Rosalie come to places like this a lot, but the rest of us usually don't bother." he answered and I shifted so that I was practically in his lap, my head resting against his shoulder.

We spent the next two hours in much the same way, all of us taking turns on the dance floor, me eating a light dinner, couples enjoying being together. When I started yawning Edward suggested that it was time to leave and we all piled out of the restaurant and into our vehicles.

The Jeep was quiet as we drove out of of town and made our way back to the highway and I was surprised at how well Emmett's idea had worked to relax us all.

"Hey Bella?" Rosalie asked a few minutes into the drive and I was slightly surprised that she had addressed me. Edward squeezed my hand reassuringly to let me know that it was okay and I waited for her to continue.

"I just wanted to say welcome home. I'm glad that you're okay and that you decided to stay." My jaw dropped at her admission and I was left speechless for a minute at what she had said to me.

"Thank you Rosalie." I finally managed to get out and I looked at Edward who just shrugged and smiled at me.

"Are you okay sharing a bedroom with me, this house is a little smaller than the Forks house and we don't have any spare rooms?" Edward asked me as we turned onto the driveway, making our way towards the house.

"That's fine... I just don't want to intrude on anyone's personal space." I replied and he pulled me closer to him.

"Bella, my space is your space. I know that you don't trust me yet, but I hope you'll believe me when I tell you that I believe in us as mates and I hope that you feel comfortable sharing space with me." he said and I let myself out of the Jeep before answering him.

"It's going to take time for me to trust you again, but I am comfortable with you, with sharing space with you."

"I love you Bella." he wrapped his arm around my shoulder and we wandered into the house, the rest of the family already off and doing their own thing as we made our way upstairs.

When we got up to his room I smiled at the familiarity of it. It was the first time I'd been in this room but it was almost identical in size and design to his room in Forks, the only difference being the bed that was made up in the middle of the room.

"Do you want me to leave?" Edward asked nervously, standing in the door of the room while I rummaged through one of the shopping bags that had been brought up, looking for some pajamas.

"Can you stay and talk for a while?" I replied nervously, making my way out of the room and into the hall washroom to change.

"Whatever you'd like Bella, although I do need to go hunting tonight." he told me and I felt my heart drop at the idea of Edward not being near me as I slept. I wondered briefly how I had gotten back to being so dependent on him and made a resolution to not let it bother me.

I changed quickly and made my way back into Edward's room, going directly to the large bed and curling under the covers. Once I was comfortable I patted the blankets to signal Edward to come and sit with me.

"I'm not the same Bella that I was Edward." I began to speak and wasn't quite sure where I was going with this, just knowing that I needed to have this conversation before I invested anything else in our relationship.

"I know that Bella." he said and he grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers.

"I just want you to know how much I've changed before you tell me that you want me, before you tell me that you'll never leave me again." I said carefully and he nodded his head, not wanting to interrupt me.

"When you left me in Forks Edward, well it caused me to hurt in a way that I never thought was possible. I dealt with that in a variety of ways and it wasn't easy. I have scars on my body that reflect some of the ways that I tried to control the pain, and I have scars from what the monsters at the hospital did to me when I went to them for help. In addition to the physical scars I have emotional scars too and I have issues with trusting you. Aside from all of the scars though I want to be with you, I want to trust you, and I do love you. I believe that we aren't meant to be apart and I'm prepared to give up my old life, my family to stay with you. But I need you to know that I'm serious when I tell you that I want to one day be changed and become one of you. I'm not ready yet and I know that, but when I am we will need to discuss it and you will need to come to terms with my choice. In that respect Edward you need to realize that I have an opinion and the things that I want and need are important, I need you to try and understand that and let me make my own choices." I told him firmly and Edward shifted so that we we were laying facing each other.

"I know that now Bella and I want you to know that I've changed as well. I want you to believe me when I say that I never want to lose you again." he leaned over towards me and his lips met mine in a brief kiss that sent sparks flying throughout my body.

"Get some sleep Bella." he said gently and I curled into him, my face buried into his chest.

My dreams were again tormented, sending me spiraling back to the hospital. It seemed like more and more of the missing time was coming back to me in my dreams and a part of me wished it hadn't. I woke up multiple times throughout the night, calling out, thrashing around in the large bed. By the time that dawn arrived I'd had enough of trying to stay asleep and decided to dress and begin my day.

I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen, pouring myself a glass of water before making my way down the hall and towards the living room. I hadn't passed anybody and was beginning to wonder where everyone was when I felt someone grab me from behind.

"Let Me Go!" I screeched loudly, panic setting in instantly. The hand that had grabbed me released it's hold instantly and I whipped around, ready to to fight whoever it was.

"I'm sorry Bella, I wasn't thinking." Emmett apologized quickly, his head hung down in shame, his hands raised in the air in an act of surrender.

"It's okay Emmett, I'm sorry... I just... please don't surprise me like that." I shook off the panic attack and smiled at him, he smiled back and we both began to walk down the hall.

"Where's everybody else Em?" I asked him casually, still wondering why the house was so quiet.

"Hunting." he said and then cocked his head to look at me. "I figured I'd stay here and if I wanted a snack you were right upstairs." he smacked his lips together and I pouted at him.

"Help me help me! The big scary vampire is going to eat me!" I mock cried as I raised my hands to protectively cover my throat.

"I vant to suck your blood!" Emmett laughed and waggled his eyebrows at me.

"What did I tell you about eating the human Emmett?" Rosalie was suddenly standing in the doorway, her hands on her hips. At her entrance Emmett again hung his head and fake pouted at her.

"To not to." he answered her with a straight face as the rest of the family made their way into the room, Edward coming directly to my side.

"Was Emmett trying to eat you, Love?" Edward's face was serious as he came over and put his arm protectively around my shoulders.

"I tried to tell him that I don't taste any good but he still tried anyways." I sighed playfully and the rest of the room broke out into laughter at our playful banter. I relaxed into Edward as Emmett and Jasper's attention was drawn to a video game and the rest of the family disappeared to go about their own activities.

"So what do you guys do up here?" I asked Edward as I felt him twist a strand of my hair in his fingers, the simple action making my entire body react.

"Well Alaska's pretty boring but that's why we're here. There's no jobs or school or human facade. We're far enough away from any town that nobody pays us any attention but close enough that if we need the mall or to get out for the night we don't have to drive for hours. We tend to come here for shorter periods between permanent homes when we need a break or when the pretending gets to be too much." Edward explained to me and I nodded thoughtfully.

"So since we got distracted last night on the way out of the mall and never did stop for groceries, who's going to take the human out to the grocery store for food?" I asked innocently and watched as Emmett and Jasper both dropped their game controllers and disappeared out of the room.

"Looks like it's just you and me Edward." I laughed as he he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder, running me out to the garage and Carlisle's Mercedes in the blink of an eye.

"There's no rush you know, I'm not going to wither away in the next five minutes." I rolled my eyes at him and he looked at me carefully.

"Well if you're going to make a decent meal for Emmett we have to fatten you up first..." Edward's eyes lit up and I couldn't stop the giggle that escaped my lips. This new Edward was completely different and more relaxed than the Edward I had known in Forks and I liked it.

We spent the entire time we were shopping acting like the teenagers that we truly were and my heart swelled at how easy it was to be back together with Edward almost as thought the past ten months hadn't happened at all. But as fun as it was, as much at home as I felt, I knew I needed time. I missed my home, I missed Charlie and Renee, and I still had scars that needed to heal.

***A/N: This chapter is a bit of fluff but I felt this story needed a bit of a lighter side in addition to all of the darkness. A lot of things are going to start happening in the coming chapters so I hope you'll stay tuned. I also want to apologize in advance for the delay in getting this chap and the next couple chaps up as I am away next week and this week has been incredibly hectic. **


	13. Being Humanish

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, rape, possible smut later on.**

_**We spent the entire time we were shopping acting like the teenagers that we truly were and my heart swelled at how easy it was to be back together with Edward almost as thought the past ten months hadn't happened at all. But as fun as it was, as much at home as I felt, I knew I needed time. I missed my home, I missed Charlie and Renee, and I still had scars that needed to heal.**_

"Get off me! Let me go!" I screamed at the top of my lungs before I heard Edward's soft voice break through the barrier of my dreams, urging me awake.

"Bella, open your eyes, Love." his tone was soothing and I pushed through the layers of sleep, blinking my eyes open when I finally reached the surface.

"Was that a bad one?" he asked me, already knowing the answer. In the two weeks I'd been in Alaska they had all been bad ones. Every time I fell asleep the memories assaulted me, and every morning Edward would coax me awake softly.

"Hospital." I whispered simply, knowing that by now Edward would know without me having to say to much, exactly what my dream had been about.

"I wish that there was something that I could do, some way to take the nightmares away from you..." Edward sighed before he kissed my forehead and I curled into his chest.

"I know, but it's just going to take time and you're doing everything that I need you to right now anyways." I smiled at him and he held me tightly, both of us enjoying the sensation of being in the others' arms.

"Feeling better?" he asked me softly and I snuggled closer to him.

_I was better as soon as I saw you here beside me. _I pushed my shield up and let my thoughts do the talking.

"So... I was thinking... we've been kinda stuck in the house and this area since I've been here and I know there are a few smaller towns around... maybe we could go out somewhere today... do something humanish..." he laughed at my wording and I stood up and moved to the floor where I began my morning stretches, a habit I had only recently picked up.

"Perhaps I can think of something for the two of us to do today." Edward smiled mischievously before coming over and picking me up off the floor, pulling me into a warm kiss.

"Yuck... you've got morning breath!" I teased him playfully pretending to cover my nose, and he threw me down onto the bed, attacking my mouth with his own.

Since I had been here Edward and I had been inseparable and Edward had clearly changed. I had been seeing a new playful side to him, he was letting go and having fun with me, getting close to me. We had kissed several times over the last two weeks, some of them soft and innocent, many of them becoming more passionate and deep.

This was one of those kisses, Edward was leaning down on top of me, our playfulness forgotten. His lips had crashed into mine and I had responded instantly, reaching my hands up and into his hair, pulling him down closer to me. When I needed to catch my breath Edward kissed down along my jawline and back across until he again met my lips and I felt my stomach begin to knot in need. We had made an agreement though. Edward knew that I wanted more eventually and he had promised me that one day we would try more, but not until we both felt that I was ready emotionally.

When we finally pulled our mouths away from each other Edward excused himself from the room so that I could get showered and dressed. Quickly grabbing an outfit from the closet, I made my way into the bathroom and turned on the water. I stripped out of my clothes and paused when I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My face was flushed bright red and I could still feel my heart pounding in my chest, my body still trying to control it's excitement.

As I continued to stare in the mirror the rush of happiness I had been experiencing quickly turned to a feeling of disgust and disappointment. My body was still speckled with scars and scabs. Thankfully the bruising from the hospital had all faded and most of my skin had returned to it's normal color but I was still sickly thin. I looked down at my legs and across my torso at the pink lines that reflected the pain I had been without having Edward with me – the months of loneliness. The bed-sores I had gotten while in the hospital were starting to heal, most of them scabbed over and no longer causing discomfort. Bu even though my body was healing I still felt used, dirty, ugly, and most of all unworthy.

I took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror, showering and dressing quickly, my mood significantly darker than it had been just a few minutes previously.

"Are you alright Love?" Edward asked as I entered the kitchen and immediately went over to the fridge, pulling out the orange juice and pouring myself a glass.

"I'm fine." I replied with a small smile as I pulled the cereal out of the cupboard and Edward handed me a bowl. _Just a little broken..._

"You're not broken Bella... you're perfect." Edward came over to me and spun me around to face him, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me in close. I had forgotten that I had put my shield up earlier and buried my face in his chest as I realized that he had probably heard every thought I'd had that morning.

"Don't hide from me Bella." he pulled me back gently and tilted my head up to look at him.

"I'm sorry." I mumbled not really sure why exactly I was apologizing.

"Bella, you're perfect and strong and beautiful." he told me and I felt the tears begin to roll down my cheek again.

_I'm not... I'm weak and scarred and used and ugly. _My reflection in the mirror this morning accompanied my thoughts and I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push the image away.

"Come here Bella, come sit with me." I let Edward pull me over to a chair at the table and onto his lap.

"Bella I know that you have scars from your past but the physical scars will fade... will one day disappear completely." My eyes snapped open and shifted to his face at what he was implying with his words.

"I know that the emotional scars will take longer to heal, but we have all seen you grow and change and begin to heal in the two weeks that you've been here. But Bella, I'm prepared to be by your side the entire time, no matter how long it takes. I won't leave you again." I felt myself searching his eyes, looking for the reassurance that I needed and saw only his love pouring out and into me.

"And Bella... for the record... you're the strongest person I've ever met." I brought my face to his and kissed him softly on the lips, needing the physical contact as much as I had needed his verbal reassurances.

"Did you still want to go out today?" Edward asked me as I pulled back and stood up to get my forgotten cereal.

"I'd like to get out for a while." I answered him and saw his eyes twinkle playfully. He left me alone in the kitchen while I ate, telling me that he was going to talk to Emmett and I suddenly felt very worried about what he may have planned for us for the day.

"Where are we going?" We had driven in relative quiet, my hand entangled in his.

"Well... you said you wanted to do something _humanish_ and I was thinking that perhaps you might like to go to the Alaska SeaLife Center with me." Edward revealed and I felt a wave of relief wash over me... maybe he hadn't been seeking Emmett's advice earlier.

Edward and I spent the rest of the morning wandering around and looking at the various marine wildlife, all of the animals moving to the back of their enclosures when Edward and I would approach. My favorite exhibit was the penguins and Edward laughed at me when I wondered out loud how penguins tasted.

When my stomach began to growl Edward dragged me back out to the car and drove us to a little restaurant for lunch.

"They don't serve sea food do they?" I joked as we got out of the car and headed inside.

"Penguin... just for you." he teased and I playfully slapped him on the arm.

"Careful. You'll need that arm this afternoon." Edward hinted at me and I wondered what else he had planned, I had initially assumed that after eating we would be heading back up to the house.

"Why?" I eyed him curiously as the waitress made her way over to the table. I was hit with a sudden sense of deja-vu as she immediately greeted Edward, shamelessly attempting to flirt with him. I watched as Edward brushed her off and directed her to me so that I could order my food but she was a persistent one and turned her attention right back to him.

I could feel the anger building as this tramp attempted openly to take my man away from me and my mind kept chanting _he's mine _over and over.

"Bella..." Edward's voice was warning and curious all at once as I stood up and tapped the waitress on the shoulder. It seemed to wake her up slightly as she turned to face me, surprise coloring her features.

"Would you mind getting the hell away from my boyfriend." I scared myself with the absolute fury in my voice and it obviously affected her as well as she took a step back. I was seeing red now as she fumbled out a pathetic apology, the other people in the restaurant watching us closely, management coming out and attempting sort out what had happened.

"Bella, let's go." Edward whispered in my ear as he stood up and came to my side. I relaxed instantly as his hand snaked it's way around my waist, the red in my vision fading and the color draining from my face as I realized that I had just about started a fight with this woman – I had wanted to her her – I had wanted her dead.

I barely heard Edward ream the management for the inappropriate behavior of the waitress before he lead me out to the car and helped me get into it. I hadn't said another word and we drove a while in silence before pulling off to the side of the road where Edward turned to look at me.

"I'm... I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me at the restaurant..." I mumbled my apology and looked down at my hands.

"What you just experienced Bella was a form of blood-lust." Edward looked at me as he said the words and I pulled my shield tightly around my body to silence my internal rambling from him.

"What do you mean?" I asked him quietly, still embarrassed by my actions.

"Vampires are ruled by our emotions Bella. Our primary emotion is thirst and as you know it takes time to become controlled and to get past it. After that we begin to learn to control our other emotions but when it comes to our mates – our partners – it gets even more difficult. The red haze you were in at the restaurant was a form of blood-lust, you sensed a threat to me and you and you acted on it – you wanted her to pay." Edward explained and I looked at him as if he had three heads.

"But I'm not a vampire..." I reminded him meekly.

"No, but I am and we've already proven how strong our connection is. I've never seen another human experience a blood-lust like you just did... it was quite amazing actually."

"Amazing? Amazing?" I asked him in disbelief. "I made a total fool out of myself back there because I was jealous of some tramp who thought she had a chance with you." I ranted and saw him chuckle.

"Bella... it was amazing to see how connected we really are, to see what you would do for me... it was actually kind of sexy." he told me and now it was my turn to look at him in disbelief.

"Come on, let's get you some food. Emmett will kill me if we're late." Edward gave me a quick kiss and then started the engine, my stomach flipping around as I again wondered where we were going.

"You've got to be kidding me." my mouth was hanging open as I read and re-read the sign on the outside of the small building. Emmett's Jeep and Jasper's truck were already parked beside us and I wondered who else had come on this little outing.

"Come on Bella, it'll be fun, Emmett booked the entire arena for our family." Edward tried to coax me but I wasn't budging from my spot in the car.

"Seriously Edward... did you forget that I'm HUMAN?" I was nearly shrieking at him, the panic swelling in my chest.

"Exactly why we're doing this, we've all agreed to some rules to make it better for you, come inside at least and let us explain before you say no." Edward begged me and I was shocked that he was up for something like this, for allowing me to participate in something that could so easily hurt me.

Sighing I unbuckled my seatbelt and stepped out of the car, re-reading the sign one last time before I held my shoulders up and walked into the building.

_**Alaska Paintball Adventure – **Edward was seriously loosing his mind._

I hadn't walked three steps into the building when I instantly regretted even coming in to the building that served as supply and registration office; the arena obviously being the large fenced in, heavily forested area outside. Standing in the small space was every member of my family dressed in black and carrying top of the line equipment. I felt the heat rise to my cheeks as I realized that I would have no back-up in my protests against this.

"Bella, we'd like to introduce you to Eleazar and Carmen. You know Laurent and this is our cousin Irina." Edward's arm was locked securely around my waist as if to prevent me from running out of the room and back to the car.

"Do you honestly expect me to play paintball with you all?" I demanded in anger, my imagination running wild with the possibilities of what could go wrong.

"Relax Bella. Yes we want you to play but we've agreed to some ground rules." Jasper smiled at me and I felt a wave of calm hit my shield and bounce back towards him.

"None of us have ever played before Bella so this is new to us as well. We were thinking though to make it more fair we would all move at human speed and aim is to be restricted to areas below the shoulders." Carlisle spoke up and I tried to relax. Maybe this could be fun... maybe if Edward and I stuck together I wouldn't get pummeled by those tiny bullets that made me cringe just looking at them.

"Fine. But human speeds only. And if I say I'm done... that's it. No more." I spoke firmly and the room erupted in excitement.

"One more thing." Rosalie spoke up and I looked at her questioningly.

"To make things more interesting why don't we add in a capture the flag component to the game." Rosalie's eyes shifted just slightly to Alice and I instantly knew that they were up to something.

"Sounds good to me." Emmett roared and I heard several others speak their agreement.

"If we're playing capture the flag we need to make teams and Edward and Alice need to be kept on opposite teams." Esme spoke out and I knew that this was what was always decided in any team game they played.

"Men against women?" Irina suggested and again her eyes shifted ever so slightly to Alice. They were all in on it, whatever they had planned.

The group quickly agreed to the game and set some other rules out as Alice lead me into a change room and handed me an outfit similar to hers and an elastic to pull my hair back.

"Five minutes to hide your flags." Alice announced when we were finished and I watched as the men all took off out the back door and into the forest. I was truly nervous now and wondered how in the hell I was actually going to do this.

"Alright ladies... out you go, I'll hide Bella and the flag as I'm the best one at keeping my thoughts from Edward." The room was all smiles and I realized that this whole thing had been carefully planned out well before our arrival here.

"Keep your shield up Bella and hang onto this. We have an area set up to keep everyone away from you so you might not even need to shoot anyone." Alice was whispering as she pulled me out the door and flung me on her back. I almost lost my grip on the large gun which was actually small in comparison to the other one's that the family carried.

I kept my head up as Alice ran through the trees and towards the far back corner of the compound but when she began to climb a thick tree I was surprised she would even think of it.

"Alright. Stay here and watch that way, if anyone gets close to the area shoot them. The leaves here will keep you covered and these branches for the perfect nest for you, wide enough you won't fall." Alice whispered so low that I had to strain to hear her as I looked around my perch. She was right it was a strange sturdy clustering of branches that gave me plenty of room to turn around and not worry about falling, I couldn't even see through them to the forest floor. Alice quickly tucked the flag so that it was hanging from my pocket and the next thing I knew, she was gone.

At the thought of being alone up here and the target for every male vampire I knew to find me I wished that I could just disappear, melt into the tree and pretend I wasn't there. Feeling around the edges of my shield I checked to make sure that it was covering me completely, twisting it and doubling it back around me, something I had never tried before but somehow it made me feel even more protected.

I could hear the game starting below, squeals of laughter and the sound of my family chasing each other with guns firing off almost constantly. I hadn't seen one member of my family yet and was beginning to grow bored, almost wishing that I was one of them so that I could participate more fully when I heard the sound of leaves moving somewhere close to me. Peering over the edge of my lookout I saw Jasper moving stealthily through the trees and aimed my gun through one of the cracks in the branches, firing a weapon for the first time in my life.

"Damn it." he cursed as I hit him square in the chest and I pulled my gun back up, not wanting him to see where the shot had come from.

I continued to watch him as Alice appeared in front of him, firing rapidly against him as he held up his gun in surrender, the two of them taking off back through the forest in a burst of laughter.

Standing up and looking over the edge to scout for any others in the area I didn't hear the approach behind me.

"That shot against Jasper was sneaky." Eleazar stood staring at me from a branch several trees away from me and the surprise of him standing there had startled me, causing me to take a step back.

"Bella!" he screamed as I felt no branch behind me, nothing to step onto but air and I felt myself begin to fall, twisting around and seeing nothing but the hard ground below me.

_**A/N: I know I've been especially bad at keeping this story updated but from now on my goal is to go no longer three days between updates. Thanks for all your kind comments and I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**_


	14. Broken Promises

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, rape, possible smut later on.**

"_**Bella!" he screamed as I felt no branch behind me, nothing to step onto but air and I felt myself begin to fall, twisting around and seeing nothing but the hard ground below me. **_

I didn't have time to process what was happening before my body slammed into the hardness, the ground not budging as I heard my wrist crunch and felt my knees slam down, the air being knocked out of my chest.

"Bella!"

"Are you alright?"

"What happened Bella?"

"I can't hear her or smell her?"

"Bella!"

"Carlisle?"

"I can't get to her."

"Bella!"

The voices were surrounding me as I scrunched my eyes closed and gasped for air, feeling the shooting pains in my chest, knees, hips, and wrists.

"Bella open your eyes Love," Edward's voice broke through the many as I finally began to regain my breath and I opened them slowly to see his face peering down at me with concern, Carlisle kneeling on the ground beside him and the rest of the family surrounding the three of us.

Groaning in pain I slowly shifted, rolling onto my side and then eventually my back.

"Don't move Bella." Edward spoke quietly and reached his hand out as though to stop me, but as his hand reached my shoulder he couldn't quite grasp it.

"I can't touch her Carlisle." Edward looked to his father figure and I watched as Carlisle reached out to touch my quickly swelling wrist, his hand stopping and hovering just above my skin.

"Bella, do you have your shield up right now?" Eleazar's voice rang out from somewhere to my left and I shifted my head around to look at him strangely.

"If you're shielding Bella, you're preventing them from touching you... did you do something different earlier when you put your shield up?" he asked me and I thought back, the memories jumbled from my fall. I had put my shield up when Alice had put me in the tree and then... I had doubled it over myself, the feeling of being further protected replaying in my mind.

"I doubled it..." I whispered before trying to find the edge of the film to pull it back.

"Don't take it off yet Bella, you're bleeding." Edward spoke as his gaze shifted down to my leg.

"Everybody needs to leave the area so that I can look at Bella," Carlisle spoke again and I watched as everybody disappeared back into the trees, leaving only Carlisle and Edward by my side.

"Okay, you can take your shield off now Bella." Carlisle told me a minute later and I flexed it, pulling the first layer off and then the second, shoving the entire thing into a back corner of my mind.

Carlisle's hands went instantly to my swollen wrist once my shield was put away, his icy touch soothing the sharp pains that shot through my arm at the slight movement. After he looked over my wrist he handed my hand gently to Edward to keep it cool and moved onto my head, feeling around, checking for any damage, looking over my hips and my ribs where I had pointed out various pains, rolling up my pant legs and looking at my knees.

"Here, I brought your first aid kit from the car." Alice's voice chimed and I watched as she handed it to Carlisle who immediately opened it and got to work cleaning out the multiple scratches and cuts, cleaning the blood out and bandaging anything that needed it.

"There's a pretty big gash on your leg here, I'm going to put some temporary sterile strips across it to keep it from bleeding too much and then when we get back to the house I'll stitch it up properly." Carlisle told me as he worked at closing the gash and taping some gauze over it.

"It looks like you were extremely lucky in the way that you fell and only your wrist is broken, although you're pretty bruised. Let's head back to the house and we'll get you cleaned up." he said with a small smile and Edward lifted me gently into his arms.

"Put me down Edward, I can walk." I looked at him and spoke firmly, not wanting to be treated like a complete invalid.

"Bella, you just fell out of a tree..."

"I know, let me walk, I'll get stiff if I don't walk it off." I cut him off and he set me gently down on my feet, keeping his arm around my waist while I steadied myself.

"Alright, let's get back to the house." he said and we began walking slowly back through the forest and to the door of the office where the entire family was still waiting.

"I'm so sorry Bella, I never should have put you up in that tree." Alice bombarded me as soon as I came through the door.

"I'm sorry as well Bella, I shouldn't have startled you like that." Eleazar also apologized to me and I shook my head at the two of them.

"It's okay, I'm fine. It wasn't anyone's fault... I fell because I'm a klutz but nothing serious happened, a little bruising and a broken wrist is nothing." I shrugged and we continued through the office and out the front door to the car, Edward helping me into the backseat with him while Carlisle and Esme got into the front.

The car ride back to the house was relatively quiet as I leaned against Edward, keeping my wrist in his cold hands to try and soothe it, slowing the swelling.

"Thank you for today." I whispered the words as Edward climbed onto the bed beside me, wrapping his arms around my waist. We had arrived back at the house and Carlisle had stitched my cut and put a brace on my wrist to wait for the swelling to recede a bit.

"I'm sorry that I had to ruin it again..." Edward stayed quiet, resting his chin on the top of my head. He hadn't spoken much since we had gotten back aside from yelling at Alice for putting me in the tree in the first place and I was worried about his sullen behavior.

"Please say something Edward... are you mad at me?" I asked him and I pulled out of his arms to turn and look at him.

"I'm not mad at you Bella," he smiled a small tight smile and I felt my stomach lurch at the memory of the last time that he had used that smile on me.

"I'm sorry Bella... today just hit me... another reminder of how fragile you are and how you shouldn't be in this world..."

"Don't Edward." I interrupted his train of thoughts before he could say the words, the shadow of ache in my chest pulsing out as I remembered the feeling of being separated from him.

"This is temporary." I gestured to my body, "One day I will be as hard and durable as you and the rest of the family." I felt my heart plummet as I said the words and saw his eyes shift away from my scrutinizing gaze.

"I want to be changed Edward..." his eyes snapped back to mine frantically. "I want to set a date for it now Edward." my tone was forceful and his eyes betrayed the promise that he had made to me when I had first decided to stay with them.

"You promised me Edward... you promised that if I stayed... that if we were together... that you would change me..." the ache in my chest was getting stronger and I felt my own panic rising at his stubbornness, at the refusal that I was sure was coming.

"I know what you want Bella." he said simply and I felt myself pull further away from him, hurt and disbelief flooding my body.

"Please leave me alone." I whispered and turned my head away from him, locking my gaze on the wall.

"Bella... please..." he begged but I didn't want to hear it, hear more of his false promises.

"Just go away." I closed my eyes and pulled my shield down over my body, twisting it and pulling the second layer back over myself. I felt the shift in the bed as he got up and then heard the door close softly as he left the room, my heart cracking as he did so.

I fought the tears but eventually lost, allowing myself to release the frustration of the day, to release the physical and emotional aches that were plaguing my body. When I'd finally cried it all out, I stood and made my way over to the bathroom, sitting on the toilet to pee. When I looked at my leg and saw the large gash I felt the pull of my old habit calling me, my emotional pain wanting to seek a physical release. As I sat there long after I had finished my business I fought against myself, knowing that in the long run it wouldn't help, but for right now it was what I wanted.

Tracing the cut with my index finger I turned it carefully, my nail slicing into the cut, pulling at the first stitch, the cut loosening and fresh blood making it's way through the dry, dribbling slowly down my leg and towards my foot.

As I stared at the trail of blood it mesmerized me and I wanted to see more, to feel more and I made my way to the medicine cabinet, looking for the tiny pair of nail scissors that I knew was on the second shelf.

Sitting back down on the now closed toilet seat I held my weapon in my hand, taking a deep breath and knowing that I shouldn't be doing this, but wanting to feel any pain but the ache that was steadily growing in my chest. I looked at the ladder of scars on my left thigh before I slowly placed the tiny blade next to my skin, taking another deep breath before I pressed it into the soft flesh and dragged it from the outside of my leg all the over to the inside, several inches above the diagonal gash that was still dripping blood from the pulled stitches.

I watched as the skin separated and little drops of blood appeared along the fresh cut, one that had barely broken through the skin, watching as the cut wasn't quite deep enough for the blood to travel down my leg on it's own.

Taking the scissors and placing them back on the outside of my thigh just below the first cut I made a second, this time a little deeper, the blood quickly streaming out of the cut, making it's way in streams down my leg.

A third pull of the scissors.

A fourth.

A fifth.

The painkillers that Carlisle had given me for my wrist were beginning to take effect and I could feel my eyes getting heavy as I sat there watching the blood, forgetting about Edward, feeling only the stinging of the cuts, the smear of blood that was covering almost all of my leg. Closing my eyes I leaned back against the tank of the toilet and let sleep come, not caring about anything else.

"Bella?" Alice's voice was soft as she called to me and I tried to pull myself out of sleep to reply, horrified at the dreams that had consumed me.

"Carlisle! Bella's cut! Come up here!" Alice's voice was alarming as I struggled out of sleep and blinked my eyes open, focusing on the room around me... the bathroom... I was in the bathroom... the cuts... my leg... it wasn't a dream... it really happened.

"Bella, let go of the scissors and put your shield down so that I can look at your cuts." Carlisle's voice was hard and disappointed as he appeared in the washroom in front of me.

I looked at him in confusion as I tried to remember what had happened and why I was in the washroom... Edward... Edward didn't want to change me... he didn't want me in his world.

"I... no..." I stuttered out as Carlisle spoke quickly to Alice, his words too quick and low for me to hear.

Alice disappeared and reappeared a minute later, his supplies to stitch my cuts in her hand.

"Bella, let your shield down so that I can look at these cuts." Carlisle's hand was hovering over my good hand which was still holding tightly to the nail scissors.

"He won't change me." I murmured, still not releasing the shield, not wanting anyone to try and fix me.

"I will change you Bella." I heard his voice from the doorway and saw Alice turn to glare at him.

"You promised me that you would accept my choice but you said..."

"I said that I knew what you wanted. Bella, I promised you that I would change you... I just wasn't expecting for you to want it so soon." he hung his head in shame as he came further into the room.

"If I asked you to change me now... tonight... would you?" I challenged his statement, my eyes focused on his face, looking for any hint of a lie.

"Yes. If you truly are ready and want me to I would change you tonight... I want forever with you Bella." he kneeled down in front of me as he spoke and his hand reached out to take mine, hovering over my shield before pushing through and taking my hand in his, causing the scissors to fall from my grasp.

"I'm sorry." I felt the tears well up in my eyes and I flung my sore arm behind Edward's back, pulling him into me as the weight of what I had just done flooded my system.

"I'm not ready yet." I sniffled as I pulled back from him, the tears still dribbling down my cheek lazily.

"I need a couple more weeks, but then I want you to change me." I said to him and he nodded at me.

"A couple more weeks." he confirmed before helping me stand up and leading me back into the bedroom where Carlisle and Alice were waiting for us. Making our way to the bed I laid down on top of the covers and Carlisle came over to me, ready to stitch up my mistake.

"I'm sorry... I know it was stupid of me... I didn't mean to do this... it just..."

"It's alright Bella, just promise us that you won't do this again." Carlisle smiled and reached down to wipe the blood off of my leg with a towel.

"Can you lower your shield please Bella?" Carlisle asked as his hand froze just above my leg, unable to get closer. I felt the flush rise in my cheeks as I realized that I still hadn't pulled it back and quickly did so, untwisting it and leaving it only covering my mind.

"How did Edward get through my shield?" I asked as Carlisle got to work cleaning and stitching the two deeper cuts on my leg and fixing his stitches from earlier.

"I'm not sure." Edward spoke, looking to Carlisle.

"I felt the resistance but I was somehow able to push through knowing that I needed to get to her." he explained and Carlisle looked thoughtful for a moment.

"Perhaps because she's your mate?" he suggested and I wondered if that could be true.

When Carlisle had finished stitching me up he left Edward and I alone again and I made my way back to the middle of the bed, Edward once again coming over and wrapping his arms around my waist.

"You know that I love you right Bella?" he asked cautiously as I closed my eyes.

"Yes... I know that... and I love you Edward." I replied, my eyes still closed, his arms tightened further around me.

"I want you to be with me forever." he whispered in my ear and it sent a shiver down my spine.

"I'm glad... I want to be with you forever too." I mumbled out as I felt sleep begin to creep up on me.

"I love you Bella Swan." I heard him say before I finally tumbled over the edge and into a deep and peaceful sleep.


	15. Quiet in the Morning

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, rape, possible smut later on.**

"_**I love you Bella Swan." I heard him say before I finally tumbled over the edge and into a deep and peaceful sleep.**_

When I woke up the next morning I was surprised to find that I was no longer wrapped up in Edward's arms and as I looked around the room, I tried to reign in my disappointment in not seeing him as best as I could. I took my time stretching out my stiff muscles in the bed before I even attempted sitting up, knowing from experience that I was probably going to pretty sore after the fall. It turned out I was right, a wave of dizziness hitting me as I finally swung my legs over the side of the bed and held on to the edge, steadying myself. Finally my head cleared and I managed to stand up, wincing as the cuts on my leg pulled when I straightened up.

I took my time cleaning myself up, showering and dressing in comfortable clothes, not anticipating any major plans for the day.

"Good morning Bella." Esme's voice chimed out pleasantly as I entered the kitchen, the smell of waffles wafting out towards me.

"Good morning Esme." I smiled at her as she came towards me, her arms pulling me into a tight hug.

"Are you feeling better this morning?" her tone was light as she pulled back, but I knew that she wasn't just asking about how I was physically feeling... she wanted to make sure that I was alright emotionally as well.

"I'm feeling much better this morning... just a little bit stiff." I tried to keep my mood light as I sat down at the table, Esme bringing me an overflowing plate of food before she took her place next to me.

"You know that none of us want to lose you right Bella?" Esme asked softly after I had eaten a few bites in silence.

"I know and I'm really sorry about yesterday." I felt my throat constricting as I thought about it again, thought about how upset Esme must have been by my own actions.

"If you feel that way again Bella, please come and talk to one of us... any of us." Esme's eyes were pleading with me as she asked.

"Yes, of course." I choked out, looking down at my plate of food that was no longer appealing. The stabbing of guilt that I had been feeling since waking up was growing larger, I hated what I had done.

I continued to eat my food in silence, not really feeling hungry anymore, but knowing that I should eat it anyways. Esme sat with me quietly throughout my meal, as if waiting for me to do something stupid, as if I needed a babysitter.

"Where's Edward?" I had finished my last bite and Esme had whisked away my dishes, putting them in the dishwasher before I even had the chance to tell her I would do it.

"Carlisle took him hunting last night, they were going a little further north but should be back in the next couple of hours." Esme answered me looking down guiltily and I suddenly realized that she was no better a liar than I was. I didn't push the issue with her though, knowing that if she was lying, it was most likely Edward that had asked her to.

"Is everyone else out?" I asked instead, curious about the silence in the house.

"Yes. Alice and Jasper are running some errands for me, Emmett and Rosalie are hunting." she said and I nodded before excusing myself. I contemplated for a minute going to the living room and finding something on the television to watch but changed my mind, instead going back up the stairs to mine and Edward's room and sitting down at the desk.

I sat staring at the small object for what seemed like an eternity before making my decision and pressing the small green talk button.

"Hello?" the gruff voice at the other end of the line wasn't the one that I expected to hear and I almost hung up the phone right away, not wanting to give away the fact that I was still alive.

"Hello?" the voice asked again, sounding slightly agitated.

"Um... hi, is Charlie Swan there please?" I tried to keep my voice calm as I spoke to Charlie's oldest friend.

"Who is this?" the voice demanded suddenly and I nearly choked on air at the hostility in his tone. Before I could collect myself there was a scuffle on the other end, the sound as though someone had dropped the phone and it had banged against the floor.

"Hello?" my dad's voice was much more soothing than Billy's and I smiled in relief when he picked up the receiver, even though I could still vaguely hear Billy ranting in the background.

"Hi dad." I spoke softly and the line went silent. While I waited patiently for him to gather his thoughts I felt a breeze flow into the room from behind me, stone arms wrapping carefully around my waist and shifting me so that now he was on the chair and I was his lap. Instantly my body relaxed into Edward's as he placed a small kiss on my neck, and I almost forgot about Charlie on the other end.

"Where are you Bella? Are you alright? Do you need me to come get you? What's wrong?" his string of questions continued until he was out of breath and I frowned softly at his reaction.

"I'm fine dad. I just... I thought you deserved to know that I'm okay. I'm with Edward again, but I wanted you to know that I'm happy and that I'm alright here."

"Are you sure you're okay there? You can always come home Bella..." Charlie began, the disappointment in his voice.

"I'm sorry dad, you know that I can't come home. I belong here with Edward... I just... I missed you and wanted you to know that I am happy here with him." I said with a sigh, I wished that I could see him just one more time before I was changed, but at the same time knew that it would only make things more difficult.

"Bells... Billy told me... he told me what they are..." I turned to look at Edward who's face was filled with surprise at Charlie's admission.

"What are they then?" it was more of a demand that he tell me, rather than a question, but I knew that Billy knew of his tribe's legends.

"It sounds so silly to actually say it Bells... but Billy says they're the _Cold Ones _of their tribe's legends... _Vampires." _Charlie had a hard time saying the word out loud and I thought back to when I had first discovered the truth and how hard it had been for me to say the word. I didn't know whether I should confirm anything though so I looked to Edward who simply nodded at me, knowing what I was unsure of, but before I could confirm or deny anything Charlie spoke again.

"Billy says that you can't come back because if you do now that you're one of them you'll be breaking some treaty... says that's why you can't come home again." Charlie's voice was strained as he spoke and I realized that they thought that I had already been changed.

"Dad... I'm not one of them yet..." I tried to explain but didn't really know what the point was as I would be one of them soon and then everything that Billy had told Charlie would be true. The treaty would be broken and I wouldn't ever be able to return to Forks.

"Bella, may I please speak with Billy?" Edward whispered in my ear and I spoke again into the phone.

"Dad... is Billy still there? Edward has asked if he could speak to him." I asked cautiously, unsure whether or not this was a good idea. My dad answered, telling me he was passing the phone to Billy and I passed the phone to Edward, waiting on edge to hear what Edward had to say.

"Billy." he began and I strained uselessly to hear the other end of the conversation.

"No Bella has not been changed yet, and when she is it will also not violate the treaty." I turned to look at him questioningly but he ignored me and continued to speak.

"Yes, I am aware that the treaty states that if we are to bite a human it is is void, however we have discovered a way to complete the change without having to bite at all. In any case we wouldn't change someone unless we were positive that it is what the person wants and I can assure you that Bella is the one who has requested the change. Also if you would like to discuss the breaking of the treaty, you may want to discuss it with your son Jacob who initially broke the treaty when he told Bella what we are, or yourself when you told Charlie what we are." Edward paused his rant and I could see a slight glint of anger in his eyes at whatever Billy was saying on the other end.

"Thank you Billy, please put Charlie back on the line so that Bella can continue her conversation with her father." Edward handed back the phone to me with a small smile and I took it gratefully.

"How did you get mixed up in this world Bells?" Charlie's voice was trying for humor to cover up whichever other emotions he didn't want me to hear.

"You know me dad... danger magnet." I laughed lightly.

"Look Bells... I know you can't come back... but now... now that I know... can you call still?" The emotions that he had been trying to hide slipped out with his question. Again I looked to Edward who again nodded his head to tell me that would be fine.

"Yeah dad, I can call now. I'm sorry for putting you through all of this." I said into the phone, the tears beginning to fall down my cheek.

"Love you Bells."

"I love you too Dad. I've gotta go now, but I promise I'll call again soon... okay?" I asked, the tears continuing to flow.

"Alright Bells... don't forget." he said before I heard the line disconnect and I ended the call on my end, curling into Edward's chest while I continued to cry.

"I'm sorry... I know that I wasn't going to call him..."

"Don't be sorry Love, it's fine. You can call him whenever you want." Edward soothed me, rubbing my head gently while I wiped my tears away. When they were clear I continued to cling to him and he picked me up, carrying me over to the bed and laying us down so that we were facing each other.

"How was your hunting trip?" I changed the subject, remembering that I wanted to know the whole truth about where they had been.

"It was good... but I missed you." he said as he kissed my nose, his icy breath tingling against my face.

"I missed you too... did you guys do anything else while you were out?" I wasn't going to let him distract me from finding out what I wanted to know. I felt him sigh and knew that he realized that I knew that something was up.

"We came across a scent that we recognized and wanted to track it down." he was still not answering me completely.

"And what was the scent?" I asked feeling like I was pulling teeth.

"Victoria." he sighed and I instantly felt the hair on the back of my neck rise up, a chill run down my spine.

"She's been around the house?" I tried to keep the panic from rising up at the mention of her name.

"Relax Bella, she's been here but it was at least a few days ago." Edward spoke calmly and I couldn't help but relax at his words.

"What if she decides to come for me?" I asked him a little calmer.

"Alice is watching to see if she makes any decisions and if she does, we'll be ready for her." he shrugged slightly before leaning down and pressing his lips softly to mine.

"Are you trying to distract me?" I mumbled against his lips, a slight smile forming as he continued to kiss me.

"Maybe... is it working?" he asked and I couldn't resist wrapping my good hand around his head and tangling my fingers in his hair, pulling myself closer to him. My actions immediately caused a light growl to erupt from his chest and I giggled as he flipped us over so that I was underneath him, his weight supported on his elbows.

Our kisses were turning hard, his tongue exploring the inside of my mouth, his lips traveling along my jaw, down my neck when suddenly I felt him stiffen above me and pull back suddenly.

"Go away Alice." he growled loudly and I let my head fall back against the pillow in frustration.

"Edward!" it sounded like she stomped her foot outside the door and I rolled my eyes at her show of impatience.

"Alice says you want to spend some time with her?" he looked down at me and I looked back up at him curiously. All that I wanted at the moment was to be here with Edward, completing what we had just started.

"All right... Alice is jealous that I get to spend so much time with you. She asked if you two could spend some time together... apparently Jasper wants to talk to me as well." Edward sighed, giving in to whatever Alice was mentally asking of him.

"Fine... give me five minutes Alice." I said to the door and heard her squeal excitedly before bouncing away down the hall, her high pitched voice carrying as she made her way to her room.

"Ms. Swan," Edward began and I turned my eyes back up to his face, "Would you come to dinner with me tonight?" he asked seductively, placing a tender kiss on my lips before I could answer.

"I'd love to." I kissed him back before he groaned and stood up, pulling me with him and placing me on my feet at his side.

"Five minutes is up!" Alice's voice rang from down the hall and I gave Edward one final hug before turning and heading towards Alice's room.

***A/N: My apologies for the delay between chapters, there have been some unexpected things happening IRL that have kept me away. I know that this chapter was a little slower, but things will be picking up again in the next one. Enjoy!**


	16. Edward's Cabin

*** All original twilight characters belong to S. Meyer. Any original characters are my own.**

*** Rated M for mature content – self harm, suicide attempts, rape, possible smut later on.**

"_**Five minutes is up!" Alice's voice rang from down the hall and I gave Edward one final hug before turning and heading towards Alice's room.**_

"This color is so pretty on you Bella!" Alice squealed excitedly as she pulled a deep blue blouse out of her closet and I rolled my eyes, hoping she wouldn't see my reaction. Time with Alice hadn't changed and I should have known that when she had interrupted Edward and I, that I was dooming myself to be tortured by one of her endless makeovers.

But as I sat there in her room with her while she pulled tops and pants, skirts and dresses, flats and heels out of her closet and threw them at me I couldn't help but smile too. Although I had never loved going through this process with Alice, when they were gone from my life I would have done anything to have Alice back, picking my clothes, lathering my face with makeup. So now that I did have her back, I wanted to make sure that I enjoyed what I had previously missed.

"Put your shield away Bella. I can't see where Edward's taking you for dinner as long as you're blocking me and I need to be able to see to know what outfit to put you in." Alice bounced around the room, pulling me out of my thoughts. I flipped my shield up so that it was only covering my thoughts and Alice immediately flew into action, throwing most of the clothes roughly back into the closet.

"So... where's he taking me?" I asked as she threw a blue dress and black leggings at me.

"I can't tell you that silly." she laughed at me and I rolled my eyes again. Of course she couldn't tell me.

"I sat through the rest of Alice's makeover without complaining, enjoying her steady flow of chatter about anything and everything. Even though Alice had been the one to come for me and in a way the first one that I had forgiven for abandoning me, up until now our relationship had still be struggling. Today was the first day that doing something with only her had been this easy, this natural.

"Alice... you are amazing!" I gasped as she turned me around and pulled her hands from my eyes. She had managed to do my makeup flawlessly, making my face appear fuller and back to it's healthy weight without making me feel as though I was wearing a tonne of product. My eyes moved down and of course the outfit she had chosen fit perfectly, the knotted empire waist on the royal blue dress giving my chest volume and making me appear curvy in all the right places. The leggings that she had chosen fit well but were surprisingly comfortable resting on my stitches, not pulling or or irritating my cuts at all.

"I have one more thing I want to talk to you about before we're finished Bella," I turned and nodded at her to continue.

"There's a reason I interrupted you and Edward when I did earlier..." she began and looked down guiltily.

"Okay..."

"Well, your shield slipped down when you were in the middle of your make-out session and well, I saw that you and Edward had sex."

"And you interrupted that because?" I demanded as I felt my cheeks flush bright red in both embarrassment and anger.

"Because you weren't ready for it and neither was he. It was so sudden that it scared you and you reacted badly in the middle of it, then Edward went all crazy and self blaming and left you again because he thought he had hurt you and it just didn't end well Bella." she explained and I let out a deep breath.

I could picture the scene as she described it and I knew that it was a possibility. There had been a few incidences during our make-out sessions where I had experienced sudden flashbacks to the hospital, Edward was always understanding though, never pushing me further and always bringing me back to the present.

"Am I ever going to be able to have sex without remembering them?" I growled out at the realization, not really expecting an answer from Alice.

"Actually yes, you are. But you need to be ready for it to happen, it can't be a surprise like earlier would have been. Edward needs to go slow and you both need to talk before you can be intimate like that. But it will happen Bella." she told me and I looked at her in shock, how much exactly had she seen?

"When will it happen Alice?" I was testing her, wanting to know if she was going to tell me the entire truth for a change.

"There are a few possibilities that all depend on you and Edward. You both have been wanting more over the last couple of days so I don't think it will be much longer." she gestured to my outfit and I understood what she was trying to tell me."

"Tonight? You think it will be tonight?" I asked in disbelief. Even earlier in the heat of the moment I hadn't been expecting it to be so soon. Yes I had wanted it, but I knew that Edward was against being too physical before I was changed and I also knew that I didn't want to push my own boundaries.

"Jasper took Edward out to speak to him and explain my visions to him so that he understands that you need him to be slow and understanding. He's going to want to talk to you and only you two can decide when the right time is, but you're both flipping back and forth on tonight being the night now." Alice smiled at me and I tried to control the rampage of thoughts that was going through my mind.

"Tonight?" I muttered more to myself and took another look at my reflection in the mirror, suddenly seeing a very different person staring back.

"Only if you're sure you are ready for this." Alice assured me and I closed my eyes, pulling my shield back down over me completely, not wanting Alice to see the final outcome either way it happened.

"Edward just got back so whenever you're ready, he's waiting downstairs." Alice spoke softly. She had left me alone once I had placed my shield back down, understanding that I needed time to process what she had told me, time to thoroughly think through the possibilities for the night.

"I'm ready." I smiled at her and took her outreached hand as she helped me up from my spot on the floor, straightening my dress as I stood.

I followed Alice out of the room and descended the stairs directly behind her, watching as she leapt into Jasper's arms, the depth of their relationship obvious to anyone who could see their reunion after spending only a few hours apart from each other.

I felt myself smile as I realized that what Edward and I had was just as deep. Yes we had both made some foolish decisions in the short duration of our relationship, but in the long run, every move we made had actually served to strengthen our relationship further.

My eyes shifted to Edward as I paused on the last step, his gaze was traveling from my toes to the top of my head and back down again.

"You look stunning Bella." he whispered as his feet finally moved forward, meeting me at the stairs and his head leaned down to kiss me softly on the lips. When he pulled away I could still feel the shadow of his lips on mine and I missed the contact instantly. Edward must have felt the same way as he placed his arm immediately around my shoulder, pulling me into his side.

"Are you ready for dinner?" he asked and I agreed, although dinner wasn't exactly what I was ready for. I was ready for Edward.

"Not yet you don't." I heard Esme's voice and we both paused to turn back towards the interior of he house, Esme and Carlisle had appeared together, taking Alice and Jasper's place and I giggled when I saw the camera in Esme's hand.

"Do you mind Bella?" she asked and I told her I didn't, gazing up at Edward who had the softest smile playing on his lips as he looked back at me. In that single instant the camera was forgotten, the intensity of the moment causing a warm flush to spread up my neck and across my cheeks. When I was finally able to think clearly again and pulled away from his eyes I was surprised to see that we were again alone as he gently turned me and lead me out to his car.

"Has this car been here the whole time?" I asked curiously, breaking the silence as he held my door open for me so that I could climb into the passenger seat of his Vanquish.

"It was in storage a few miles south of here, Jasper and I went and got it while Alice was torturing you." He smiled nervously and I echoed the nervous feeling, my stomach currently feeling as though it was flooded with butterflies.

"So are you going to tell me where you're taking me?" I asked as he placed a CD in the player and I felt my heart swell at the familiar sound of my lullaby filling the air.

"A little place I know..." he chuckled and I wondered what the big secret was. He didn't tell me anything else, but he did reach across and grab my hand in his, both of us enjoying the moment, the sounds of Edward's compositions making the drive easy and peaceful.

"We're almost there." he said and I was surprised, we hadn't gone far at all and it appeared that we weren't anywhere near a town.

"Where are we?" I muttered as Edward turned off the main highway and I wondered where he could possibly be taking me, but I didn't have to wonder long as he again turned off the road and onto a hidden driveway, taking the curving driveway like an expert.

"I bought this place years ago as somewhere to go to get away from the family, somewhere to go when the steady flow of voices into my mind would get to be too overwhelming. Over the years all of the family has used it from time to time, usually when a particular couple is feeling the need for privacy. Since you've come back to me, Esme has been busy fixing it up, cleaning and making it livable for if we wanted some time alone." Edward explained as we pulled up to the small cabin, smoke billowing from the chimney at the side of the house.

"It's perfect Edward." I breathed as I continued to stare at the small wooden building that resembled what I had always pictured the wood-cutter's cottage from Sleeping Beauty to look like.

I allowed Edward to open my door and lead me out of the car, and up the steps to the porch before he surprised me by swinging me up into his arms and carrying me through the door and into the tiny cabin.

Giggling as he swung me around I nuzzled my face in his neck, no longer caring where we were, just wanting to be even closer to him.

"Bella," Edward murmured and as I pulled my face out of his neck and looked up at him our lips met, my arms wrapping around his neck and pulling him even closer to me.

All too soon, he was pulling back from me and I was groaning in frustration. I had made my decision, I knew what I wanted.

"Your dinner is ready." he said as he shifted me, placing me back on my feet and I took my first look around the room. We were currently standing in the middle of the living room, the wide sofa looking far too inviting as I forced my eyes to move on. The small fireplace in the corner was burning brightly, warming the entire room, and my eyes brightened when I saw the small dining table set for two, complete with candles and a single plate of food, still steaming hot.

"Bella, I know that Alice was talking to you back at the house and I think that now we need to talk." Edward was the first to broach the subject while I ate my dinner, my focus continually drifting back to what I wanted to happen that night.

"Edward. I know what Alice saw in her vision, but I'm ready Edward. I want it to be tonight." I whispered the last part, feeling my cheeks burning red, but not so much in embarrassment as anticipation.

"I didn't realize how close I was to hurting you further this morning Bella, and as annoying as Alice can be I am grateful for her interruption this one time. My biggest fear Bella is and has always been hurting you and I couldn't bare it if doing this hurt you, forced you to relive what you went through before. I want more than anything to be with you tonight Bella, but I need you to be sure that you are ready for this. And I need you to guide me and tell me if I'm hurting you, if I'm moving too fast, or if you change your mind." By the time he had finished his speech I had put my fork down on my plate and moved to his side of the table, straddling his lap and cupping each side of his face with my hands.

"I'm ready Edward. I know that it hasn't been a long time that we've been back together but since I've been back things are different. I've always felt that we were soul mates, connected together in some sort of strange way that made me feel pulled to you even when I didn't know where you were. But now, when you touch me, it's as though my soul is being repaired, two halves of a whole coming together and becoming complete. I know without a doubt that I want to complete our bond in this way." I assured him and couldn't hold back any longer.

I pulled his lips to mine and it was as though a fire surged through me, my body knowing that tonight was the night and responding to every one of his touches with an intensity I had never before felt.

Edward's hands were rubbing up and down my back now, down my sides, an urgent frenzy taking us both over as he stood, my legs wrapping around his waist as he moved out us out of the room and up the stairs.

"I love you so much Bella." our shirts were on the floor and we were taking our time to explore each other's bodies.

"I love you too Edward." I wanted more and tugged at his pants, he took the hint and soon we were both naked on the bed, breathing heavily as we each took in the sight of the other.

"Are you sure?" he whispered in my ear, kissing the lobe and down my neck as he stayed poised above me, waiting for me to say the word.

"I'm sure." I answered firmly, feeling him press into me, my body stretching to accompany him.

Our lovemaking was gentle and sweet, our bodies, souls and minds perfectly in sync with one another as wave after wave of pleasure washed over us. When we were done, neither of us felt the need to move, instead choosing simply to shift in the bed so that I could rest my head on his shoulder while he lazily trailed his fingers up and down my arms.

"Are you alright Bella?" he whispered the words against my neck and I pressed my body to his, wanting to be even closer to him then I already was.

"Mmhm," I sighed, "That was perfect." I turned my face up to see him smiling his perfect crooked smile down at me.

"I love you Bella,"

"I love you too, Edward."

We continued to lay together quietly, both of us content to just be, and soon I found myself drifting off to sleep. Just as I felt the last of my awareness creeping away I felt Edward stiffen and I bolted upright, my tiredness gone as I sensed that something was wrong.

"What is it?" I demanded as I looked at him and saw the anger flash beneath his eyes, his arm that had previously been wrapped around me soothingly, now lifting me onto his lap as though he was protecting me from some unseen threat.

"She's here." he hissed.


	17. A Memory Assault

**_* _I do not own anything Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Rated M for Mature content.**

"_**What is it?" I demanded as I looked at him and saw the anger flash beneath his eyes, his arm that had previously been wrapped around me soothingly, now lifting me onto his lap as though he was protecting me from some unseen threat. **_

"_**She's here." he hissed.**_

_Is she going to attack us? _I pushed my shield up and spoke to Edward, wanting to know what was going on. Why was she here? Why was she after us now? I had been alone and unprotected for so long, why hadn't she come for me before?

Edward shook his head at my question but his body remained stiff and alert, his grip on me tightening, his arms surrounding me.

_What's going on Edward? Where is she? _The silence was getting to me, his posture not relaxing even though he had said that she wasn't going to attack and I wanted... no needed to know what was happening.

"She's gone." His answer was too simple and I wanted him to expand it, gone could mean any number of things.

"Emmett and Rosalie caught her scent back at the main house and followed it here. They were only a minute behind her and she took off once she sensed their approach." he clarified and I sighed in relief, Edward gradually relaxing around me.

"After you... after you left, I was hallucinating... or I thought I was hallucinating. I would see Victoria and then I would blink and she was gone. Was it really her or was it my imagination?" I asked him a minute later, my body covered in goosebumps when I realized that it was possible that she had been after me the entire time.

"Victoria knew that you were my mate, she wants revenge for James' death. She was probably waiting for me to return to you so that she could kill me." he told me and I shivered, the thought of her so close to me making me wonder why she had left me alive.

"Why didn't she just kill me?" I asked the question and he kissed my head, squeezing me tightly in a hug before answering.

"I don't know. She's was careful with her thoughts just now, but I do know that she holds us both responsible for James' death." I cringed at the memories of Phoenix, absently rubbing the crescent shaped scar on my wrist.

"So she'll be back?" I questioned and he answered a quiet yes before I turned around in his arms, looking into his eyes.

"She's not going to hurt us." I stated firmly and he sighed, "Edward. She's not going to touch either one of us." I said again and he nodded.

"We should get dressed and head back to the main house." he smiled at me but I could see the worry beneath his eyes.

By the time that we had arrived back at the main house, Emmett and Rosalie had also returned, Victoria having disappeared a few miles south of the cabin. The rest of the family had gathered in the dining room and Edward and I came in and sat down, joining them immediately.

"What does she want Edward?" Carlisle asked almost as soon as we had entered and the room fell silent while he told them the same thing that he had told me.

"She's been in contact with Laurent," Carlisle said as Edward finished and I squeezed Edward's hand. "It seems that she attempted to call in some favors from him, she didn't give him many details but she was asking many questions about about us. He called to warn us just after you and Bella left earlier." he finished and I could feel Edward getting angrier by the second.

_I'm fine Edward. She's not going to touch me. _I tried to reassure him mentally as he continued to talk with the family, making plans for my safety, discussing ways to find her and take care of the threat.

"Are you tired, Love?" Edward paused his conversation with Carlisle when he saw my eyes getting heavy and I replied with a sleepy yes, telling them that I was going to head up to bed. Edward gave me a quick kiss and told me he would be up in just a minute as I trudged heavily up the stairs, stripped and climbed into bed without bothering to put pajamas on. As I closed my eyes I pulled my shield down over myself and doubled it up, checking to make sure that it was secure before I let myself fall asleep.

I slept fitfully that night, tossing and turning in our bed, nightmares plaguing me as I dreamt about Victoria, about her getting to me through Edward or worse... through Charlie. When I woke up the next morning I was surprised to find myself alone in the room still, the house eerily quiet. After stretching and out I got out of the bed, cleaning myself up and dressing before making my way down the hall and towards the stairs. I was about halfway down when my foot snagged on the carpet, catching and causing my body to twist, tumbling down the stairs.

"Bella?" I heard Esme's voice as I reached the landing, my leg twisted painfully under me, my broken arm throbbing from where I had landed on it.

"Oh dear Bella, are you alright." Esme was above m as I pushed myself up and rolled over onto my bed, groaning in pain as I moved. Esme reached out to me, telling me to lay still and moved to look at my leg, her hands pausing above me and I realized that my shield was still covering my entire body, preventing her from touching me.

"Carlisle, Bella's fallen down the stairs." I had removed my shield and Esme was looking over my twisted leg carefully, inspecting it while she spoke on her cell phone.

"Yes, come back, her leg is twisted strangely and I'm not sure if it's broken or not." she said and a few seconds later pressed her phone closed and moved her arms underneath me, picking me up and carrying me back upstairs to the bedroom.

"Where are they?" I asked as she set me down gently on the bed and I laid there still, not wanting to cause myself any further pain.

"They were out last night tracking Victoria, trying to stop her before she can try to hurt either you or Edward. They're on their way back now." she said with a small smile, sitting down on the bed beside me.

"Sorry about falling... I didn't mean to..." I apologized awkwardly, hating my clumsiness, the fact that I couldn't go for more than twenty four hours without hurting myself.

"Don't be silly Bella, you have nothing to apologize for, accidents happen." she assured me and I felt the slight breeze as Edward made his way into the room, coming immediately to my side and beginning to inspect me.

"Are you alright Love?" he asked as he reached my leg and I winced slightly as he moved it, the pain not nearly as bad as the pain in my arm.

"I'm okay. My foot just got caught on the carpet this morning and I slipped. I landed funny but I think I'm okay... I think I just twisted my knee." I said with a grimace as Edward's hands moved to my arm, moving it gently to inspect it. "And I landed on my broken wrist." I added in, biting down on my lip as Carlisle came into the room, Esme standing and moving out of the way so that he could also look me over.

Once it was determined that I had indeed twisted my knee and undone any progress I had made on my wrist, Carlisle gave me something for the pain and Edward laid next to me on the bed, rubbing my head softly while I spent most of the day resting, dozing in and out and obeying Carlisle's orders to take it easy and not hurt myself further... which for me meant do nothing so there's no chance of falling.

Late that evening I had woken up and Edward had insisted that I eat something, so I had sat up in the bed while Esme brought me supper. In between bites I had asked Edward about tracking Victoria the previous night and he had explained how they had followed multiple trails but they all seemed to just run in circles, they had no idea where she had gone but they weren't going to stop looking for her until she was gone, until she was no longer a threat.

"Are you tired Bella?" Edward asked a little while later and I shook my head, after dozing all day I was wide awake. Before he could ask me anything else I shifted in the bed, ignoring the slight pain in my leg and pressed my lips to his, melting into him instantly as his hands found their way to my waist, pulling me effortlessly up and into his lap.

Things progressed quickly and before I knew what was happening I was below him, and we were joining together as one. Our touches as gentle as the first time, Edward taking care not to hurt my injured wrist or knee further, going slowly, gaging my reaction to his every move. But I wanted more so I pulled his face down to mine and kissed him hard, lifting my hips to meet his, forcing him to move slightly harder, a little faster.

"Are you alright Bella?" I was laying in his arms after we had finished, content to stay that way forever.

"Mmhm," I murmured looking up into his eyes which were almost sparkling in happiness, just a slight undercurrent of worry running through them.

"I'm better than okay." I whispered and again leaned up to kiss him, trying to tell him how good I actually was right now.

"I didn't hurt you did I?" he asked and I shook my head with a small giggle.

"Stop Edward, I'm fine. I promise... although... I could use a shower." I said with a sigh and before I knew it he had us in the bathroom, the tub filling up with water.

Once the tub was filled Edward gently lifted me in, careful not to twist my leg and laid my arm on the edge, resting on a towel while Edward grabbed a cloth and began to wash down my face, my neck, my chest.

"Edward!" I heard Alice scream at the same time the memory flooded my brain, moving in too fast for me to stop it and suddenly I was back in the hospital, sitting on a stone bench in the shower. My arms were pinned above my head and there was a man in front of me, using his free hand to roam my body roughly. Claiming it as his. Pinching, pulling, touching.

"Bella calm down." I heard Alice's voice from the distance and continued to thrash against the attack on my body, not willing to let him take me easily. My eyes were squeezed tightly shut now and I could hear myself screaming at him to get away from me, to stop touching me.

"It's okay Bella, you're safe. Open your eyes." Esme's voice floated in through the air and I paused in my thrashing briefly, wanting to believe her, but terrified that I was back in that awful place.

Slowly though I realized what had happened as my breathing slowed and I opened my eyes, the sight of my room surrounding me causing my lip to tremble, tears to fall.

"Ssh, it's okay sweetheart, it's alright. We're here. We aren't going to let anything happen to you." Esme soothed me and I looked over at her face beside me, her hand holding mine gently as she spoke and I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt at what had just happened.

"I'm so sorry." I choked out between sobs, rolling over and curling in on myself, noticing the heavy blanket that was covering me on the bed.

"Do you want to talk about it Bella? Tell me what happened?" Esme asked with concern, rubbing my back while I continued to cry and my thoughts turned to Edward, where was he? Had he left because of my outburst? Would he be back?

"It was... I just... I remembered something that happened at the hospital, but it was so sudden and it was like I was right there." I stuttered through my tears, "Where is he? Where's Edward?" I was frantic to find him, to let him know that it wasn't his fault, to tell him that I needed him.

"I'm here Bella... I'm so sorry Love," he said coming cautiously into the room and stopping several feet away from the bed.

"No Edward, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I just... I saw..." I began but felt my throat begin to constrict, I didn't want to say it again, I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to move on and felt a surge of anger at these memories that were forcing their way into my mind and taking over.

"It's alright Bella, you don't have to speak about it, I heard what you told Esme and I'm sorry, I didn't know and by the time that Alice saw it, it was too late." he hung his head as he spoke and I reached my good hand out across the bed, reaching for him, wanting him to take it as I laid there, desperate to have him wrap his arms back around me, to tell me that it was going to be okay. Moving slowly he made his way over to me and I reached up and grabbed his hand, pulling him down to the bed where he curled his body around mine and I smiled to Esme in thanks before she quietly exited the room.

We stayed in the same position through the night, Edward holding me while I told him about my newest memory, explained that I had never seen it before and how I had been instantly transported back to the event. He held me while I cried and vented my frustrations about the events from the hospital, for the first time really opening up and sharing things that I had tried to keep bottled up inside since my return to the Cullens. He continued to hold me while I drifted off into a fitful sleep hours later, while I woke up screaming from the nightmares that were suddenly so intense, so real. And he held me close to his side over the next several days while I worked through everything for the first time, leaving me in silence when I needed him to, reassuring me and telling me he loved me at just the right times.

With the sudden change in my mental state, Victoria had been pushed to the back of everyone's thoughts as they all tried to comfort me, to reassure me that they would never let anything happen to me again.

About a week later I woke up one morning and finally felt a sense of calm, of release... of happiness.

"How are you feeling Bella?" Edward asked quietly as I opened my eyes, taking a deep breath in and inhaling his sweet scent.

"I feel... better." I said and he looked down at me in concern, probably thinking that I had finally lost my mind.

"Better?" he asked and I nodded.

"Better... I had some dreams last night... they helped me let go." I tried to explain the sense of release I was feeling to him, explained that I knew that I was far from forgetting, but that I was ready to deal with it rather than push it aside, I was ready to overcome it, to continue my life.

Three days later Edward left my side to hunt for the first time since my flashback and I spent some time with Alice and Rosalie, talking about everything and nothing, letting go and allowing some of my happiness to show through.

By the time that Edward arrived back to the house I was already changed into my pajamas, ready for bed.

"Bella?" Edward asked curiously as he came directly to the couch in the living room where I had decided to watch a movie while waiting for him.

"Hey," I said with a smile, reaching out from under the blanket that was covering me to pull him in for a soft kiss.

"Did something happen while I was away?" Edward asked when he pulled away, still kneeling on the floor beside me, resting his hand on my cheek while I wondered what this was about. Had they come across Victoria's scent during their hunt? Had something happened to one of them?

_What's wrong Edward? Nothing has happened here... I spent the day with Alice and Rose talking about fashion, hollywood, and girl stuff. _I opened my shield to him and let him read my concerns as it was easier than trying to speak while my mind was working in overdrive.

"No, nothing happened while we were out... I just... when I came in I noticed that your scent... it's different." He spoke softly but even still Carlisle was in the room a second later, looking at Edward before moving closer to me.

"You're right Edward." he said a moment later and I pulled back into the couch, wondering what exactly it was about my scent that had changed during the course of the day.

"It's sweeter... thicker..." Edward murmured so quietly I nearly missed it.

"Hold on a second. Would someone please tell me what you are talking about?" I demanded firmly and watched as their heads both snapped back to look at me and the rest of the family began to appear in the room with us, wondering like I was, what was happening.

"I guess I didn't notice because we haven't been apart... but your scent has changed Bella, your blood actually smells slightly different than it did before." Edward explained grabbing my hand gently and I looked at Carlisle who nodded his head in agreement.

"What does that mean?" Esme beat me to the question that I wanted to know the answer to and we all looked at Carlisle awaiting his answer.

"I'd like to do some blood work to see if there is something wrong... some sort of illness... but I think I have an idea of what it is." I looked at him expectantly and Edward shook his head, a look of anger crossing his features.

"That can't be it Carlisle... it's impossible." Edward spoke between gritted teeth and I felt my frustration increasing at their silent conversation.

"Out loud please." Rosalie stated, obviously also annoyed at lack of verbal communication.

"You know as well as I do that her scent change reflects it Edward, it's the same sweetness that always accompanies it. Do you mind Bella if I do blood work first to confirm what I think it is before I say anything? It's a simple test that will only take a couple of minutes." he asked and I let out a loud sigh, telling him that it was fine in a frustrated voice, knowing that I wanted to know now what Carlisle was expecting.

"Is there anything else bothering you Bella? Are you feeling alright?" Edward asked as Carlisle returned to the living room with the supplies he needed to take a small vile of blood and I focused on Edward's face as he quickly drew it from my arm.

"No... no nothing else is wrong... except... I don't know... I'm tired?" It was more of a question than a statement as I wasn't sure that it was a possible symptom of whatever it was that they thought was wrong with me.

"It's alright Bella, I'm sure everything is alright and it's just me being paranoid again." Edward smiled at me, trying to tell me to calm down, but I couldn't. I knew that he was hiding his concern for me but I didn't know what they could possibly think was wrong with me. There was no way that I was going to calm down until they told me what it was.

"Do you see anything from my future Alice?" I asked looking over at my best friend who was huddled in the corner with Jasper, her face just as concerned and frustrated as mine.

"No... is your shield up?" She asked focusing on me and I shook my head.

"No, I don't have my shield up, at all." I said and she scrunched her nose, trying to see something... anything.

"There's nothing!" she said and Esme let out a slight gasp as she spoke, my eyes turning angrily towards Edward, demanding that he tell me what it was that Carlisle thought was happening to my body.

The room was silent as we all stayed locked on Edward who was refusing to speak until Carlisle returned, his face serious.

"So..." I asked impatiently, not wanting to wait any longer, just wanting to know what it was.

"Edward," Carlisle spoke to my mate who was running his fingers through his hair, tugging on it as he went.

"It's impossible Carlisle." Edward said again and I felt my anger bubble up inside me. If they didn't tell me soon I was going to explode.

"The test was positive Edward... and the levels are too low for it not to be very new." Carlisle said and I looked around the room at the faces of my family, faces that reflected my own anger and frustration.

"What is it Carlisle?" I demanded then, my voice cold and firm. Esme came over to the couch and sat on the edge, resting her hand on my shoulder for support.

"Bella's..." he began,

"Bella's pregnant." Edward finished and I felt all color drain from my cheeks at the announcement. It felt as though there was a weight on my chest and I was struggling to understand how this could have happened. It had been almost two months since I'd escaped from the hospital but Carlisle said it was recent, early... but it couldn't be, I couldn't have a child with Edward. We all knew this.

The room was eerily silent after Edward's announcement as everyone else tried to process the same things that I was trying to.

"How far along is she?" Esme's voice broke the silence, her hand stroking my head.

"Not very, judging by the level of hormone in her blood, she's only in the very early stages." Carlisle answered and I felt my own confusion double.

"So it isn't from the hospital?" Esme pressed and I cringed at the thought, praying that there was some miracle that it wasn't from those monsters.

"No," he said and I heard the room around me erupt into questions, their silence no longer contained as they asked how it could be possible, how Edward could possibly father a child with me.

As the noise in the room grew louder, everyone fighting to express their opinion, their questions, I felt myself becoming overwhelmed. I had just found out that I was pregnant, something that I had never imagined possible. The room was getting too loud and I covered my ears with my hands, pressing my eyes shut and trying to block them out.

"Bella!" Edward's voice rang out for the first time since his announcement but it was far away as the darkness came, consumed me, took me blissfully into unconsciousness.

**A/N: I know, many readers hate the Bella/Edward/Baby storylines, so I apologize if you have got this far and are deciding to leave. If you are deciding to stick around, I apologize for the delay in writing lately. I'm going to try and get back to updating all of my stories more regularly. Unfortunately real life has been keeping me very busy and in between being very sick, it can sometimes be difficult to get things posted. But I promise to try and do better! Hope you enjoyed, as always thank you for any and all reviews!**


	18. Shielded Escape

**_* _I do not own anything Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Rated M for Mature content.**

"_**Bella!" Edward's voice rang out for the first time since his announcement but it was far away as the darkness came, consumed me, took me blissfully into unconsciousness.**_

When I opened my eyes again the noise had quieted and I was glad to see that someone had brought me up to our room again. Alone in the room I was free to think about what had happened before I had blacked out, about the news that Carlisle had given us.

_A baby. _

_A baby with Edward._

_I was pregnant._

I couldn't seem to wrap my head around the news, my brain going in circles at the information, not understanding how it was possible, not knowing what this would mean to Edward and I.

Reaching over to the bedside table I flicked on the lights as I sat up pushing the blankets down and examining my body.

_Could I handle this? _I thought to myself as my hand rested on my still flat belly. I was still trying to heal from everything that had happened while they had been gone, Edward and I were doing amazing but still working on our relationship. I... well it had been less than two weeks since I had cut myself, since I had gone ballistic at a simple touch because of a flashback. My wrist was still not healed, my knee still painful when I walked.

But a child... and not just any child but my child... our child... was growing inside me. It was something that I'd never thought of before, but now that it had sunk in I already knew that I wanted it. My mind started to change direction and I saw pictures run through my mind of a small baby, resting in my arms as Edward played a lullaby on the piano. A child small child running through the house and jumping into my arms happily. No, I knew that I wanted him or her already, no matter how unprepared I felt I was, it was happening and I would have to deal with it.

I sat in the bed for a while longer thinking through everything carefully, thinking up questions to ask Carlisle when I talked to him. Finally I grew tired of being alone in my room and stretched before standing up, and making my way out of the bedroom and down the hall, wondering where everyone was, the house eerily quiet. Checking for my shield I felt around and realized that at some point my mind must have subconsciously wrapped me up protectively as it was doubled up around me, securely covering me.

As I approached the window at the end of the hall I heard voices coming from outside and I paused at the window, looking down out into the yard at the family who was gathered around a fire while they talked loudly about the situation.

"I still don't understand how Bella can be pregnant by Edward." Rosalie's voice was loud as she looked between Edward and Carlisle angrily.

"I don't know either Rosalie. Like I said, I've never heard of this happening before. But I've run and re-run the bloodwork and I'm positive that she is carrying Edward's child." Carlisle insisted with a sigh and Rosalie stood up, beginning to pace.

"What do you think it could be Carlisle?" Alice's voice was cautious and I wondered why she hadn't been able to see anything earlier.

"Again, I don't know. I would like to do some more research, see if this has happened before and what to expect." Carlisle's voice was patient but I could sense a hint of frustration coming from him at his own lack of answers.

"Edward, are you alright?" Esme asked him, placing her hand gently on his shoulder.

"This... this is impossible." he answered and I felt the corner of my mouth raise up in a slight smirk, finding his disbelief in the situation strangely human.

"I know Edward... but it's happened." Esme said and I watched as Rosalie stopped pacing to glare angrily at her brother.

"What if it... what if it's like us... what if it hurts her... kills her?" he asked slowly, his voice cracking as he said the words and I understood where he was coming from, that his belief that they were monsters was seeping into the current news.

"Edward... we don't know what it is yet, but we'll figure this out. And with Carlisle taking care of Bella, I'm sure that she will be fine." Esme continued to reassure him and I decided then to make my presence known, slightly annoyed that they were discussing this as though I wasn't there.

Carefully I peeled back the first layer of my shield, allowing them to be able to hear my heart-beat and I watched as at once all of their heads turned to look up at the window where I was still standing. I didn't wait for any of them to move or to speak before I turned and made my way down the stairs carefully, making sure not to trip and fall.

Edward met me at the bottom and took my hand in his, "How long were you standing there Bella?" he asked as we began to head towards the back door, Edward grabbing the blanket from the couch as we passed it.

"Long enough." I answered simply as we joined the rest of the family around the fire pit. Edward helped me wrap the blanket snugly around my body before I sat down on the log beside him, leaning into his shoulder.

"How are you feeling Bella?" Carlisle asked with concern in his voice a minute later, everyone turning their attention to me.

"Fine... a little tired... but like myself." I answered honestly and I saw Esme smile at me warmly from across the fire.

"Look... Before I came to the window and heard you all down here talking, I was in my room thinking about things... and I want you all to know that I've already decided that I want to have the baby." I spoke confidently and looked at Edward as I spoke the words, watched as his face turned to stone, his lips set in a straight line across his face.

"Bella... we don't know..."

"We know enough Edward." I said cutting him off, I wasn't going to let his own self-hatred destroy this miracle that had happened. "We know that I'm pregnant and it's yours and mine. The rest of it doesn't really matter. I already love the child and know in my heart that this is right." I said and saw him close his eyes at my words, his face falling sadly.

"If you are sure that you want to go through with the pregnancy Bella, I have a few things I'd like you to agree to." Carlisle spoke out and I turned to look at him.

"First, I'd like to give you weekly check-ups as we don't know what the baby is and what to expect from the pregnancy." I nodded my head for him to continue, I agreed with him on that. "Second, I want you to be with someone at all times just in case something does happen." Again I nodded my head in agreement. "Third, if your life becomes threatened I want your permission to end the pregnancy." This time I couldn't nod as I felt my throat become constricted. How could he expect me to agree to this, to agree to him taking the life of my child to save my own.

"No, I can't agree to that." I said and felt Edward's eyes snap open to look at me. But I didn't look back at him, instead continuing to stare down Carlisle.

"If for some reason my life is in danger later on I give my permission for you to do what you need to do to save my life – take the baby early, change me – but I do not give my permission for you to kill him or her to save me." I said and Carlisle nodded his head.

"For the next couple of days I'd also like to draw blood daily to see how your hormone levels are increasing." Carlisle said and I told him that was fine.

As we sat around the fire quietly talking about the pregnancy and about what it meant for our family I couldn't help but notice how quiet Edward had become and the longer we stayed outside, the more worried I became.

_Edward... are you alright? _I asked mentally, pushing the remainder of my shield away, wanting him to look at me, to tell me what was bothering him. He raised his eyes to meet mine and smiled a small tight smile that did nothing to help reassure me.

_Edward, are you angry at me? _I asked and he instantly shook his head no.

_Let's go inside and talk. _I said and we both stood up, saying goodnight to the family before heading back inside and up to our room.

"You're scaring me Edward. What's wrong?" I asked as soon as we were sitting on the bed, his arm curled around me.

"I'm sorry Bella. I'm just... I guess I'm just in shock still." he answered but I knew that wasn't all, there was something that he wasn't telling me.

"Is it this? Are you unhappy about this?" I asked him and took his hand, placing it across my stomach, holding it there, my own hand on top of his.

"Yes and no Bella." he said quietly after a minute and I was slightly surprised to get an honest answer out of him. "I'm only unhappy because I'm scared of losing you Bella, I'm terrified that it's something that could hurt you, could take you away from me again." he explained and I rested my head on his shoulder.

"But now that it's sank in a little bit... it's my child." he continued and I let him speak, knowing that he needed to sort this out the same way that I had needed to. "When I was still human, I was expecting a future with a wife and children... and then, then I woke up to this life and as the years passed I became convinced that I was too much a monster to ever be lucky enough to get either of those. And then I met you Bella and recently I realized that I was so lucky, so blessed to be able to have at least that. And now, I think about the tiny person that you're carrying and I wonder if it's a boy or a girl. I wonder if it has your beautiful eyes, your scent... but then I realize that it's mine... and I wonder... is it a monster? Will it crave blood? Will it be more human or more vampire, will it resemble an immortal child? And it scares me Bella because we don't know anything about it, we don't know what to expect." he finished with a sigh and I twisted around so that I was looking into his eyes.

"Edward I know, I'm scared of the same things that you are, but I also can't help but be excited that we've been given the chance to experience this. And I can't believe that this has happened only for it to turn out disastrous in the end, I have to believe that things will be okay, that this is a gift that we are supposed to accept, supposed to love." I said and I saw the twinkle come back to his eye, something that I had said making his mood shift slightly.

"We're having a baby?" he smiled as he said the words, a true genuine smile of happiness and I felt my body relax as he leaned down to kiss my lips softly, my hand wrapping around his neck and tugging on his hair gently.

After we finished our conversation I began to feel my body getting tired, the stress of the evening causing me to yawn widely. After tucking me under the blankets Edward began to hum the familiar tune of my lullaby and I drifted off to sleep with his arms around me, sweet dreams of a little girl filling the hours of sleep.

The next several days drifted by as news of the baby on the way caused an excitement to exist in the house. Every evening Carlisle took a vile of blood and checked my hormone levels, announcing on the third day that it had slightly more than doubled which he assured us was normal. By the second week he had finally stopped doing daily blood work and began his weekly checks to chart my development. He also dove into research on the topic, so far coming up empty, but never giving up as he felt that this had to have happened somewhere else before.

The fifth day following the news we celebrated my birthday with take out from the closest Italian Restaurant and movies, the family respecting my wish to keep my birthday this year as a quiet event.

As the days continued to pass, I spoke to everyone in the family about it aside from Rosalie, who Emmett assured me was happy for us, but slightly jealous and dealing with things in her own way. Esme was thrilled with it and was constantly trying to make sure that I was okay, that I was comfortable, taking care of me and smiling.

Alice and I had also seemed to grow closer in the following days although she was frequently frustrated by the fact that she couldn't see anything to do with either me or the baby now. Our friendship was almost returned to it's previous state and we spent hours together just talking and hanging out.

Three weeks had passed since we had discovered the news and I was still feeling good, a little tired, but overall good. Edward and I were close however he was still worried and rarely left my side, even to hunt, but he was nearly as excited about the baby as I was.

"Are you alright Love?" he asked one afternoon while we lounged in the living room, my head resting in his lap while we watched a movie.

"I'm fine... but... I don't know... could we maybe go out for a while? Get out of the house for a bit?" I asked him quietly, biting down nervously on my bottom lip to wait for an answer.

"Did you have anywhere specific in mind?" he asked after thinking about my words for a minute.

"Not really... but maybe something like... remember when I first came up here and we all went to that pub?" I asked and saw him smile down at me as Emmett bounded into the room.

"Can we all come?" he asked loudly, his body practically vibrating in excitement and I couldn't help but giggle at him. Emmett was so easy to make happy.

"Will Rose come?" I asked carefully just before she made her way into the room and wrapped her arms around Emmett's waist, effectively calming him down.

"Of course I'll come." she said with a smile, "I want to apologize though Bella, and I hope that you know that I'm not upset with you and Edward at all, I've just been having a difficult time with the news." she said and I smiled at her before standing up and making my way over to them, hugging Rosalie quickly to let her know that I understood.

"We're coming too!" Alice skipped into the room dragging Jasper who was rolling his eyes, behind her.

"Carlisle? Esme?" Edward asked in a slightly louder voice and I heard Esme's 'yes' float in from outside.

Almost immediately after Esme's confirmation Alice had whisked me up in her arms, carrying me upstairs to her room with Rosalie following behind us to get us ready. Fortunately she moved faster than she normally did when giving me a make-over, and less than an hour later we were all moving down the stairs to meet our partners at the door.

Edward and I rode to the pub with Carlisle and Esme in the Mercedes while the rest of the family rode in the Jeep.

As we drove by the front of the building I was reminded of how different it looked from the outside, wondering briefly if we were really at the right place. Carlisle parked around the corner from our destination and as we walked back I began to hear the sound of music floating out from the pub, the small restaurant surprisingly crowded as we entered.

"Like they had before, Emmett and Jasper moved quickly to the back of the restaurant, pulling two tables together for our family and like before everyone ordered drinks and I ordered my dinner before Emmett and Rosalie disappeared, making their way to the crowded dance floor where they showed off their moves, causing many of the couples to give up and return to their tables. All of us took turns during the next couple of hours, Edward and I even dancing to a couple of slow songs before my food arrived.

While I ate my salad I watched as Emmett and Jasper swapped partners, Emmett picking up Alice and swinging her around while Jasper twirled Rosalie gracefully around the floor. Suddenly Alice and Rosalie looked to each other and a second later the partners were switched again just as the music changed to a slow song. But the partners hadn't changed back to normal. Instead, Rosalie grabbed Alice and they quickly made their way off the dance floor and before Emmett and Jasper realized it, they had been pushed together, their faces full of surprise at the new partner in their hands. I began to giggle at the sight as they looked to each other and then around frantically for their wives.

"I'm just going to run to the washroom," I whispered in Edward's ear after I had finished eating, and I saw him nod in response, looking at me with concern.

"I'm fine... I just have to pee." I clarified with a giggle before standing from the table and making my way across the restaurant and down the hall towards the ladies room.

Once I had completed my business I left the washroom and turned to head back down the hall but was surprised when instead of moving as my feet wanted to I felt a set of stone arms grab me, one hand gripping my shoulder and the other covering my mouth, moving back down the hall and out through the kitchen so fast that I barely had time to process it before we were flying through the deserted down-town, moving towards a clustering of trees.

When I finally began to realize what was happening I turned my head around and felt my face go pale at the bright red hair that was whipping around like flames in the wind and I immediately felt around for the edges of my shield, pulling it down so it was no longer covering only my mind, but my entire body, doubling it and pulling it back up, pushing her hands away from my body as I did so.

The instant I forced her to let go of me I realized what I had done as I fell to the ground, rolling roughly through the mud and dirt, my body twisting and bending until it came to a sudden stop, crashing roughly into a tree.

"What the Hell was that?" Victoria hissed at me, reappearing in front of me so fast I instinctively buried my face in my hands, but I didn't feel her lash out at me like I expected her to and after a moment I looked up to see her staring directly into my eyes, her hands paused only an inch away from my skin, her face angry and confused.

I gasped as she suddenly moved away from me letting out a feral growl as she did so, and I blinked to see her again charging for me, her body slamming into my invisible shield and bouncing back, her face shocked at her inability to get to me.

Moving closer to me, once again she was peering into my eyes, her body hovering over mine, the sight of her so close terrifying me and I knew that I couldn't take her being that close. Concentrating, not knowing if it was going to work or not I flexed my shield out, pushing her back from me, keeping her out of my personal space while I waited silently for one of the family to come looking for me.

Suddenly Victoria's head snapped up away from mine, her snarling ceasing as she heard something in the distance and she looked back at me, her eyes showing her sudden fear. I watched for a moment as her eyes darted between me and the forest, debating on whether or not to run and in an instant she was gone.

"Bella!" I heard his voice before his figure appeared by my side, kneeling down as close to me as he could with my shield still up. A second later I felt the rush of air and caught a very brief glimpse of the rest of the family moving past me, most likely chasing after Victoria, Carlisle the only other one to stop at my side.

"I'm okay." I breathed out as I shifted painfully into a sitting position, reaching around me and pulling my shield in, untwisting it and unwrapping myself.

"What happened Love?" Edward asked and I shook my head, trying to sort out the evening's events for myself before explaining them to him.

"I went to the washroom... but when I came out, she was there." I began and heard the low growl begin in his throat.

"I... I didn't see her... she grabbed me by the shoulder and covered my mouth and then took off running out the back of the pub," I showed Carlisle the throbbing spot on my shoulder from where she had held me a little too tight, "by the time I realized what was happening, I looked up and knew who it was so I shielded myself. But I didn't think about the fact that she was running and when she dropped me I kind of tumbled around a bit before hitting the tree and stopping." Edward's face wore a look of pure rage as I told him what had happened.

"And then she left?" Carlisle asked as he continued to look me over, picking up my wrist and checking for tenderness.

"No... first she tried to attack me again but she couldn't, she kind of bounced back when she hit my shield." I explained and Carlisle couldn't control the small smile that crept onto his face, while Edward remained angry.

"How's your stomach Bella?" I cringed at the question, at the thought that I had forgotten momentarily that I was pregnant, that I hadn't thought of the possibility of something happening to the baby.

"Do you have any sore spots or cramping at all?" Carlisle pressed a minute later as my arms instinctively wound around my abdomen protectively, Edward moving to put his arms around me as I did so, looking at me with worry in his eyes.

"No... no... nothing... is it... will it be okay?" I squeaked out and Edward pressed me into his side as he also looked to Carlisle for an answer.

"At this stage, it's hard to say. A fall like the one you took can definitely cause a miscarriage, however there doesn't seem to be any blood, and if you aren't in any pain, it is unlikely." he said but I didn't feel any better. I wanted him to tell me that everything _was_ fine, not _probably _fine.

"Let's go back to the house Bella, when we get there we can try out the portable ultrasound machine that came in last week. I don't know how much we'll be able to see as it is still so early on but it's worth a shot." Carlisle spoke calmly and I nodded my head as Edward lifted me gently off the ground and into his arms, walking with me to the car, Carlisle following behind.

"What about the others?" I asked as Carlisle wound quickly through the streets of the town and out onto the highway.

"Rose, Alice and Esme are about a mile behind us in the Jeep and Jasper and Emmett will meet us back at the house, they're on foot." Edward told me and I pulled in tighter to his chest, not wanting to be separated from him right now.

"They couldn't find her?" I already knew the answer but asked the question anyways. I felt Edward shake his head no in answer and a chill traveled down my spine. She was out there somewhere and she wasn't going to give up... and now... now she knew about my shield.

**A/N: Okay so Victoria's still trying to get to Edward and Bella and now she's getting even more pissed off. Just a note on Bella being pregnant: it will be a slower pregnancy, not your three weeks and it's over negative experience but a longer, more humanish one. I hope you enjoy! And as always, thank you all for your kind reviews!**


	19. Visiting the Past

**_* _I do not own anything Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Rated M for Mature content.**

"_**They couldn't find her?" I already knew the answer but asked the question anyways. I felt Edward shake his head no in answer and a chill traveled down my spine. She was out there somewhere and she wasn't going to give up... and now... now she knew about my shield.**_

When we finally made it back to the house I was exhausted, but the worry I was feeling towards the tiny child that I was carrying gave me the energy to allow Carlisle to do a more thorough examination on me.

"I'm going to run your blood work first." he said as I sat on the leather couch in his office nervously.

Edward held my hand tightly as Carlisle went to work, drawing blood and then as I laid down and he pressed gently on my abdomen before taking out the new machine and getting it ready. Edward tried to reassure me that everything was going to be fine while we waited and I could feel Jasper's calming influence coming from somewhere down below but I was still terrified. Some how I had fallen in love with the child that none of us had ever thought was possible, that I had never wanted before I had found out I was pregnant.

"Are you ready Bella?" Carlisle asked finally, the machine set properly and the wand waiting in his hand. I squeezed Edward's hand tighter and nodded my head.

"I'm ready." I whispered and Carlisle pressed down low on my stomach, moving the wand for several minutes with a slight frown on his face. I was beginning to get worried when I saw the corner of his mouth turn up into a slight smile and I looked over to the screen, trying to see what he could see.

"Do you see that Edward?" Carlisle asked out loud and I scrunched up my eyes, trying to understand the shapes on the screen.

Before Edward answered Carlisle I felt him kiss the top of my head and I wondered instantly what was wrong.

"How is this even possible?" Edward asked and I felt my impatience rising again.

"I don't know, but you can see it here, son. It's amazing." Carlisle answered and I pushed myself up on my elbows, the wand slipping and the screen going fuzzy as I glared between the two men in the room.

"Alright Bella, lay down again and I'll show you what it is we see." Carlisle's voice held a hint of a smile as I continued to scowl at him but did as he said and laid back down.

"Esme, can you come in as well?" I asked suddenly wanting the extra support as Carlisle found the place with the wand and waited as his wife breezed into the room, coming to stand behind me, her hand resting on my shoulder comfortingly.

"So Bella... here is what Edward and I were looking at a moment ago." he paused and shifted so that he could point at the screen towards a small bean shaped object at the side of the black space. "That right there is a baby... it's measuring the 7 weeks pregnant that you are, looks good and healthy." he said with a smile and I felt my body relax in relief at the news that the baby was okay.

"But wait... if that's the baby... what is that... on the other side of the black... it's the same shape." I asked curiously as I continued to stare at the screen, my mind becoming confused.

"That Bella... is also a baby. There are two." he said simply and my mind began to work in overdrive at his words. Two. Two babies. I had two tiny little babies growing inside of me. Two of mine and Edward's babies.

"Are you okay, Love?" Edward asked a minute later when I had remained silent, stunned by the news.

"Two?" I squeaked out and saw Carlisle try and stifle his laugh at my reaction.

"Two. It's twins Bella." Edward said and moved so that he was looking at my face, trying to gage my reaction.

"We're having two?" I asked again, this time my mouth turning up into a small smile as I finally began to process it. As the happiness at the news crept in I couldn't control myself and I threw my arms around Edwards neck, holding onto him as I thought it over, repeating it in my head.

When I finally let go of Edward and laid back down I looked over to see Esme under Carlisle's arm, her smile brightening her entire face as they watched Edward and I.

"Do you mind if I get a few more measurements Bella?" Carlisle asked and I told him it was fine, wanting to see the two tiny little beings on the screen again, wanted to make it real again.

Carlisle took his time, looking at each baby and measuring them, printing out images that he paused as he went, creating a small collection for us.

When he was finished the exam, he and Esme excused themselves from the office while Edward helped me to stand, leading me directly upstairs to our bathroom where I could clean up from both the fall and the sticky gel that Carlisle had used.

"Stay Edward," I requested as he I turned on the tap for the shower, waiting for the water to warm up. Edward had begun to open the door, to leave and give me privacy, but I didn't want that today.

"Are you sure?" he asked warily, closing the door again and moving back towards me. I nodded, knowing that he was nervous about upsetting me or causing a flashback. He hadn't come into the washroom with me since the day I had completely lost it in the bath.

"I'm sure. I'm okay." I said and he smiled down at me, helping me out of my clothes as my stiff body protested doing the movements myself.

Once I was out of the filthy clothes and they had been discarded on the floor I grabbed Edward's hand, pulling him with me towards the shower, stepping in and feeling him follow me, his body shadowing mine.

As the steam encircled us, the hot water poured over our bodies, my mind finally caught up with me, the emotions from the day's ups and downs hitting me suddenly and I turned around in Edward's arms. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and buried my face in his chest, letting the tears come.

"I'm sorry." I sniffled out when the tears finally began to dry up.

"Do you want to talk?" he asked carefully, pulling back from me slightly and looking at me, his eyes filled with concern.

"I'm sorry." I sniffled again, "I'm just... overwhelmed." I paused and caught my breath, shifting under the water. "I just wasn't expecting... her... to be there tonight... and then I was worried about the baby... and then it turns out it's two babies... and it's... it's just overwhelming." My eyes were tearing up again as he wrapped me back up in his arms, his hands rubbing up and down my back.

"I need you." I said a minute later, my voice rough from crying.

Before he could ask what I meant, ask how I needed him; I was up on my toes, reaching my hand into his hair and pulling myself up to his lips, my legs wrapping around his waist as he quickly got the hint and pulled me in closer to him, tighter to his body. Edward shifted and entered me, giving me everything that I needed at that moment. The reassurance that he was there, that he still wanted me.

"I didn't hurt you, did I Bella?" we were in the bed after our shower, waiting for sleep to find me. I was curled up into Edward's side and I could feel his hand resting on my stomach, sitting on the place where the ultrasound wand had shown our children.

"No, not at all. That was... it was what I needed." I said looking up, seeing the worried expression on his face.

"You would tell me if I did... right?" he asked nervously and I wondered where this was coming from. Edward was never afraid, never insecure.

"Of course I would. But I know that you would never hurt me." I said softly, smiling at him to let him know that I meant it.

That night I drifted off to sleep in his arms, waking from nightmares repeatedly through the night as I would feel Victoria's hands on me, grabbing me, hurting me, dropping me. Every time I awoke though Edward was there to comfort me, to reassure me.

The next few days seemed to almost drag on as the family remained on high alert, waiting to see if Victoria was going to make another move and attack again. It was a week later that I started to notice small changes beginning to take place in my body: A tiny bump beginning to form in my lower abdomen, my breasts changing, becoming more tender, my appetite shifting, becoming more sensitive. But most of all I found that I was getting more tired by the day and I found myself feeling sluggish and exhausted by noon each day, wanting to go to bed early and sleep in late.

"Hey..." Edward woke me up one morning two weeks after Victoria's attack with a kiss and a smile.

"Hey..." I replied lazily, closing my eyes again.

"How are you feeling?" He asked me the same question every morning and usually I answered with a fine, but this morning I was feeling particularly bad and wanted to tell him.

"I'm so tired." I whispered, keeping my eyes shut. "I didn't sleep well," I added on and heard him hum in reply. "Every time I moved last night I felt like I was going to get sick." I explained and opened my eyes to see him looking at me worriedly.

"Carlisle asked if you want to do your checkup this morning instead of tonight?" Edward said a minute later and I nodded my head, knowing that it would be done at some point that day anyways. I took my time in the bathroom cleaning up and getting dressed. My body was still feeling deprived of energy and I was feeling more nauseous than I had been so far during the pregnancy.

When I finally made my way downstairs to Carlisle's office he was waiting for me with a smile, but it quickly fell when he saw how I was feeling. The exam was relatively quick, Carlisle measured my belly, took some more blood, and did a very quick ultrasound, showing the babies to be growing normally, their shapes slightly more identifiable than they had been during the first one.

"Edward?" I asked once we were settled on the couch downstairs, a movie playing in he DVD player and my mind wandering.

"Yes, Love?" he asked and shifted so that we were facing each other.

"I was wondering..." I paused and bit my lip, not sure if I should continue my request or not.

"What is it?" he prompted after a moment and I looked down at my hands, fidgeting for a second before blurting it out,

"I was wondering... if I could visit Charlie." The room was silent and I closed my eyes, wishing I could take back the words, knowing that it wasn't possible. I had already said good-bye to my father and I knew what I had given up when I had made the choice to stay here with the Cullens.

"When do you want to go?" he broke the silence after a few minutes and my head snapped up to look at him in shock.

"But I thought... I thought I couldn't..." I stuttered, mentally smacking myself for how stupid I sounded right now.

"I know Bella... but Charlie's your father and he already knows about us. So I think it's safe to visit him for a day or two." Edward said and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I could visit Charlie, I could see him again.

"Can we go soon?" I asked quietly, unsure of whether this was really happening or if I was dreaming.

"What about the day after tomorrow?" he asked and I smiled at him, wrapping my arms around him in a hug.

"Bella," Carlisle came into the room a minute later and sat in the chair across from us.

"Your blood work came back with a couple of things that I'm a little worried about." he said and my happiness instantly faded, worry creeping into my heart at what he was going to tell me.

"It's nothing too bad, but you are anemic, your iron levels extremely low. I want to start you on an iron supplement right away and I'm also going to give you a B12 injection to help your body use the iron efficiently." he said and then paused and I knew that there was more coming.

"Is that why I'm so tired?" I asked and he said a quiet yes before continuing. "The other thing I'm concerned about is your white blood cell count. It's a little bit higher than what is normal, which most likely indicates an infection of some sort." he explained and I felt the disappointment hit me.

"What kind of infection?" I asked and he sighed,

"I'm not entirely sure, it could be nothing at all, but I want to re-run the blood work in a few days to make sure that the count has dropped back down again." he said and I looked at Edward, wondering if this would change our plans to visit Charlie.

"We're going to visit Charlie in two days," I knew that Carlisle had heard this but Edward repeated it anyways. "Can you re-run the blood work before we leave?" he asked and then I saw his lips moving a little quicker, communicating with his father in a tone that I couldn't hear.

"Alright, I'm going to pick up the iron and B12 today and you can start taking them tonight, then before you leave I'll re-run the blood work." he agreed, looking at me as I glared at them, knowing that they were having their own secret conversation right there beside me at the same time.

That night as he said he would, Carlisle came into my room with the iron supplements, telling me that I needed to take them three times a day, leaving them on the night stand beside me. After explaining them he gave the B12 injection to Edward to give to me and I tried to feel okay about it, knowing that it was going to help me, it was what my body needed.

Two days later Edward and I left for Forks, taking Carlisle's car and driving quickly down the highway. My white blood cell count had still been high when Carlisle redid the blood work but I was feeling fine, still tired but nothing more than that so we decided to continue with our plans, telling them we wouldn't be gone for more than a few days.

"Bella wait." Edward had pulled into Charlie's driveway later that evening but his face was frozen as his eyes looked around the yard, his head cocked to one side, listening for something.

"We can't go in there right now." he said and I shook my head angrily. We had been in the car all day, traveling at insanely dangerous speeds down from Alaska and now we were here and I wanted to see my father.

"Edward, I'm going to see my father." I said sternly and I looked over to see Edward glaring at something that I couldn't see, a low growl escaping his throat at whatever it was.

"There's a werewolf inside your father's house Bella. One of the wolves from La Push... it's too dangerous." he said seriously as the door to my dad's house flew open and a man walked out onto the porch, his figure shadowed but somehow familiar.

Seconds later I saw a smaller man push out the door from behind the first and I felt my heart leap as I recognized my father, even standing in shadows I knew it was him, and I undid my seat belt, reaching for the door handle.

"Don't Bella." Edward warned and I watched as the man on the porch grabbed Charlie by the arm, stopping him from coming any closer to the car that we were still sitting in.

"How many wolves are there?" I asked as I looked at Edward, knowing that he could tell by the scents, by their minds.

"Just the one... some boy named Jacob." I felt my heart speed up at this news. Jacob was Billy's son. We had played together as small children and we had spent a bit of time together during my depression, Charlie attempting to set us up to take my mind off of Edward.

"He won't hurt me Edward, but let me go see my dad, if there's only one then I know that you can protect me." I said pleadingly before I again reached for the door and pushed it open, Edward meeting me at my side of the vehicle before I could get out, wrapping his arm around me and pulling me into his side before we began moving slowly towards the house.

"Bella?" I heard Charlie call and push away the man holding his arm as he began to move forward, meeting me halfway to the house.

In a way, our reunion reminded me of one that you would see in a movie, where the two people run towards each other and embrace halfway... but it only remained that way for a minute while he processed the fact that I was really back, that I was there with him and I began to cry, grateful for the chance to actually see him again, one last time. In the next instant he was holding me back at arms length, inspecting me, looking for changes physically present in my body, wondering why I had come back, wondering if Edward had hurt me.

"You're still... you're still you?" he questioned after a minute, seeing the lack of change within my appearance and I sniffled roughly as I nodded my head in the affirmative.

"I'm still me dad... I just... I wanted to see you again before..." my statement was cut off by a low growl and I watched as the man on the porch bounded towards us quickly, Edward pulling me behind his body protectively while I watched and saw that it was really a boy, but not just any boy... Jacob Black... standing beside Charlie, glaring angrily at us.

"Jacob. Back off." Charlie barked angrily and I watched from behind Edward as Jacob's growling ceased and he continued to eye us down.

"She smells like you." he ground out after a minute pointing to Edward while Charlie once again looked to me.

"She lives with us, of course she smells like one of us." he offered and Jacob shook his head, Charlie still watching me warily.

"No... it's more than that. Her scent is changed, different... more like you." he continued to argue and I thought instantly of the two little lives inside of me... could that be causing the change in my scent?

"It's none of your concern." Edward was losing his patience with this conversation and I placed my hand gently on his arm, trying to calm him down.

"I'm really tired dad... can we go inside and sit down?" I asked him and he took a second to answer me, moving around Edward and putting his arm around my shoulder, leading me into the house.

I began to move with my dad, making my way to the house and I felt Edward move to follow us, leaving Jacob out on the lawn alone.

"I'm glad to see you Bells," Charlie said once we were seated in the small living room, myself and Edward sitting together on the small sofa, Charlie in his usual recliner.

"I missed you dad," I said in reply and felt Edward stand to leave the room, to give us the illusion of privacy.

The room was silent for a moment and I was reminded of all the times that Charlie and I had been alone in this room, silent conversations passing between us in the awkwardness. Then there was he memory of what it was like after Edward, when the silence disappeared and Charlie and I grew close, finally saying after so many years the things that we needed to say to each other.

"Dad... I'm really sorry." I blurted out suddenly, wanting him to know, to understand that I didn't want to leave him, but I felt that I had no choice.

"I know Bells," he said with a sigh, his hands rubbing absently up and down the arm rests of the chair, wearing the material even thinner than it already was. "I can see the difference. Even now, with you here, you look different... you look... complete." he said and I was in awe at how much Charlie could pick up in his quiet observations.

Over the next several hours Charlie and I had the chance to talk openly. Him asking me questions about my life with Edward, about my happiness, about what had really happened at the hospital and about what had happened when I had first returned to Alaska with the Cullens. For the most part I was able to be honest with him and that was something that made me feel better. Knowing that I didn't have to hide things from my father, no more secrets.

"You're still not telling me something though Bella." he said and I sighed, knowing that his mind had probably already put the pieces together, identified the one secret that I was keeping.

"What is it Dad, what am I not telling you?" I asked him and Edward floated back into the room, taking my hand and sitting beside me for this part of the conversation. Probably hearing something in his head that alerted him to what Charlie was thinking.

"I'm not sure if it's what I'm thinking..." he paused and closed his eyes for a minute while I waited patiently to find out if he knew, if he had been able to guess. "are you expecting Bella?" he kept his eyes closed and I looked to Edward, wondering if we should be telling this much. On the way down we had both decided that it would be better for him not to know, but he was picking this up on his own and now I felt like I owed him at least the truth.

"Yes Charlie. Bella's pregnant." Edward answered him for me and the room stayed silent, the air thick and uncomfortable.

I was about to ask my dad if he was alright when he finally spoke up, "Who's the father?" Charlie's eyes had opened up and were boring into my own, a spark of anger at what I knew he was thinking.

"Edward is." I said simply and I watched as the wheels started to turn in his head, his knowledge of what the Cullens were, fighting with the truth that I had just shared with him.

"We didn't know it was possible either, Sir," Edward said a minute later, answering the questions that were no doubt rolling around in Charlie's head. "We had absolutely no knowledge that this was possible until Bella began to show the symptoms and the tests came back positive." Edward continued to explain and Charlie looked back to me, his eyes looking me over and coming to rest on my belly where my hand was now resting.

"Is it dangerous for you?" I rolled my eye at his question, remembering Edward's first reaction to news of the pregnancy and how worried for me he had also been.

"No dad." I shook my head and smiled at him but he looked past me to Edward and I groaned audibly at the fact that they were already thinking the same way.

"The pregnancy doesn't seem to be dangerous from what we can tell Charlie. Bella has developed an iron deficiency but that is common. And their growth seems normal, her symptoms are normal..." he paused and I watched as Charlie took in his words, his expression thoughtful. "My father has been insistent on weekly check-ups since we found out and we are all making sure that Bella is well taken care of and resting." I was grateful for the way that Edward was explaining this to Charlie, for his confidence and the love that I felt as he spoke and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me into his side.

"So what are your plans then Bells?" Charlie's question threw me off and I blinked rapidly as I tried to understand his question. "Are you just back here this one time? Do you still plan on becoming like him? Now that I know... will I ever see you again... talk to you again? Will I get to meet the little one?" He fired the questions at me one after the other and I felt my eyes begin to sting as they filled with tears, his words edged with a hint of anger.

"Charlie, Bella just wanted to come down to see you because she missed you,"

I cut Edward off and continued his sentence, "Dad, I want you in my life... either through phone calls or through the occasional visit. I won't make any promises right now because I do still plan on changing, on becoming like Edward eventually, but for now, yes you'll get to meet the babies, you'll see us again, talk to us again." I tried to reassure him and saw his eyes flicker as I spoke.

"Babies?" his voice cracked and his face paled slightly.

"Um yeah... I probably should have mentioned that we're having twins."

The rest of the evening went much smoother, Charlie's hard looks softening as he realized that I had meant what I said about keeping him as much a part of our lives as we could. While we continued to talk, again him asking me questions and I him, Edward made us supper, bringing it in when my stomach began to rumble and taking it out again when my nose rejected the smell.

When I began to yawn uncontrollably I told Edward and my dad that I was going up to get ready for bed and slowly climbed the stairs, moving down the hall and towards my old room automatically.

But when I arrived at my destination and opened the door I couldn't stop the loud gasp of shock that escaped my lips at what I saw. In an instant Edward was by my side as I tiptoed over the threshold and into the room, my eyes wandering over everything, left almost exactly the same way as it had been the last time I'd been there.

"Bella don't... maybe we should..." I held my hand up to stop him as I moved towards the little table by my bed and pressed the button on the front of my small stereo, my lullaby filling the room as I continued to investigate.

Apparently Charlie hadn't done much after I had been taken to the hospital, the quilt had been roughly pulled up, making the bed up in a messy fashion, but when I reached underneath the mattress I easily found the smooth metal object. Pulling my hand out I showed it to Edward who pulled it into his own hand before I continued to look around, opening up drawers and clearing off the desk, handing him the many objects that I had kept hidden during my depression.

"We don't have to stay here..."

"No, I'm tired, I need to lay down for a while. I'm okay." I assured Edward before turning around and leaving the room, taking my small bag with me to the bathroom.

By the time I returned, Edward had tidied up the room, moving several things around and changing the sheets on the bed, making the room appear as though it was an entirely different space than the one that I had left before.

I hurried over to the bed and climbed in beside my mate, his arms circling around me and holding me securely.

When I woke up the next morning I was surprised when I rolled over and didn't find Edward's stone body waiting to hold me and opened my eyes, glancing around the room, looking for him. He wasn't anywhere in sight and I slowly made my way out of the bed and downstairs to where I could hear him speaking to Charlie.

When I reached the kitchen, I stayed just outside the door and leaned on the door frame, listening to them for a minute.

Charlie's tone was concerned as I listened to him tell Edward about the months that he had been gone, about my initial catatonic condition, about the many days that followed and the work it took for me to begin to heal, and about how he had begun to doubt that I would ever fully recover. Charlie didn't leave out any details in his descriptions of my behavior, going into extreme detail when it came to the morning that he had found me in my room, half dead from the pills that I had taken.

"Now that I know a little bit more about you and your family – about what you are – I think I understand why you felt that you needed to leave her. But the way that you did it, the things that you said... you destroyed her Edward." Charlie's voice got slightly louder and I watched as Edward hung his head in shame.

"Charlie. I don't have any excuses for my behavior when we left. It was absolutely deplorable the way that I treated Bella and I want to assure you that I will never, ever treat her that way again and I will spend every second of the rest of my life trying to make it up to her." Edward looked past Charlie and I could see the sadness and regret in his eyes, knowing that he was really telling this to me.

"I don't know how, and I don't know why, but some higher power has given you two the miracle of being parents. And I'm warning you know Edward, if you ever hurt her or the children..."

"I won't ever hurt her again Charlie... and the children... I never thought that I would be a father, it's thought to be something that is impossible for our kind. But it was always something that I would have given anything to be, there is no way that I could ever hurt any of them." Again he looked to me and I rubbed my belly slightly as I smiled at him, glad that he wanted this as much as I did.

The kitchen had turned silent and I saw Charlie stand and move towards the coffee pot, pouring himself a large mug full.

I pushed off the wall intending to join the men in the kitchen but as I did so felt suddenly nauseated, a strange dizziness setting in and causing me to lose my balance and stumble forward, my feet tripping over each other.

"Bella?" Edward's cold hands grabbed me before I could hit the floor and I felt him carry me over to the sofa where he laid me down, kneeling on the floor next to me and grabbing my wrist to feel my pulse.

"Sorry... I just felt so dizzy all of a sudden." I tried to explain while I took slow deep breaths and looked into his worried eyes.

"Are you okay Bells? What happened?" Charlie joined us in the living room and repeated what I had said to Edward as he came and knelt down next to him, looking at me with the same worried expression.

"You didn't eat very much yesterday Bella, let me make you some breakfast while you stay here and rest." Edward kissed my forehead and stood up, Charlie still eying me warily.

"I'm not hungry... I feel too nauseous." I said and Edward paused the step he had already taken towards the kitchen, turning and looking at me.

"You hardly ate anything yesterday Bella, you need to eat something, for them." he looked pointedly at my belly and I sighed, nodding my head.

Charlie shifted himself and I watched in awe as he sat cross-legged on the floor beside the couch, his expression still worried.

"I'm fine dad. Just a little dizzy." I tried to reassure him but I could tell from the lack of change in his expression that he didn't buy it.

"You need to take care of yourself Bells," he said pointedly and I sighed, knowing that he was right.

It only took few minutes for Edward to bring out a small tray of food and set it on the coffee table in front of me. After helping me to sit up he gently nudged my shoulder, silently telling me to eat something. Knowing that I wasn't feeling well he had brought me a variety of simple foods to choose from and I selected a single piece of plain toast to start with, only taking a single bite of it before my stomach lurched in protest and I felt it coming back up.

Of course Edward managed to get a garbage can to my lips just in time and I wiped my mouth on a napkin when I was finished, pushing away the tray of food and closing my eyes.

When I opened them again, Charlie was taking the tray back to the kitchen and Edward had his phone out, reading something on the screen.

"Carlisle really wants us to come back so that he can keep an eye on you Bella." Edward told me and I rolled my eyes.

"I want to stay one more day, we'll head back up tomorrow morning." I tried to say it firmly but my voice was weaker than I had hoped it would be. Edward sighed and ran his fingers through his hair as he thought over my words.

"Damn it." he cursed a minute later and I looked at him as he jumped up and moved to the window, looking outside.

"Charlie, you have visitors coming from the reservation." he said as Charlie came back into the room and I shifted, hoping to see something out the window.

"Yeah, Sue said she was coming by this morning." Charlie said. "You remember Sue Clearwater... right Bells? Harry's wife?" he asked and I nodded my head. "We've uh... we've sort of been seeing each other." his face was as red as a tomato and I felt my mouth drop open. My dad was seeing someone? When did this happen?

"Who's the young girl with her?" Edward asked and Charlie moved to stand by the window with him.

"That's Sue's son Seth's girlfriend." he paused and looked towards me. "You might know her Bells, her name is Keira... she's one of the girls that helped me shut down that sorry excuse for a hospital." My jaw nearly hit the floor as my memories of the girl flooded back to me. Keira was here? I had thought about her many times after Alice had saved me from the hospital, wondered if she had been abused the way that I had. And then when Edward had first told me the legend of the Quileutes I had thought of her, suffering in a hospital because she had been exposed to this mythical world.

"We should stay out of sight." Edward looked at me and I looked at Charlie.

"How much do they know?" I asked and heard the gentle tapping at the door, a key turning in the lock.

"Sue knows everything. Both of her children – Seth and Leah – phased, they're both wolves and Sue is one of the tribal elders. Keira also knows everything because of her attachment to Seth." Charlie said and Edward moved to my side as the two women walked inside, turning and seeing us all gathered in the living room.

**A/N: So we have twins, a visit with Charlie, Bella's super tired and now starting to get very sick. I know twins? Well the question is... two hybrid children... will she be able to carry them both to term? Will her human body be strong enough? And what about Victoria... where is she hiding now that she knows about Bella's shield. **


	20. Early Weakenings

**_* _I do not own anything Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Rated M for Mature content.**

"_**Sue knows everything. Both of her children – Seth and Leah – phased, they're both wolves and Sue is one of the tribal elders. Keira also knows everything because of her attachment to Seth." Charlie said and Edward moved to my side as the two women walked inside, turning and seeing us all gathered in the living room. **_

The shock on my face must have been evident when I first saw Keira come into the room because Edward was once again kneeling in front of me, asking me to talk to him.

"What's he doing here Charlie?" I heard Sue ask and I turned my face towards her, the shock quickly changing to anger as I glared in her direction.

"Edward brought Bella here to visit with me." Charlie looked uncomfortable in his position between us, his head moving to look first at Edward and I and then back to Sue and Keira.

"He's one of them Charlie, he's dangerous." Sue's voice was low and menacing and I was about to speak up when Charlie did it for me.

"He's no more dangerous to me than Seth or Leah are Sue, he's brought Bella to visit and that's that." he stood firm and I felt the anger shift into guilt. I didn't want my dad to be fighting with someone who obviously had brought him happiness in the time that I had been gone.

"That's different Charlie and you know it is." Sue glared past Charlie and to Edward, shooting daggers in his direction.

"Enough. Bella and Edward are visiting with me and if you don't like it, you are welcome to leave." Charlie's tone didn't leave any room for arguing and Sue pursed her lips, thinking over the options.

"As long as he stays away from us." she conceded a minute later and then moved towards the kitchen, Charlie following her after a minute.

"Hey Bella," Keira's voice was quiet, her weight shifting from foot to foot as she stood awkwardly in the doorway.

I smiled at her but didn't really know what to say, the air between us thick with tension as she eyed Edward curiously in her peripheral vision. From the kitchen I could hear my dad and Sue arguing again over Edward's being here and I tried to tune it out.

"Do you want to sit down?" I motioned to the chair across from where I was sitting and Keira hesitated before coming further into the room and standing instead by the window.

"Um... well... this is Edward... he's um... ah... well, he's a mythical creature..." I caught a hint of a smile attempting to find it's way across her face at my words, at the memory of our conversations in the hospital.

"Yeah, apparently my boyfriend's a mythical creature as well..." she laughed nervously and I continued to smile warmly at her.

A minute later Edward had let me know that he was going upstairs to call Carlisle and I saw Keira visibly relax once he had left the room. At first our conversation was quiet and consisted of small talk until I got her to open up a little bit. I tried to control my tears when she told me about her time in the hospital, that was much the same as my own. When she told me about my father coming in and helping all of the patients that were being abused and then bringing Keira back to Forks my heart swelled with pride and happiness at the fact that the hospital was no longer hurting people.

Keira had only been back in Forks for a few days when Sue had come over to see Charlie and had brought her kids along and Seth and Keira had apparently hit it off almost instantly. She explained it as a tie that almost bound them together, the thought of her ever separating from Seth too painful to even think about. She was surprised when I told her how similar mine and Edward's relationship was to that, about the pain that I had been in that had been one of the initial reasons why I had ended up in the hospital in the first place.

"But Bella... aren't you afraid that one day he'll hurt you with his strength? I mean... he could kill you by accident just by hugging you..." she asked and I rolled my eyes. I didn't understand how she could be so critical of Edward but so blind to the danger in her own life.

"So could Seth. Yes he's strong and able to hurt me but he never would, he never could." I said and she sat back, thinking about it.

"I guess..."

"Bella..." Edward's voice interrupted as he appeared at my side, startling both Keira and myself.

"What's wrong Edward?" his face was panicked as he begged me silently for something that I didn't yet understand.

"Can we please get out of here?" he asked and then I heard the low rumble of a truck pulling quickly into our driveway.

"What? Why?" I asked confused.

He didn't answer before the front door was slammed open and three hulking figures stormed into the room, Edward reacting instantly, moving me to the far side of the room against the wall while he stood protectively in front of me.

"Keira, get out of here." The one in front ordered and I watched as she hung her head and turned to leave the room without a word, the anger I felt at her betrayal swelling up inside of me. The boys were standing directly in front of Edward now and I could see them all vibrating, their faces each wearing a look of rage.

"What' the Hell is going on in here?" Charlie stormed into the room and took in the sight in front of him as Edward and the three remained in a stare-down.

"Charlie, you'd better let us deal with this Leech." the one in front said and I heard a growl escape from Edward at the term, but he still didn't budge.

"Oh, cut the shit Sam." I'm sure my mouth fell open at Charlie's statement but I couldn't quite be sure as I watched the three all turn briefly to look at my dad.

"I get that you all think that Edward is dangerous to us because of what he is, but neither him nor the Cullen's have ever hurt anyone in this town, and to be honest, I think Dr. Cullen helped far more people than any other doctor would have been able to. I've invited him and Bella into my home to visit with me and if you can't treat them with respect than you'd all better get out of here right now." His tone was firm and angry and I was silently cheering him on, his speech unexpected but awesome.

I could feel myself getting dizzy as I stood there, the three boys still glaring at Edward and I. Their shaking had subsided but they still wore looks of absolute hatred on their faces.

"Edward," I whispered and placed a hand on his arm as the dizziness began to get stronger.

"What did you do to her bloodsucker?" one of the boys asked and I could practically feel Charlie becoming more and more angry. "She stinks like you." another one added on.

"Edward," I said a little more forcefully just before the room began to start spinning.

"Bella!" Charlie's voice yelled and finally Edward turned around, catching me just before I fell.

"Bella? Are you alright?" I could hear Edward's voice as my senses started to return to me and I groaned as I opened my eyes, the familiar sick feeling in my stomach causing me to have to move almost immediately, the bile rising up and out of my throat and into a bucket that appeared.

"What do you think is causing her to get sick like this Edward, is it the pregnancy?" my dad asked and I heard a sharp gasp from somewhere in the room.

"She's pregnant?" A deep voice sounded and I groaned. I definitely had not wanted the wolves to find out about the pregnancy, and I was wondering why they were still here anyways.

"I don't know. I think the best thing that we can do right now is return to our house so that my father can keep an eye on her." Edward ignored the men who were now loudly discussing my situation and continued to speak to Charlie. "I don't think this dizziness is normal,"

"No, you're right it doesn't seem right. And in the short time you've been here she's changed, she looks like she's really sick." Charlie said and I felt my stomach lurch again, heaving more bile into the garbage can.

"We can't allow Bella to continue with this pregnancy." I was still heaving bits of bile as the voice spoke over everything that Charlie and Edward were saying.

"Get out of my house Sam." Charlie spoke up as I leaned back against the couch and closed my eyes, trying to gain control of the dizzy feeling.

"No Charlie. Whatever it is that she's carrying... it isn't human, it's an abomination that won't be able to control it's thirst. It needs to be destroyed."

By now Edward was growling loudly, no longer trying to suppress it and I could feel my own rage at the filth that they were spewing from their mouths. They had no idea what they were talking about. How dare they come into my father's home and start demanding things that were none of their business.

"Sam. Out. Now." Charlie's voice was more menacing than I'd ever heard it and when I looked over I saw that Charlie had at some point grabbed his gun and was pointing it at the leader of the wolves. After a pause and continued growling on Edward's part they turned and were gone from the room, their truck starting and wheels squealing as they tore down the road.

"Carlisle." Edward's phone was to his ear the second that they left. "We have a problem."

When Edward finished explaining the situation to Carlisle it was decided that Edward wasn't to travel alone with me to return to Alaska. The wolves were standing guard around the house and preparing to attack should Edward and I attempt to leave on our own. Instead the entire family was coming back to Forks and we were all going to return to Alaska together.

I was still experiencing the worrisome dizziness and my stomach was constantly trying to expel something from inside, even though there was no longer anything left to expel. I stayed on the couch as my energy levels plummeted, my body beginning to feel as though it had been hit by a truck.

"Try and drink this again," Edward brought the cup of water to my lips after another heaving spell and I drank slowly, my throat aching as the cool liquid slid down. By the time that he placed the cup back down on the table I was once again twisting from my spot on the couch, my stomach protesting the water and expelling it from my body.

"Alice? Where are you?" Edward's phone was again at his ear when I laid back down and closed my eyes, Edward's free hand brushing the hair off my forehead.

"Bella's gotten a lot worse..."

"I know."

"Alright."

Finally his phone slammed closed and he tossed it on the table before turning back to Charlie. "The others should be here within the next two hours." he said and I grabbed his hand, trying to silently assure him that I was alright.

I must have fallen asleep shortly after Edward's phone call, and when the doorbell rang I bolted upright, the sound startling me.

"It's okay Bella, it's just the family arriving." Edward moved so that he was now on the couch with me, pulling me into his lap, his hand resting across my tiny belly, my head resting against his shoulder. As we listened to Charlie greet the family in the entrance, Alice must have somehow snuck by and was suddenly in front of me, her face filled with guilt.

"I'm so sorry Bella! I didn't see anything at all the entire time you were here." she apologized and reached over awkwardly to hug me.

"Alice... don't. We're fine and you can't hold yourself responsible for seeing every little thing. We already knew that you couldn't see me so it's not surprising that you couldn't see any of what happened while I've been here." I whispered quietly and she bounced back onto her heels, her face changing to one of worry.

"How are you feeling?" she asked as the rest of the family came into the room, Carlisle coming closer than the rest, sitting on the coffee table to wait for my answer.

"Better I think." I said looking up at Edward. "The room isn't spinning any more, but I'm still really tired." I explained quietly, glad that my stomach was no longer lurching. The tiny living room was crowded as everyone stood silently surrounding us.

Carlisle had brought a number of supplies with him and went to work immediately taking blood from my arm, measuring my stomach and using the portable doppler to listen to the two fast but strong heartbeats. By the time he was finished, Edward had filled the rest of the family in on the confrontation with the wolves and Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper had moved outside to watch the perimeter of the house.

"Here Charlie." Esme walked into the room and handed Charlie a plateful of food. "Edward told me you haven't eaten since breakfast. I hope that the eggs are alright." she smiled at him warmly and I think at the same time managed to win over Charlie's stomach with her platter.

_Those smell really good. _I thought to myself and Edward turned to look at me. I had forgotten that I had removed my shield so that I could speak to him quietly without the others overhearing my thoughts.

"Do you want to try and eat something again?" he asked and I bit my lip softly, thinking about my earlier experience with simple toast. But the smell of the eggs wafting towards me was tempting and I nodded my head yes.

_Eggs? _I asked Edward silently and I saw his lips quickly move, no sound audible to my ears coming through. However less than a minute later Esme was standing in front of me, a small plate in her hands as she waited nervously.

"Thank you Esme." I murmured softly and took the plate from her, prodding the food carefully with the fork before taking a tiny bite into my mouth. Making sure that I chewed the eggs thoroughly I swallowed the mouthful and waited for the now familiar sick feeling, surprised when it didn't appear. Carefully I took another mouthful and again swallowed with no negative reaction from my stomach appearing.

Smiling at Edward I took several more small bites and sat back, happy that I had been able to keep down the food so far.

"See, I'm okay." I said and he seemed to visibly relax in his chair a little bit.

Once Carlisle and Edward were confident that I was feeling much better, the conversation took a turn back to the problem with the wolves. Carlisle wanted to go out and meet Sam, who he assumed was the pack's 'alpha', or leader. Edward however, wanted to simply leave the area as soon as possible. But I couldn't do that.

"I think that we should try and work it out with the wolves." I interrupted them, my voice still quiet but firm. "We haven't done anything wrong. We haven't violated the treaty... I won't even be anywhere in the area when it's time to give birth." I explained my point of view, not wanting to cause a war because of my own selfish desire to be intimate with my mate.

Finally it was decided that the majority of the vampires would go out and attempt to make peace with the Quileutes, leaving only Alice and Esme at the house with Charlie and I. Everything happened quickly after that, Jasper giving brief instructions and all of them following Carlisle out to the kitchen and out the back door.

"Anything Alice?" I asked for not the first time that night. It was light and I was yawning constantly, but I couldn't fall asleep yet. They had already been gone for over an hour and I was starting to get antsy, a nervous ball forming in the pit of my stomach.

"No, I don't think I can see the wolves." she was also frustrated because she couldn't see what was going on, only catching slight glimpses here and there.

"What if something happened?" I spoke my worries out loud and Charlie gave me a look that clearly said not to worry, but I couldn't not worry.

After another hour had passed I was frantic with worry and both Esme and Alice seemed to be sharing in my frustration, we all knew that they should have been back by now.

"Bella, you should try and get some sleep. You look like you're going to pass out any second." Esme scolded lightly but I knew she wouldn't force it, she was just as worried about Carlisle as I was for Edward.

"Alice?" I asked into the third hour and she simply shook her head no. Charlie had passed out just past the second hour and was snoring lightly in the recliner across the room.

Picking up the glass of water from beside me I took a long slow sip, my throat becoming strangely dry as we all sat waiting for out partners. But once again as soon as the water hit my stomach it protested against it, coming immediately back up, the entire dinner that I had eaten following right after.

"I'm sorry." I apologized to Esme who had been able to get the garbage can to me just in time.

"Bella..." I knew she was about to scold me, tell me I needed to rest but another round of vomiting cut off her warning.

When I was finally finished I leaned back against Alice's hard shoulder and closed my eyes, trying to ward off the dizziness that I could feel creeping back up. I couldn't stop it though and soon the pattern continued – vomit, close eyes, vomit, close eyes, vomit, close eyes.

"Bella?" I didn't hear the door open or any warning that he was back aside from the smooth velvet of his voice, the worry obvious as he breezed into the room.

"Hey," I whispered as he placed one cold hand on my forehead gaging my temperature and the other on my wrist, checking my pulse.

"How long has she been like this?" He turned and looked at Esme who quickly told him that it had been nearly two hours since I had first gotten sick and I seemed to be getting worse.

"Where were you?" I could see the silent communication happening between Carlisle and Edward and knew that it concerned me so I changed the subject, wanting to know what had happened and why they had been gone most of the night.

"We met with Sam and the others. We managed to work out an agreement. They will not attack us as long as we don't bring the children to Forks." he answered but I knew he was hiding something.

"What else happened?" I pressed and saw Emmett fidgeting, eager to just spit out whatever had happened.

"Victoria tried to get around us while we were meeting with the wolves. She must have followed us back here and when she overheard us in the clearing was going to take it as an opportunity to get to you." Edward told me and I began to get angry. I was beyond sick of that woman.

"And..."

"And she got away again. Even with the wolves working with us she still managed to evade us. It's as though it's her talent... a talent of evasion." In my frustration I raised my hands to my face and let out a small growl.

"Easy tiger." Jasper chuckled at my reaction and I shot him a deadly glare before twisting and heaving into the garbage can again.

"The good news is she's short an arm..." Wait. Where had that come from? I turned and looked at Emmett curiously, his grin making me feel slightly better even through the constant dizziness and nausea.

"I almost had her, grabbed her arm and pulled it right off. So now she's short an arm." he smiled proudly and Rosalie wrapped her arms around him in a show of pride.

"Next time she shows up we get the rest of her." he vowed, his face suddenly serious.

"Alright Em, easy boy." I giggled slightly before yawning.

"Come on Bella, let's get you up to bed." Edward carried me upstairs and tucked me under the blankets securely, laying down on top of them and pulling me to his chest. I knew that there was still more to the evening's events but for now I was just satisfied that they were all here safe, that the treaty issues had been sort of worked out and that Victoria was at least crippled. Maybe she would finally give up.

The next morning I slept late and when I finally managed to pull myself out of bed, I still felt lousy. I had tried to convince Charlie to come with us but he was stubborn in his refusal and after a promise from the wolves to keep an eye on him until the threat of Victoria was eliminated, we finally stopped trying to convince him. After a tearful goodbye and a promise that I would come back to visit Charlie soon, we left and began the trek back to Alaska, to my home.


	21. Handprint

**_* _I do not own anything Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Rated M for Mature content.**

_**After a tearful goodbye and a promise that I would come back to visit Charlie soon, we left and began the trek back to Alaska, to my home.**_

"Edward?" I squeaked out as I awoke from my nap.

We were still in the car headed back to our house in Alaska, having just passed the border back into the State and I had awoken suddenly, the pain rippling across my stomach causing me to wince and fight back tears.

"What is it Bella?" Edward pulled the car over to the side of the road immediately, his face etched with concern.

"My stomach. It hurts." I curled in on myself, my arms wrapped protectively around my waist.

"Where does it hurt Bella, show me." Edward had moved to my side of the car and was kneeling on the ground, attempting to open me up and look at me, but I didn't want to move, the waves of pain reminding me of the exceptionally bad periods I had suffered from as a younger teen.

"Carlisle, we've got to get back home fast. Bella's in a lot of pain... I think it's the pregnancy." I could hear him talking as he got back in the car, moving back onto the road and accelerating quickly.

"She's curled in on herself, her arms wrapped around her stomach, all that she says is that it hurts. I can't smell any blood but she doesn't look well." I tried to tune out their conversation and focused instead on my breathing and trying not to have a breakdown at what I thought was happening.

Faster than I thought was possible we had pulled up to the Cullen house and Edward was out of the car, whisking me up in his arms and carrying me inside and up to our room where Carlisle was waiting with all of his equipment.

"How's she doing?" he asked quietly and I squeezed my eyes shut tight. I didn't want to know what was happening, didn't want to face the reality of what this sudden and strange pain could mean.

"The same." Edward replied. "She told me it feels like terrible menstrual cramps, but I still can't smell any blood." Carlisle was already working at trying to find out what was causing the pain, pressing gently on my abdomen and pulling out the doppler, turning the sound low enough that I couldn't hear whether or not their tiny little heartbeats were still there.

"I'm going to do a quick ultrasound." he said a few minutes later and I kept my eyes shut as he pulled out the wand and Edward helped him lift my shirt and lower my pants enough that he could get a good view. I kept my eyes closed tightly as he squeezed the cold gel onto my belly and then moved the wand around, spreading it and then pressing, signaling the beginning of the exam.

"Look Bella. Open your eyes." Edward urged and I fought the urge to cry. The room had been silent while Carlisle performed the scan and I had taken it to be a bad sign. But now they wanted me to look at the screen... surely Edward wouldn't want me to look if it were bad news.

"They're fine Bella. Open your eyes and look." I took a deep breath before I took his advice and breathed a loud sigh of relief when I saw the two tiny beans on the screen. "Listen," Carlisle said and turned up the volume, the sound of a heartbeat echoing through the room before he shifted the wand and I heard the second heartbeat.

"It still hurts though." I bit my lip, not wanting to feel the full relief yet. I was still in pain, something could still be seriously wrong.

"It could be stress Bella. Plus you are extremely dehydrated which can cause cramping." Carlisle answered but I still didn't feel any better about what I was feeling.

It was quickly decided between the two men that I would be given IV fluids right away to re-hydrate me as I still couldn't keep anything inside my system and they would be keeping an even closer eye on me and the babies. For the remainder of the day I was sentenced to bed to rest and get stronger, the IV in my hand making it difficult to move around even if I wanted to. Late into the night the pain finally subsided and I managed to fall asleep, the ultrasound that Carlisle performed the following morning again showing our two tiny children still hanging on tightly, apparently unaffected by whatever had caused my pain.

The days now passed even slower than before. I was being treated as though I was an invalid and in a way I was. I was becoming weaker by the day and I began to feel slightly frustrated, as though I was simply an incubator, incapable of doing anything else as long as I carried our children.

As my pulse weakened and my blood pressure dropped, Carlisle began to theorize that because the babies were hybrid children – part human and part vampire – then maybe they were taking my blood from me, feeding from it, causing my weakness, declining the human food that I still attempted to eat.

The next day his privileges as a doctor and their abundance of money paid off and an order of blood was delivered to the house. Carlisle didn't waist any time getting the blood into me, the transfusion working within a few minutes to give me more energy and apparently restore my pulse. At the thought that I had unknowingly been starving my children of what they needed I felt an immense guilt wash through me. What kind of mother was I?

That night I spent the evening with Jasper and Alice while the others were out hunting, Carlisle and Esme having to practically force Edward to leave my side to feed and take care of himself. I had assured him that I was already feeling much better and he had assured me that he wouldn't be gone very long.

Edward had only left a few moments earlier and Alice had already been sitting on the floor in front of me, my toenails becoming a pale pink colour as she worked her magic. It was silent between us as I was lost in my thoughts and Alice in her make-over, so Jasper's sudden question caused me to jump slightly.

"Do you want to talk about it Bella?" he must have been sensing the whirlwind of emotions running through me at the thoughts that had taken over and I struggled to reign them in and re-gain control as I simultaneously lowered my shield around myself. "Bella..." Jasper growled out in warning at my meager attempt to hide my emotions and I felt my cheeks go red in embarrassment.

"You don't have to tell us what you're thinking Bella, just don't try and close off your emotions either." he said softer and turned his head back to the book that he was reading.

"Alice?" I asked my friend who had remained silent during mine and Jasper's exchange. She waited patiently as I gathered my words together.

"Am I doing the right thing Alice?" I knew my question was vague and paused momentarily before expanding it, "I mean, I already love them so much," I rubbed my growing stomach and Alice smiled at me. "But... what if I fail at this? I've already brought so many problems to everyone... every time I think that we can finally settle down something happens, someone attacks us, another problem comes up. And now the little ones." I paused again and took a deep breath. "What if I continue to be a _danger magnet_ and it puts them in danger, if something happens to them. What if Edward's right and they are uncontrollable, some kind of monster that we've bred." I felt the guilt rolling off of me at my thoughts but I had to get them out. The thoughts that life would never calm down, that Victoria was still after me, that it was always something had been eating at me for days now.

"Stop warring with yourself Bella. You made the decision to keep the pregnancy going, and it's natural to have doubts in your situation. But I think that you need to trust your instincts and trust Carlisle's opinion. He believes that what you are carrying will resemble human children and every test he's performed so far has confirmed his beliefs." Jasper answered instead of Alice and I looked down guiltily knowing that he had felt the guilt and sadness, the joy and excitement all fighting for a place within my body.

"Jasper's right Bella, and I admit that at first I was against the very idea of you having these babies. But as you pointed out in the beginning, they are a part of you and a part of him, they are good Bella. And you're wrong, I've been working on my vision and I have managed to catch some glimpses of you and Edward later on... and them..." she smiled mischievously and I felt my mouth drop open. How had she possibly managed to keep this a secret?

"What about Victoria? I keep bringing strife to your family. You came to Alaska to rest, to have a time when you could be free from humans and the charade, free from worry. And then I came here with Alice and Carlisle, I caused fighting that first day, and then I was injured, and then Victoria showed up... there's just always... something." I ranted and closed my eyes, a lone tear traveling down my cheek.

There was a moment of silence as they contemplated my words and I thought back to all of the problems that I had caused. The separation of their family when Edward had first decided to pursue me, the problems with James, Laurent and Victoria. I had also been the one who had caused Jasper to lose control of his thirst and attack me, had forced the family to move hastily, had followed and then brought Victoria. And now the problem with the wolves.

"None of it is your fault Bella. We all have had parts in the problems that this family has recently encountered, but none of us would change what happened. It brought you into our lives as our sister, as Carlisle and Esme's daughter, and as Edward's mate. And now look – you are the one who is selflessly bringing this gift to all of us. Something so extraordinary and rare that none of us ever knew was even possible." Alice assured me and shifted so that she was looking me in the eye. "We all love you Bella, and we love the little ones just as much." She assured me and I couldn't help but to believe her.

"Thank you Alice." I whispered and hugged her close to me, grateful to have Alice as my sister.

"Thanks Jasper," I shot him a small smile when Alice and I broke apart and he nodded in my direction in acknowledgement.

The room was quiet again as Jasper returned his attention to his book and Alice settled onto the couch beside me, watching the movie that we had turned on earlier as I pretended to do the same, once again getting lost in my own thoughts.

My mind drifted to Edward and my relationship, about the hurdles that we had already faced and how through everything we had already managed to come back together, to create something so miraculous. My hands moved absently to rub my stomach, the slight round bump that protruded from in between my hips still feeling strange to my touch.

"May I?" I didn't notice that Alice had shifted towards me and her hand was raised as though requesting permission to touch my stomach. So far the only two people who had asked to touch my belly were Edward and Carlisle, so nervously I grabbed her hand and pulled it down to the spot where my own hand had just been resting, watching as her eyes almost instantly glazed over and I began to feel a slight pressure from where her hand was positioned.

"Alice?" I squeaked out when she didn't pull immediately out of the vision and her hand started to press slightly harder into my stomach. In an instant Jasper had moved in front of us, crouching down on the heels of his feet and placing his hand on Alice's shoulder as he spoke her name. But she still didn't budge.

"Jasper, she's hurting me, she's pressing too hard." I gasped out and Jasper pulled her hand away quickly, shooting me an apologetic look as he said her name again and kissed her forehead. Once Alice's hand was gone from my stomach there was a sudden stinging where it had been and I winced as the pain quickly spread, my hands wrapping around my stomach protectively.

"Bella, what happened? Are you alright?" Edward burst into the room and I felt the wall of tears as they flew down my cheeks, Edward gathering me into his arms and pulling me to the other side of the room and the empty couch.

"I'm so sorry Bella." I looked over and was glad to see that her eyes were no longer glazed over, her face crumbled with sadness.

"What happened?" Edward growled low as he spoke and began to turn towards Jasper and Alice, but I clung to him, not wanting him to fight with the pair.

"It was an accident... I'm sorry, so sorry Bella!" Alice exclaimed and again Edward began growling as Esme and Carlisle made their way into the room followed by Rosalie and Emmett.

"Ow." As the pain spread and became more prominent I was forced to let go of Edward and I once again curled in on myself, trying desperately to protect my stomach from further harm and stop the pain.

"Where does it hurt Bella?" Carlisle was right beside me and trying to coax me to move so that he could look at me. When he was unsuccessful I felt Edward lift me up gently into his arms and felt the air rush against my body as he carried me up to our room, laying me softly down on the bed and looking into my eyes.

"Bella Love, I'm going to shift you so that Carlisle and I can check out the babies. Can you show me where it hurts?" he spoke softly as he moved quickly to carefully pry my arms away from my stomach, his hands lifting my shirt up and my pants slightly lower. A flicker of anger flashed through his eyes and I looked down to see the large reddish-purple bruise forming in the shape of Alice's hand.

"Here," I whispered meekly and used my hand to demonstrate where it hurt, moving it around my side. "It's a band of pain that goes all the way around." I described it as Carlisle brought in his familiar bag of supplies and went to work checking things out.

After another ultrasound and Carlisle's assurances that I was okay and that the pregnancy still appeared to be fine, he left Edward and I in our room and I rolled over onto my side, Edward's arms wrapping around me from behind, his hands positioned on top of my stomach softly.

"Where's Alice?" I asked and then bit my lip anxiously, knowing that Edward was going to be extremely upset with her.

"She and Jasper left to go hunting." he answered and just as I suspected it was cold and filled with rage.

"It was an accident Edward." I spoke softly but knew that he had heard me.

"It's no excuse." he ground out angrily, "she should have been more careful... she could have seriously hurt you... hurt them." he said and I felt a tear slip down my cheek, relief that she hadn't hurt them, that Jasper had been there to pull her hand away.

"It wasn't her fault Edward. She asked if she could feel my belly and I pulled her hand to me. She just happened to get that vision at the wrong time." I explained and felt Edward breath heavily from behind me.

"What was her vision about anyways?" I asked and turned my head around to look at him, but I couldn't read his expression.

"You." he said simply and I felt my gaze changing into a glare as I pushed myself up into a sitting position, ignoring the pain in my stomach so that I could see him better.

"Edward." I demanded and he shifted his eyes down, his mouth staying locked tightly shut.

"Edward, you promised me that we were going to be honest, we were going to talk about things." I reminded him and his eyes shifted back up to meet mine.

"It was about you and Victoria. You were alone with her and you were..." he paused and I once again aimed my glare in his direction. "You were giving birth and she was... hurting them."


	22. Movement

_*** **_**I do not own anything Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Rated M for Mature content.**

"_**It was about you and Victoria. You were alone with her and you were..." he paused and I once again aimed my glare in his direction. "You were giving birth and she was... hurting them."**_

The threat of Victoria attacking and hurting me and our children had angered not only Edward, but the rest of the family as well. That night everyone agreed that nobody in the family was to go off alone, the family dividing in half to hunt and never going too far from the house.

The days passed slowly as Edward hovered protectively by my side, refusing to hunt until Emmett and Jasper would drag him out. After the incident with Alice, Edward also made it clear that the only one from the family that I was to be alone with were Carlisle and Esme. His words had hurt everyone when he spoke them but no one argued. They had all seen the bruise that Alice had left and knew that one wrong move could injure me or our children and nobody was willing to risk that.

Victoria continued to come close, her scent hovering around the house and tempting the men to go after her, to chase her down. But Jasper was wary of doing so, his suspicion being that she was trying to play games with us, to weaken us and separate us. So instead of going out at the first sign of her, the family began to plan, discussing ways to take care of her without endangering me or anyone else.

The games that Victoria was playing caused a level of stress to exist constantly within the house, mates constantly touching each other, Esme's mothering instincts causing her to worry over everyone's location constantly. To add on to it though, the pregnancy was not continuing on as smoothly as I had hoped it would.

After the initial blood transfusion I had immediately had more energy and felt better than I had in weeks. But the feeling didn't last long as the next couple days passed and my body once again became sick and weak, causing a need for a second transfusion. The pattern continued for a while, I would receive blood and feel better and then a few days later be back to needing more blood.

"Bella?" Carlisle entered his study and looked at me curiously. I was curled up on his leather couch reading a book that I had pulled off of his shelf and I looked up at him guiltily.

"I'm sorry," I apologized softly as I twisted to sit up and closed the book softly, setting it down beside me.

"No need to apologize Bella. You are welcome in here at any time." Carlisle smiled at me reassuringly and I felt myself relax a little bit, my hand moving to rub my now quite round belly absently. "I am curious though, why did you choose to stay in here and read? I would have thought you would be more comfortable downstairs or in your bedroom?" he asked and I shrugged, feeling the heat rise up to my cheeks as the embarrassment took over.

"I kind of freaked out a little bit earlier." I bit my lip as the memory of the morning raced back into my mind and I saw Carlisle look at me strangely. I thought for sure that one of the others would have filled him in before he had found me here in his study alone.

"I know that Victoria is a very real threat. And I know that everyone is worried about my health..." I began and shifted again, pulling my legs back up under me on the couch. "I know that I'm breakable and need to be protected and all of that and I don't mean to sound ungrateful... but it got to be a bit too much this morning." I blurted out surprised at how easily I was talking to him. Perhaps it was because I knew that the other vampires in the house would also be hearing this and I felt that they needed to know where I was coming from, but it felt good to let it out. "I mean, this morning I simply stood up to move to the washroom. That's all. I had to pee." he chuckled a little at my rant and I ignored him as I continued. "And then Edward went all protective on me, demanding to know where I was going, following me to the door, knocking while I was in there to make sure I was okay." I took a deep breath before continuing, "When I was finished I just stormed out and started yelling at Edward to leave me alone for a little while. To give me some privacy. He of course argued that it wasn't safe for me to be alone and then Alice and Esme came in and I felt too crowded and I just needed some time alone. Thankfully that's when Rosalie came in and told everyone to back off for a little bit. She asked me where I wanted to go and since I didn't feel like being in mine and Edward's room she suggested that I come in here and just spend some time alone." I finished and then looked down while I caught my breath. I wasn't really angry anymore, just frustrated and feeling like a caged zoo animal. Everyone always watching, always needing to know where I was and what I was doing.

Carlisle was silent after my rant and when I looked up I was surprised to see him sitting at his desk, his chair pushed back and his eyes thoughtful.

"I think we've all had a part in overwhelming you, and you are right in the fact that we are just concerned for your well-being. But I also agree that maybe you need some time on your own as well." he spoke with a small smile and I relaxed further onto the couch. "We have been encroaching on your personal space and I must apologize as I don't think any of us realized that we were doing it." I began to shake my head but he silenced my objection with his hand. "If at any time you feel overwhelmed Bella, all you have to do is talk to us and let us know that you need time. You are more than welcome to use this room any time and we will try to give you a little more space around the house." he said and I nodded my head in thanks.

"Thank you Carlisle... I'm sorry, I don't mean to be ungrateful..."

"Nonsense Bella. We all need personal time and it's easy to forget that, especially with everything that has been going on." he spoke again and I smiled back at him, my family was amazing.

"Ow!" My smile faltered and my hand moved to my right side, softly rubbing the spot where just a moment ago the pain had shot out.

"Bella?" Carlisle moved to my side at vampire speed, looking at my face with concern. Seconds later Edward was in the room with him, looking at me with concern.

"It's alright... I think... I think this little one just kicked me." I stated in a shocked voice as I continued to rub the spot softly. Seconds later there was another jolt and I winced again in pain as Carlisle moved closer, moving my hand and lifting my shirt to look at the spot.

I was now fourteen weeks pregnant and this wasn't the first time that I had felt movement from the little people inside of me, but until now it had only been flutters, nothing that could be felt from the outside and certainly nothing that had caused these little stabbings of pain.

Edward convinced me to shift so that I was now laying down on the couch, as he did so his face filled with varying emotions; love, happiness, sadness, worry, guilt.

"Edward I'm fi..." my sentence broke off as once again I found myself wincing in pain at the tiny jolts that were coming from my right side. "Here Edward," I said as I pulled his hand to the side of my belly and placed it on the spot the kicks were coming from, the coldness of his skin soothing the now sore spot as I felt more jabs hit his hand and Edward's face change to a look of awe.

"I can feel them." he whispered as he looked at me and I smiled at him through the pain. As he leaned down to kiss me I felt my face scrunch up as the tiny jabs started to appear from the other side and I quickly grabbed Edward's other hand and placed it on the spot.

After a few minutes of laying there, feeling my babies kicking away at my stomach from the inside, I pushed Edward's hands away and sat up again, my own hands moving to the two spots where I could feel them jumping around.

"Isn't it too early to be feeling it that strong?" Edward looked to Carlisle who had sat back down at his desk and had opened up the journal that he had been using to take notes about my pregnancy.

"In a normal pregnancy... yes it's early Edward. But this isn't a normal pregnancy and well... the babies that Bella is carrying, they are part vampire. They might be a little bit stronger than a regular human child which is why she's feeling it so strongly already." he explained calmly and I thought that it made sense. I had expected some things to be different from a normal pregnancy.

Edward, his face filled with worry sat down at the desk across from Carlisle and I could see the beginning of a conversation starting too quiet for me to hear. Sighing in aggravation I pushed myself up and walked out of the room, mumbling to the men that I was going downstairs to find Esme.

I was surprised when I made it downstairs, through the living room and to the kitchen without seeing Esme, but then I realized that they were all probably just trying to give me the privacy that I had just minutes ago asked for. Sitting down on a stool in the kitchen I let my head fall to the cool granite counter and closed my eyes wishing for a moment that the pregnancy would move quicker and I could just be at the end, holding my two precious bundles in my arms.

I knew that I had told Edward and Carlisle that I was strong enough, that everything would be fine... but I knew that it wasn't entirely true. I was terrified that my body would fail me, that I was weak and unable to do this.

As I sat there in the kitchen of what I now considered my own house I let the fear and uncertainty find their way up into my mind, let the possibilities of what could happen play repeatedly in my imagination. But I also knew that I had no other choice. This was something that was so miraculous, so amazing and unheard of... something that I along with the rest of the family was already so in love with... I knew that I couldn't do anything but continue on and put all of my strength into getting through it.

As the two little people inside of me continued to pummel me, I tried to ignore the stabs of pain knowing that they were only going to get stronger the longer that they were inside of me. Standing up slowly I felt a wave of dizziness as I worked to steady myself against the counter. When I finally felt alright again I moved at a snails pace towards the living room, feeling suddenly exhausted and wanting to lie down. But as I neared my destination I noticed a slight dampness in my panties and changed course, moving instead to the small bathroom. Sitting down on the toilet it took me a moment before I saw the small red stain that had caused the discomfort in the first place.

"Edward!" I called out in a normal voice, trying to control the panic that was already swelling up inside as I looked down and saw even more red inside the toilet.

Edward was downstairs in a second calling my name as he ripped the door open and then stopped in his tracks as he looked to where I was still staring, the smear of blood on the cotton. I heard Carlisle calling from the hallway, asking what was wrong but I couldn't answer and Edward was frozen on the spot.

"Bella, I can smell your blood. Are you alright?" He asked respectfully for the second time from outside the bathroom and I swallowed thickly, blinking back tears before I answered.

"I'm not sure Carlisle. I'm bleeding though..." I said, my voice unfamiliar to myself. Edward seemed to thaw out and moved closer to me. "Are they still kicking?" he asked and I nodded my head, feeling both sides of my belly still jumping around, every so often causing a slight pain where they would hit or kick too hard.

"Here, let's get you cleaned up and get upstairs so Carlisle can look at you again." Edward's brow was creased with worry as he spoke and he placed his arm around me as I stood to clean myself and I was sure that my own expression matched his worried one.

"Are you experiencing any pain Bella? Any cramping?" Carlisle asked as he examined me again and I shook my head no, "only when they kick..." I chewed on my lip nervously while he finished up and Edward held my hand silently waiting.

"I don't know what's causing the bleeding Bella," he said as he sat down beside the bed. "Everything appears to be alright... everything is in tact and their heartbeats are still strong." he paused and ran his fingers through his hair nervously, looking to Edward before continuing. "My best theory right now is that the strengths of their kicking is irritating and causing you to bleed. I know that you've already been taking things pretty easy Bella, but now I need to insist that you take it even easier. With everything that's already happened, how weak you already get, the bouts of dizziness and cramping when you need blood, and now this... It looks like continuing the pregnancy is going to be more... difficult... than we originally thought." Edward pulled me into his side a little tighter and I was worried about his reaction to this news. "Stay off your feet as much as possible, try not to let yourself become stressed or anxious about anything... take it easy." he ordered softly, his hand still running through his hair repeatedly as he spoke.

"I'll do whatever I can to keep them safe." I spoke quietly but firmly as I curled my legs up a little more and snuggled further into Edward's side.

"Bella..." his voice was off... more than just concern tainting it and I looked up to see him staring down at me, his eyes filled with emotion. "Bella... I can't lose you..." he seemed to change his mind about something and I had a feeling that I knew what it was.

"They won't hurt me Edward. I'm stronger than you think... I can handle carrying these little guys." I knew that I was reminding myself as well as him and I prayed that he would understand my position. That he really did feel the same way towards our children that I did... that he wouldn't try and convince me otherwise.

"I know. I'm just worried about you." he sighed and I wished that I could find a way to assure him that I would be fine, that I could handle this.

"You need to hunt Edward..." I whispered, trailing my finger across his cheek and under his nearly black eyes, the purple circles dark against his pale skin.

"I'm fine Bella." he smiled down at me but I shook my head. I hated that he was neglecting his own needs to stay here with me constantly.

"I'm tired... I'm probably going to just fall asleep. I think you should go hunting tonight." I insisted and he pursed his lips, moving his hand down to rest on my belly. "I'll just be here sleeping," I again insisted and rested my hand on top of his.

Neither of us said anything else and I soon drifted into a fitful sleep, nightmares finding me, causing me to toss and turn relentlessly.

Finally giving up on the idea of sleep I opened my eyes and groaned when I saw that I had only been asleep for two hours. The bed beside me was empty though and I knew that he must have gone hunting as I had requested. Sitting up awkwardly, my bladder made it's overly full presence known and I stumbled softly out of bed, muttering a _'just going to the bathroom' _loud enough that it wouldn't concern anyone that I was out of bed and moved towards the washroom. When I sat down and saw that there was no fresh blood I released a breath that I didn't realize that I had been holding and felt myself relax instantly.

When I was finished, I knew that there was no way that I would be able to fall back asleep now so I threw my slippers and robe on and padded my way out into the hallway, intending to go downstairs to the living room where I could lie on the couch and watch a movie or something. But as I passed Carlisle and Esme's room I was a bit surprised to see their door open and Esme sitting on the floor, surrounded by a box, it's contents emptied around her.

"Esme?" I asked softly and she looked up at me in surprise, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Oh Bella, I didn't hear you get up. Is there something I can do for you?" she asked softly as she stood and came towards me. I shook my head softly and my eyes focused on the sketch that was laid out on the floor.

"I'm sorry Esme, I didn't mean to disturb you." I apologized quickly and turned to leave.

"Come here Bella," Esme wrapped her arm around me and pulled me in to her room and over to the over-stuffed chair in the corner where she sat me down.

"Is that... was that your son?" I asked softly as she resumed her place on the floor and picked up the sketch that my eyes had been focused on. A darling baby boy had been drawn with arms wrapped around him, as though holding him securely and something about it had caught my attention immediately.

"Yes. I drew this just after I was changed. I've always liked to draw and sketch, for me it was the best way to keep my memories fresh." she paused as she looked down at the image before handing it over to me. I took it gently and stared into the face of an angel, a sudden sadness filled my heart as the realization of what Esme had lost hit me hard.

"He was beautiful." I whispered and she nodded her head sadly, picking up another sketch.

"His name was William," her voice was thick with emotion and I moved out of the chair to the floor beside her, wanting to comfort her. But seeing these mementos of her son, the sketches, the lock of his hair, the tiny blue outfit; I knew that I could only sit with her, that nothing would ever take away the pain of her loss.

"I'm sorry Esme," I wrapped my arm around her in a gentle hug, doing the only thing I could think of in the moment.

"Don't be sorry Bella, there's nothing that can be done about the past. What's important now is getting you through your pregnancy in one piece." she scolded me gently as I pulled back from her and sat back down on the floor.

"You know," she said thoughtfully and I waited patiently for her to continue, her face thoughtful. "We've all missed this part of life," she said and then paused again, looking as though she was trying to find the right way to word it. "None of us ever thought that once we were changed, that a baby was possible. It's the one thing that we all thought we were giving up for good. Being what we are, it was always a sort of unspoken rule that we never even got too close to infants or young children because none of us ever wanted to risk harming someone so innocent. But now Bella... you've not only completed our family, but you've brought us something that we had all given up on. You are a very remarkable person Bella." she finished softly and I felt the tears running down my face at her words.

When I had first come in here I had been worried that I was causing them all pain by simply being pregnant, that I was hurting them with my selfish desire to continue the pregnancy. But Esme's words had comforted me, helped me realize that these children would be mine and Edward's children... but they would also have an entire family waiting to welcome them with open arms.

A while later I had helped Esme tidy up her memories and she was helping me stand up from the floor, when I saw it and froze.

"Esme." I whispered and her face immediately changed to one of concern. My eyes stayed focused on the glass wall in front of us and I shuddered as I saw the flash of red move almost too quickly for my eyes past the window.

**A/N: My apologies for the huge delay in getting this chapter up. Life has been hectic and unpredictable lately, making it impossible for me to get even a few minutes to work on my stories. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, it's got a lot in it and in the next chapter there is quite a bit more action. **


	23. Home Invasion

"_**Esme." I whispered and her face immediately changed to one of concern. My eyes stayed focused on the glass wall in front of us and I shuddered as I saw the flash of red move almost too quickly for my eyes past the window. **_

Terror had gripped me, taken control of my ability to think or move, my eyes glued to the blackness outside the window as Esme moved in a flash to crouch in front of me, hisses suddenly surrounding me. A set of stone arms picked me up and I was suddenly moved away from the window, the air rushing past me as we all moved to the living room.

I blinked rapidly and looked around the room at the tense faces of my family, Alice's words too quick and too low for me to hear as she spoke through the tiny silver cell phone.

"Are you alright Bella?" Carlisle's voice was concerned and I had to mentally shake myself before I could answer him with a forced 'yes'.

"I don't know how long she was out there... I didn't hear her or smell her before she caught Bella's eye." Esme's voice was apologetic as she spoke and I wanted to reassure her that I was fine, that nothing had happened and that it wasn't her fault.

"I didn't see anything either." Alice's face was scrunched up in concentration, trying to see the future around me.

"I've had enough of this Bitch." Rosalie spoke up with venom in her words. "If she's not going to leave Bella alone, it's time for her to go." she finished and I couldn't help but agree with her.

I remained mostly frozen on the chair that Rosalie had placed me on while the family whispered in tones I couldn't hear. Or maybe I just didn't want to hear.

Edward was out there somewhere.

Victoria was also out there.

"Bella, are you alright?" When Edward flew into the room I felt myself sigh deeply, my relief that he was back... that he was home manifesting as streams of tears. Immediately though Edward assumed the worst and moved to stand in front of me, once again checking me over for any sign of injury.

"I'm fine Edward. She didn't touch me." I said after several deep breaths my voice surprisingly calmer than I expected.

"Are you sure Bella?" he asked worriedly, "Yes Edward. She didn't touch me. I'm fine." I assured him.

"Emmett and Jasper went to follow her trail a little way out. They aren't going too far but they want to make sure she isn't still lurking anywhere near here." he turned slightly to talk to Carlisle and shifted me simultaneously, tucking me under his arm protectively.

While the family talked loudly, their voices full of anger and hatred towards the stubborn red-headed woman I closed my eyes and tried to calm down, my heart still racing after seeing her so close to the house.

"Bella, you look exhausted." Esme's voice startled me out of the trance I had fallen into, interrupting the chatter surrounding me. "Do you want to head back to bed?" she offered softly and I shook my head no. I definitely didn't want time alone right now, I only wanted to be surrounded by my family.

"Bella," Edward sighed, "Esme's right. Why don't we head upstairs and you can try and sleep." he looked at me pleadingly, his hand cupping my cheek as he looked into my eyes. But I still refused. "I'll lay down on the couch but I don't want to go upstairs." I said quietly and instantly the vampires in the room shifted, the couch now available for me to lay down on, a blanket in Rosalie's hand ready to cover me up.

I felt like a small child.

Little did I know, the feeling would last a while.

The days moved even slower, the hours ticking by as everyone tried to agree on a plan of attack while also trying to make sure that my fragile self was guarded by a minimum of two vampires at all times.

However it only got worse as plans to capture Victoria continued to be debated, no more than two of them agreeing on any one plan at a time.

As frustrating as it was to be surrounded at all times, I also needed it. My concern for not my safety, but that of the two innocent children that I was carrying made my protection worth it. Seeing Victoria so close to us had shaken me up more than just knowing that she was a threat. The others finding her scent around the house, not quite the same as seeing her fiery red hair, her crimson eyes staring at me through a thin sheet of glass.

Days turned into weeks and my frustration began to grow. Edward was attentive, always by my side, his love for me and for our children was visible as he held me in his arms every night, promising safety and protection for us. Promising an eventual future free from the constant threat.

After the second week following Victoria's appearance my health was again beginning to suffer. I was now sixteen weeks pregnant and the blood transfusions were no longer working to better my health for more than a few hours at a time. I knew that Carlisle was worried and during a quiet consultation between himself, Edward and I, he asked how I would feel about getting blood into my system in a different way. A way that would allow me to take it in throughout the day without a constant needle in my arm.

"What are you suggesting Carlisle?" Edward's concern was evident on his face as he tried to see what Carlisle was thinking and I had a feeling that my face was echoing his confusion.

"Well, I had an idea and I'm not sure if either of you will agree to it. But... Bella's had a hard time keeping either solids or liquids down the past few days... even with the blood transfusions." He didn't have to remind me. Constant nausea had been one of the reasons that we were sitting here right now. Even water couldn't soothe the painful dryness in my throat. "I was hoping that this might be a successful option for you to consider." he stood up from his desk then and came around to me, something in his hand that I hadn't noticed before.

"You expect Bella to drink blood out of a cup? As though it was a glass of water?" Edward's voice was suddenly loud in my ear, the disbelief pouring off of him.

"I don't expect anything Edward." Carlisle's voice was as calm as ever and directed to Edward, even as he crouched down in front of me, his hand still holding the dark cup. "I wanted to give Bella the option to try drinking the blood yes. If she is taking the blood at the same time as her meals, I was hoping that it would help her to be able to keep some food in her system." his words were spoken softly and I knew that he would never force me to do it if I I didn't want to. He was simply just offering me an alternative option.

Tentatively I reached out and took the cup from his hands, bringing it to my face and pausing before smelling it carefully, the smell of rust and salt surprisingly not offensive.

"Bella... you don't have to..." I felt Edward's cool hand on my shoulder and I looked over at him, saw the concern in his eyes.

"I know Edward. But I think I want to at least try... if it's good for them." I placed my free hand on my belly and rubbed it gently, two little people pummeling me as I did so. Turning back to Carlisle I raised the cup to my lips and took a tiny sip, the sweet taste taking me by surprise as I swallowed it down and felt it both coat and soothe my sore throat.

"Bella?" Edward questioned nervously as I took a second, slightly larger sip and closed my eyes, the taste even better the second time around. I barely even noticed the smells that only months ago had made me gag and pass out. Now the only thing I noticed was that I liked it and it was already helping me to feel better.

"It's good." I told both of the men simply before proceeding to take a third sip. I saw Carlisle look to Edward from the corner of my eye while I continued to drink the sweet liquid, another silent communication taking place between the two men.

I let my annoyance at their conversation go as I finished off the cup of blood, my thoughts comical as I considered how abnormal I must be to be drinking blood... and enjoying it.

"Should we continue with your regular exam?" Carlisle asked and I nodded my head, setting the glass down and moving automatically to the couch on the other side of the room.

"How are you feeling after that?" his head gestured to the cup on the desk and I smiled at him as he measured my stomach.

"Much better... already." I said and both he and Edward smiled back at me.

"Your heart-rate returned to normal almost immediately... even your color looks much better after just that one drink." Edward's face was revealing his surprise and he took my hand as Carlisle pulled out the familiar ultrasound machine.

Soon my face was glued to the small screen while Carlisle measured both babies, taking his time looking at their heads, their bodies, their faces.

"Carlisle!" I jumped at the sound of Edward's voice, his own surprise evident and when I looked at Carlisle he looked like he would be furiously blushing if he could. It was a strange expression to see on him.

"I'm sorry Edward... it slipped..." he apologized out loud and I knew instantly that whatever had happened, he was also apologizing to me.

"What is it?" my mouth blurted out the words before either of them could explain themselves.

"I'm so sorry Bella... I saw it and before I could filter my thoughts Edward must have picked it up." Carlisle began and Edward's face was tight, his lips pressed together as though he was trying to suppress a smile.

"Carli..."

"He accidentally let one of their genders slip out." Edward told me before I could become further aggravated.

"And..." I pressed excitedly. We had discussed early on that I didn't want to know their genders just yet, Carlisle agreeing that he wouldn't look and if he somehow saw something that he would try and keep it quiet. But somehow knowing that he could tell, that both he and Edward knew at least one of them now, made me change my mind. I wanted... no I needed... to know.

"This one," Edward took the wand from Carlisle and pressed it into my right side, moving it around until I saw the image of my child and waited for him to continue, "Are you sure you want to know?" he asked and I affirmed my sudden decision with a nod of my head.

"Yes. I want to know."

"Well... this one that never seems to stop moving and kicking you is a he." Edward revealed and I couldn't control the wide grin that made it's way across my face at the news. I was having a little boy... a little Edward.

"And this one?" My hand found my left side where the second baby kicked me lazily, his or her personality already far more calm than it's brother.

"We don't know yet." Edward laughed lightly and began to move the wand over, replacing my hand. "But we can probably find out now – if you want to?" he asked and the excitement in the room was thick, my anticipation now through the roof.

"We can't find out one and not the other!" I exclaimed happily and Carlisle chuckled at my enthusiasm,

I began to see the shape of the baby on the screen, his little head the first thing that Edward found. We didn't get to see anything else though before both Carlisle and Edward's heads snapped up and an instant later there was a loud crash, the sound of glass breaking sending chills throughout my body.

The ultrasound was forgotten instantly and I was picked up and moved to the corner of the room so fast that I nearly vomited again.

When she entered the room I did throw up, my body convulsing in fear.

When he entered the room behind her I threw up again.

While I threw up I shielded myself, the need to protect both myself and my children from them instinctual.

"It's been a while Bella." His voice was the same but different and it was obvious from the way he stood, his eyes scanning the room, flitting back and forth between my two protectors and Victoria... the lights... the desk... the books... that he was still brand new, his crimson eyes brighter than any I had ever seen.

Edward and Carlisle were crouched in front of me protectively. Victoria standing off to the side, her expression wary as she kept her eyes focused on the scene in the room, as though she was simply a by-stander. That was when I knew. She had created him to serve as a distraction. She wouldn't attack until one of my defenders was already engaged. I didn't however understand why she picked him specifically.

He twitched and all of our attention turned back to him, he was anxious to attack and it looked like he was fighting to hold himself back, his eyes looked to Victoria, waiting for some unknown signal.

I pressed myself back further into the corner as I watched the exchange, terrified for my family.

"It all makes so much sense now Bella." he spoke and I could see from his expression that he was both anxious and nervous. His instincts were probably telling him to leave, but Victoria... Victoria was urging him to stay through her silent looks, her pleading eyes.

She was playing him.

He was eying Edward with hatred.

"Now... now it's my turn Bella. You see... now... now I'm stronger than him."

He lunged at Edward.

Carlisle sprang at him.

Victoria lunged at me.

**A/N: Again, I know there was a huge break in posting chapters, I'm putting all of my focus into this story now though so hopefully there won't be any more. Enjoy!**

_*** **_**I do not own anything Twilight, it all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. Rated M for Mature content.**


	24. Return from the Past

_**He lunged at Edward. **_

_**Carlisle sprang at him. **_

_**Victoria lunged at me.**_

My brain was working overtime to try and process what was happening as it occurred, but I could only begin to interpret small fragments, my mind not quite able to keep up with everything that was going on around me.

Victoria lunged at me with her entire body, her only arm attempting to grab onto me.

My shield pushed her back.

Jonathan. The same Jonathan that had tortured me in the _hospital. _The same Jonathan that still crept into my dreams at night... that haunted me in my nightmares. He was now a vampire. He was a newborn vampire. He was here. With her.

Jonathan grabbed Edward.

Carlisle grabbed Jonathan.

The three tumbled out of the room, making their own entrance through the wall.

I lost sight of them.

Victoria lunged again and I held her back from me with my shield.

My breathing was becoming labored as I kept her away from me, keeping my shield flexed out around myself, preventing her from coming closer to me.

I could feel that my heart was racing as I listened to the other three vampires fighting from the other room, terrified for both my mate and my father-figure.

Victoria suddenly stopped lunging at me, her eyes darting to the other room where there was a loud screech. The sound of stone being ripped apart.

A door slamming open downstairs.

Victoria whipping around... and then she was gone. A streak of red disappearing out the door.

I was alone.

Edward was by my side, pushing through my shield.

Pulling me onto his lap.

Rocking me.

"Ssh Bella. Ssh."

Tears streaming down my cheeks.

Angry growls and hisses.

Most of my family surrounding me, concern covering every face in the room.

"She's gone Bella. She's gone."

Eyes closing.

Heart racing.

Darkness consuming.

"She's alright Edward." I could hear Carlisle's voice as the darkness began to lift.

"She should have woken up by now." Edward's voice, soft and worried for me.

"Listen, she's starting to wake up now." Carlisle assured him and I felt a familiar cool hand brushing across my forehead.

"Bella?" his voice was smooth but worried as he called my name gently. I didn't open my eyes yet, my brain pulling itself out of the fog and returning to the last thing that it could remember.

Victoria.

I could feel my heart beginning to pound in my chest and instinctively curled in tighter to the hard stone that was holding onto me... my fear overwhelming me quickly.

"She's terrified Edward." Jasper's voice sounded from somewhere in the room and I felt a wave of calm washing over me.

"It's alright Bella. You're safe." Edward tried to re-assure me, but it wasn't me that I was terrified for, it was him... it was Carlisle... it was the babies.

Taking several deep breaths first to calm myself down I slowly opened my eyes, blinking to adjust to the dim lights, the confusion hitting me instantly at our surroundings. I didn't linger on the unfamiliar room, looking up to Edward's worried face.

"Victoria..." Just saying her name left a bitter taste in my mouth. But I had to know if they had somehow managed to catch her this time or if she had gotten away again. Edward shook his head and I knew I had my answer. She had somehow managed to evade them again.

"J... Jon... Him?" If Victoria's name left a bitter taste in my mouth, trying to say his name nearly suffocated me. But still I needed to know. Maybe even more so than Victoria.

"We destroyed him Bella. He won't ever be able to hurt you again." Edward tried to soothe me and I noticed that I was trembling slightly.

"I'm so sorry Bella. I should have killed him back when... before." Alice's voice was strangely subdued and I looked over to see her huddled under Jasper's protective arm.

"It's not your fault Alice. We didn't know that she... that she would do something like that." I gave her a small, tight smile to let her know that I meant my words.

"How are you feeling Bella?" Edward asked softly and I glanced around the strange room, really looking at my surroundings for the first time since waking up, seeing both the familiar and unfamiliar faces watching me, all of them serious, worried.

"I... I feel fine... physically..." I managed to get out, my arms instinctively wrapping around my torso as I looked back up at Edward.

"Where are we?"

"We're still in Alaska Bella." he answered and looked towards the rest of the room. "We thought it would be a good idea to stay with our cousins until she's dealt with." his voice turned cold at her mention, the rest of the room mimicking his expression.

_Do they know that I'm pregnant then? _ I asked Edward my question silently and he squeezed my hand reassuringly, nodding his head slightly in reply. We had previously discussed whether to tell them, not sure how the news of my pregnancy would go over.

_They're okay with it? All of it? Us staying here... Victoria... me? _I asked him, even my internal voice filled with question as he continued to nod at my silent questions.

"We're glad to have you with us until this is settled." Carmen spoke up, obviously sensing my concerns, and I was in awe at how soft and gentle she was, her tenderness so similar to Esme.

"Thank you." I managed to spit out and the family began to relax a little throughout the room, beginning conversations in small groups as I sat up on the sofa, Edward's arm still supporting me.

"Are you going after her?" Edward had been eying his brothers and father off and on while we sat nervously in the living room, the entire family still on edge.

"Yes." he said and I didn't push it any further yet, my fear had already spiked at his admission.

"Are you feeling alright Love?" Edward asked a few minutes later and I nodded my head weakly. I honestly wasn't okay, I was terrified of what could happen when Edward went after Victoria, I felt like I was the cause of too many problems, and my stomach hurt from where I was currently being kicked hard.

"You're pretty pale Bella... are you hungry?" Edward pushed and I shook my head in aggravation. I was tired and pregnant, carrying our two children while a psychotic vampire hunted me down. On top of that, my rapist and abuser had shown up as a vampire and tried to take out my mate and my father.

"Bella..." Edward's tone wasn't harsh, more pleading and I felt bad for closing him out to my feelings. Instead of speaking out loud I lifted my shield up and let him listen to my jumbled thoughts for a few minutes.

"Don't worry about her hurting us Bella... there are all of us against only one of her. You need to worry only about keeping yourself and our two little beans healthy." He rubbed his hand across my belly lightly, soothing the sore spot on my right where I could feel the new bruises already forming.

I nodded my head but by the look he gave me I knew he wasn't convinced that I believed him... he knew me better than that.

"Bella... we're going to destroy her. And after we destroy her we are going to go back to the house and take care of you and only focus on you and our children and moving forward together." Edward had tilted my chin up to look at him and I could feel the tears in my eyes at the picture of my future with Edward... with our family.

"Bella?" His voice was laced with concern as the tears began to flow freely down my cheeks, the stress of the current situation coming out in torrents of salty liquid. I tried to reign in my outburst, but with every breath I struggled to deeply inhale, a fresh wave of tears would start and soon Edward was once again rocking me as I sobbed into his chest.

"Jasper?" his voice was strained, pleading and I tried once again to gain control of my crying but it was no use as I heard Jasper's hushed whispers, only some of the words like overwhelmed, tired, and rest making their way to my ears.

Seconds later I was wrapped up in Edward's arms and I felt the air around me moving as he carried me out of the room at a quick human pace, moving down the hall and into a small bedroom at the back of the house.

He didn't let go as he laid me down on the bed, his arms still wrapped protectively around me, the soft sound of my lullaby breaking through to me as we laid there together. As the sobs slowly began to die down I felt the heaviness of the stress seeping through, the tiredness forcing my eyes to close and soon I was falling into oblivion, sleep quickly taking over.

"No!" I cried out. But it was no use. My voice was gone and while I could mouth the words all that I wanted, no sound was coming out. He continued to come closer to me and I cringed back, swatting away his hands as they reached out to grab me. He looked exactly the same as I remember, the same scrubs, the same smug look... the only difference his cold red eyes.

"Get away from me! Don't touch me!" I mouthed again as I kept trying to push him away but it was useless. He was already on top of me, pinning me down. His hands were roughly grabbing me, his voice taunting me, telling me that I was his. That I belonged to him.

"No please!" I began to sob silently as my clothes were torn off, his own following after.

My eyes were squeezed tightly shut and I felt the sting across my cheek as he slapped me.

"Bella." the voice commanded but it wasn't the same. It was softer, feminine, familiar. "Bella, open your eyes. Look at me sweetheart." The rough grabbing hands were fading now, his touch still there violating me, but now it was only a ghost... a memory. "You're safe Bella, he won't hurt you ever again." she assured me and I wanted to believe her but couldn't. The dream still so fresh in my mind that I could still feel the filthy grime that covered me from his touch.

"Look at me Bella," she urged slightly more commanding, but still gentle and patiently.

I opened my eyes slowly, cautiously and saw her face twisted in concern as she sat at the edge of the bed, not touching me, gaging my reaction to her.

"I'm sorry." I managed to croak out after remembering where I was, realizing why the bed that I was in wasn't my own, a single tear falling at the memory of the previous day, the attack on my family.

That was all it took for Esme to move immediately to my side, her arms wrapping me up in her soft embrace.

"Bella, you don't have anything at all to be sorry for dear... you have done absolutely nothing wrong, so take those thoughts right out of your head." she scolded gently and I nodded just slightly.

"Where's Edward?" I asked her as I pushed myself up into a sitting position, my hands moving to rub my belly softly as I felt the kicking picking up again.

"The boys made him go hunting with them, he'll be back in a little while." she told me and I couldn't control the fear that hit me, the knowledge that she was still out there causing me to shake slightly.

"I know what you're thinking Bella and don't. All of the boys have gone... Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett, Laurent, Eleazar and Edward. She won't touch them and she won't get near you with all of us here." Esme scolded me lightly and while her words should have reassured me, they didn't.

A minute later she stood up and the panic began to set in as I saw her move away from me before I realized that she was just going to the small table by the door where a tray of food had appeared.

"Carlisle wanted you to eat something if you woke up." she said bringing the tray over and I scrunched up my nose at the sight of the food, all of it completely unappealing to me. "Here, drink this first." she handed me the cup and watched as I took a pull of the sweet liquid through the straw, my throat demanding another sip immediately.

"Esme?" I asked a few minutes later. I was currently working on eating now that the cup of blood was empty but my thoughts were still focused on Victoria... and him.

"Yes dear?" she asked with a smile and I was glad that she was with me. In Esme's presence I felt like I was truly her daughter, like I was already one of the family.

"Is Charlie safe?" The question had been nagging at me but I hadn't really wanted to say his name for fear that she was lurking around outside somewhere, listening to us, looking for ways to get to me.

"Of course he is Bella. The wolves are on high alert... they know that she is a threat right now and Charlie is never alone." I already knew that the wolves were aware of Victoria as a threat but I was glad to hear that they had stepped up his security. I was also upset that because of me, he was in danger. It wasn't fair to him.

"This isn't your fault Bella." Esme knew what I was thinking and I shoved another bite of toast in my mouth as I shook my head.

"Bella..."

"Why did she pick him?" I asked before she could try and convince me it wasn't my fault.

"What do you mean?" she asked, the confusion evident on her face.

"I mean... J...Jon... him..." I still couldn't manage to say his name but I saw understanding cross Esme's features, "Why did she change him... out of everyone... why him?" I asked again and felt another tear float down my cheek. I didn't bother wiping it away.

"She watched you in the hospital Bella," she whispered hesitantly and I nodded, already knowing this. "She picked someone that Edward wouldn't be able to resist going after to destroy... but it also worked to her advantage that he turned out to be talented as well." I was slightly surprised at this and motioned for her to continue. "He had some sort of masking ability... that was how she kept getting so close to us without our detection. He was masking their scent and their sounds until they were within a few yards of us. Combined with her instinct for self preservation..." her voice faded and I thought back to Victoria's different appearances, the lack of detection.

"So it was sort of like me... like a shield?" I asked and she nodded carefully before explaining. "A little bit... only he couldn't keep it there for a long time. It was really only useful for sneaking up on us." she sighed and I sensed her own guilt coming through.

"But now he's gone... she can't use that anymore so we'll know if she gets too close?" I asked and she answered me with a quiet 'yes'.

"Did the men go hunting for blood?" I soothed the sore spot on my stomach as the pull in my chest got stronger and I suddenly felt worried for Edward... for my family.

"Yes," Esme bit down her lip... a habit I had apparently spread throughout the family and I knew that there was more to it as she sat, twisting her hands in her lap nervously. "Was that all that they went hunting for?" I asked as it sank in and the panic began to grow stronger in my chest. Her look was all the answer that I needed as her eyes darted to the window worriedly.

"They went after her." the words came out in a whisper, nearly choking me on their way out.

I knew only two things in that moment.

Either she would be destroyed.

Or this family... I... would continue to be in danger.

Whatever happened today would change everything.

**A/N: I'm sorry for the long delay in updating! Things have been crazy and hectic... we've moved and had no internet for a while but now things are finally settling down again. I'm hoping to get better at updating as we move into spring. **

**** All twilight references, characters etc... are the property of S. Meyer.**


	25. Waiting for News

"_**They went after her." the words came out in a whisper, nearly choking me on their way out.**_

_**I knew only two things in that moment. **_

_**Either she would be destroyed. **_

_**Or this family... I... would continue to be in danger. **_

_**Whatever happened today would change everything. **_

"You don't look well Bella," I fought the urge to roll my eyes at the tender voice, at the echo of concern that I had heard throughout the night. I had spent hours awake now, sometimes pacing the plush living room carpet of the Denali's house, which was completely different in style to the Cullen's but somehow similar. Sometimes the worry and fear became too much and I found myself disappearing to the bathroom... to the only room that I was allowed the illusion of privacy where I could fall apart and really cry.

"I feel fine." it didn't come out as calm as I had intended, the stress of waiting for news, seeping through in my simple words.

"Bella..." Alice's voice held a hint of a warning and this time I did roll my eyes at her before she continued. "You're paler than us Bella and your eyes keep closing... if you keep going you're just going to collapse in exhaustion. You've been awake practically all night..."

"I said I'm fine Alice." I didn't mean to snap at her and she sighed loudly, most likely frustrated with my stubbornness which at the moment was matching her own.

I continued my walking silently after that, none of the other women in the room attempting to stop me even though they were right. I was tired. I wasn't feeling well. I also knew that if I stopped pacing, if I let myself sit down and rest then I would fall apart completely. Because it ached.

My chest had never hurt this badly. Even when Edward and I were apart and I was suffering miserably alone, it had ached and pulled and it felt like I had been punched in the chest, but it never made me feel like this, like I was only a half to a whole, my other half ripped apart and shredded... burned and unable to be repaired. It was an entirely new level of pain that I was experiencing.

I knew that something was wrong and I knew that I wasn't the only one who recognized it and was in pain. As much as they all tried not to show it, occasionally one of them would raise their hand, their palm resting over their heart before they realized it and pulled it down again, glancing quickly at me to see if I noticed it.

I did.

The night wore on slowly while they tried to convince me that everything was going to be alright and I continued to pace the floor.

"Bella..." I didn't want to hear it. I was barely keeping myself together. When simply pacing had stopped working to distract me I had begun to focus on the room as I walked. I focused on the intricate pattern on the antique vase that sat on the coffee table, the curving lines of the furniture, the different meanings behind the pieces of interpretive artwork that hung on the wall.

"Bella..." Carmen looked at me with concern when I turned and began walking the same path back towards her. I knew that it wouldn't take much more before I fell to pieces. Turning abruptly I ignored their continuing questions and moved back towards the bathroom, closing the door softly behind me and spinning around, sliding my back against the door and unlocking the tears, letting out just a small amount of the worry that I was feeling.

When I had cried all of the tears that I would allow myself I pulled my thoughts, my emotions together and took a deep breath, ignoring the pulling and tearing that still caused my chest to ache uncontrollably. When I began to look at the night, at the hours we had all spent worrying for our mates I realized that I wasn't just upset. I was angry.

I was fed up of having to run from Victoria. I was fed up of being a fragile human. I was fed up of putting everyone else in danger because of my presence.

For just a brief moment I considered going to find Victoria myself.

"Oh no you don't Bella." The thought had been so fleeting in my mind that at first I was confused by her sudden pounding on the door, the panic and fear in her voice.

"What are you talking about Alice?" I groaned and then the thought resurfaced. "It was only a passing thought... it wasn't a decision Alice."

I could sense her still standing on the other side of the door and knew that she wouldn't leave me alone now after seeing my brief thoughts. Any sense of privacy I had was dissolved now, my frustration returning ten-fold.

"Have you seen anything from them yet?" I pressed my hands against my thighs and stood back up, blinking back the remaining tears and forcing myself to try and act calmly, rationally. Just as I turned to open the door a wave of pain hit me that was so intense it knocked me right back down to where I had been previously crouched, a strangled cry breaking out of my mouth.

"Move away from the door Bella." I heard a click as the lock on the door was broken and felt a slight pressure in my back as the door was nudged carefully open behind me, pushing me further into the washroom. I didn't look up at Alice as she knelt down in front of me, prying my hands away from my chest and asking me to tell me what hurt, what was wrong.

"Tell me what you know Alice. Where are they? What's happening to them?" I choked out the words like puffs of smoke and when I finally looked up I saw her face more composed than mine but still in pain as her own hand cradled her chest. I felt the presence of the others behind me and I fought the urge to scream from the agony I was feeling, the sudden crack I felt that reverberated throughout my body like nothing in comparison to the pull of whatever was happening currently to my mate.

"Come on Bella," Rosalie's arms were around my waist before Alice could answer my question and I tried to resist her as she lead me out of the room and down the hallway but it was impossible. The pain was too great and she was insistent.

I was slightly surprised and extremely grateful when instead of taking me back to the living room she led me into the same bedroom I had slept in earlier and closed the door behind us, helping me collapse onto the bed before speaking again.

"Let me look at you Bella... it sounded like something broke." she pulled my hands down and helped me shift to my back, a position that was even more painful to stay in.

"What has Alice seen?" it sounded pathetic, my voice raspy and pained as I begged Rosalie to just tell me what was going on. I was tired of them all sheltering me.

"She hasn't seen very much." She was pressing softly around my ribs but when she hit the sore spot I had to suck in a deep breath, my teeth sinking into my tongue accidentally. Her hands were cold as she continued to press and examine around my belly and my ribs and I was slightly surprised that it didn't bother me that she was here doing this, that she seemed to know exactly what she was doing.

"He's strong," it was a cross between awe and sadness as her hands stopped moving and rested for a moment where my son was still kicking me, just below my sore rib.

"Is it broken?" I asked and it seemed to snap her out of wherever she had disappeared to.

"I think so, I don't have enough experience to know for sure but I it feels like it. I'll wrap it up until Carlisle gets back and can look at it." she answered and left the room, coming back before I could ask where she was going. Minutes later my ribs were wrapped up tightly and I was back to waiting anxiously for news.

"Alice has only been seeing bits and pieces... there haven't been enough conscious decisions for her to get a solid vision." Again she surprised me by the tenderness in her voice as she sat with me, the space and silence in the room something that I needed.

"What has she seen? Why does it hurt?" I had noticed while Rosalie had wrapped my ribs that the pain in my chest had been gradually lessening but it was still there, still pulling.

"When they left it was because they had found evidence of young vampires a little way east of here. Victoria's trail also was leading that way." I felt my anxiety growing at the mention of more vampires. "It's going to be okay Bella. The last vision that she had showed glimpses of them destroying the newborns." I didn't feel any better by her reassurances, just wanting it to be over, for Edward and the rest of my family to come back. "It hurts because they've made the decision not to come back until Victoria is destroyed."

"Can I come in Bella?" Esme's voice floated in from the doorway and I looked over to see her carrying a tray of food into the room.

I thanked her softly as she handed me the cup first and I drank it quickly, the pain fading slightly and my body feeling much better as I picked slowly at the food, not really hungry but wanting to keep doing what I could to keep my babies healthy.

"They will come back Bella. All of them." I wasn't expecting Esme's words and the force with which she spoke them also surprised me. "They know what they are doing... Jasper, Emmett, Carlisle, Eleazar, Laurent and..."

"They're on their way back." Alice's voice chimed loudly throughout the house interrupting Esme and I rubbed my chest absently, the pain still aching but relief flooding through me at her words.

"Victoria?" I heard Tanya ask from the hallway and the silence brought my mood instantly back down.

"I don't know... but no... I don't think they got her yet." Alice's voice still held an element of excitement but it was much more subdued now as the rest of the family joined us in the bedroom. I didn't care. I just wanted Edward here.

"When will they be back?" I asked quietly and both Esme and Rosalie turned back to me.

"Not for a couple of hours... they just made the decision and they were pretty far east." Alice answered apologetically and I winced slightly as I shifted down a little bit.

"How bad is the pain Bella?" I tried to tell Rosalie that it wasn't too bad but baby boy shifted and I felt it as he kicked my broken rib, my face contorting and giving me away as he did so.

"Come on little guy, let's see if we can get you to shift a little bit so you aren't hurting your mama." Rosalie's voice was tender and I was shocked as she moved her hands back to my stomach and pressed around gently and I felt the baby shift slightly lower, no longer kicking me in the sore spot, her hands working like ice to soothe some of the pain. While she sat like that a while longer I saw Esme reach into her pocket, her phone coming up to her ear.

Rosalie still had her hand resting on my stomach but I was no longer focused on what she was doing, only needing to know who Esme was speaking to.

"Here she is Edward," Esme's voice suddenly sounded at a level that I could hear and the phone was suddenly in front of me, waiting for me to pick it up and press it to my ear.

"Edward?" I breathed suddenly nervous, not entirely confident that he would answer, that he was really alright.

"Are you alright Bella? Esme said the baby broke a rib... are you in pain?" he spoke quickly, and I had never been happier to hear his voice, even filled with worry like it was.

"I'm fine... Rose has been great, she wrapped it up for me and shifted the baby so that he's not kicking it anymore. Are you all okay? When are you going to be back?" I blurted out my questions and felt my eyes well up with tears again.

"We're fine Love, just stay in bed and we'll be back as soon as we can." I nodded my head dumbly, unable to speak due to the tears and Esme reached out, taking the phone back from me while Rosalie and Alice helped me shift to a more comfortable position on my side, Rosalie disappearing and coming back a minute later with a small white pill in her hand.

The clock slowed down as we waited.

"I want to go home Edward." I whispered the words carefully even though we were the only ones in the house at the moment. But I knew that even though we were alone inside, the others were still within hearing range outside. Far enough away to give us a little bit of privacy but close enough that we were still protected should Victoria appear the way that she did.

I couldn't quite tell what Edward was thinking but his face looked torn. We were currently sitting on the bed in the same guest bedroom of the Denali house, Edward's hands gently rubbing my round belly, soothing some of the constant pain from the babies' kicks. Since they had returned back to the house nearly a week earlier, my health had been a concern for Carlisle and Edward... and now Rosalie who since feeling them had been drawn to my side almost constantly. I had been surprised to learn that Rosalie had actually studied medicine more recently than either of the others and had almost taken up medicine with the original intent to specialize in obstetrics.

"What do you mean Bella?" His posture had stiffened and his hesitation made him seem more vulnerable than I was used to seeing. I was unsure of why he suddenly seemed so afraid.

"I want to go home... I want to go back to our house. I want to sleep in our bed in our room and not let Victoria run the rest of our lives. She's going to come back eventually and when she does..."

"So you want to go back to our place. Not Forks... with your dad?" I pulled back in surprise and looked up at his face, his questioning and fear suddenly making much more sense to me. Even now with me carrying his children he was still afraid that one day I would run away from him in fear.

"Well... I miss Charlie yeah, but Forks isn't my home anymore Edward." I shifted carefully and ran my hand along his cheek, resting it on his shoulder. "My home is up here with you... with our family." He leaned over and kissed me softly, his arms wrapping around me and pulling me into his arms, holding me close to him.

It was the first time he'd held me this intimately in so long I nearly cried at the close contact, at the longing I suddenly felt. Too much time had been spent discussing strategy, discussing Victoria's relentlessness, trying to estimate what she would do next now that her attempts at building an army had been destroyed.

When the men had returned home and I had been inspected Edward had reluctantly filled me in on their _hunting _trip. They had followed Victoria's scent to the same area they had been tracking newborn activity. It turned out that it was a small group of brand new vampires that Victoria had created as a way to destroy our family. With Jasper leading them, they claimed it had been easy to destroy them, but Victoria wasn't there and Edward had almost collapsed in pain immediately afterwards, something about our connection alerting him to the pain I was in and convincing him that he needed to come back to me.

Victoria hadn't made another appearance and once again our family was at a stand-still on what to do next.

"Please Edward... please can we go home?" He kissed me again before answering, murmuring a simple yes and returning his lips to mine. It was soft and firm and I lost myself in his kiss, in his touch, in his words.

The next day we said goodbye to our cousins and leaning against Edward he helped me into the back of Carlisle's car and we drove home. My body had weakened far beyond what it had been when we had arrived a week before, my mind tired, and my emotions haywire.

When we finally arrived back home the family tried to return to normal while keeping on alert for anything that might indicate that Victoria still hadn't given up.

I only continued to get weaker.

**A/N: I hope you all enjoyed this update. Victoria is a tricky creature... but the Cullens are good and perhaps Victoria will give up now that they have taken out a couple layers of her plans. I hope you enjoyed, please R & R!**

**** All twilight references, characters etc... are the property of S. Meyer I only play with her creations to see what I can do with them :)**


	26. Weakness and Determination

_**When we finally arrived back home the family tried to return to normal while keeping on alert for anything that might indicate that Victoria still hadn't given up.**_

_**I only continued to get weaker.**_

"Edward Junior – we can call him EJ." I offered for the third time and watched as Edward's hands found their way to his hair, pulling them roughly through his bronze locks while he looked at me pleadingly.

"We can call him Eddie..." Emmett's playful voice came booming through the house and Edward let a small growl slip out at the much hated nickname.

"What if we have two boys... it wouldn't be fair for one to be named after me and not the other one." His eyes lit up with his newest argument against the name but I stood my ground, staring him down from the bed.

"Oh oh oh! I know! You can call one of them Edward Junior and one Emmett Junior and then when you want to call them both you'll only have to say 'EJ' and they'll both answer!" the sound of stone hitting stone reverberated through the house followed by Emmett grumbling about how he was just trying to help. The only problem was, his version of helping really wasn't helping my case.

"This one is still a boy right?" I shifted my attention to Carlisle who was currently taking measurements on baby boy and he smiled widely as he gave me a quick 'yes'.

"Let's wait until we find out the second baby's gender before we pick out names." Edward suggested hopefully and almost instantly the wand had shifted on my belly and Carlisle was chuckling softly as he looked at the screen.

After several minutes of Carlisle shifting the wand in silence I prompted him impatiently, "So..."

"It looks like this one's a little more modest than his or her brother." he was still moving the wand around and Edward looked like he was suppressing a smile. "Stubborn like it's mother too." he finally blurted out and I glared at him, various laughter bursting out throughout the rest of the house at his statement.

"He's got his legs pulled up and crossed so tightly I can't tell." Carlisle sighed and I looked at Edward pleadingly. I hated knowing only one of their genders.

"Let me try," Carlisle handed him the wand and they switched places, Edward resting his hand on my belly first and talking gently to the baby, asking him to stretch out a little bit as if the baby could understand what he was saying. As much as a part of me wanted to roll my eyes and laugh at his actions, I also felt a tender fluttering in my heart at the glimpse of a father Edward already was. Finally he placed the wand on my belly and then after several long minutes, let out a frustrated sigh. Doing the same thing Carlisle had done earlier he pressed and shifted the device until I felt a hard thump, the wand flying out of Edward's hand, his face unusually surprised by the action.

"I think he's upset with all of the pressing and prodding." I ground out between my teeth, my hand resting on the now sore spot where he had kicked me.

Edward picked the wand back up and replaced my hand, his smile widening further as he looked one at our child one more time. "I think you mean where she kicked you."

"It's a girl?" I asked excitedly and then I felt a second hard kick, this time the wand stayed firmly planted in Edward's hand although he did pull it up off of my stomach.

"Oh it's definitely a girl... and I think that she's got her mother's temper!" Edward was now using a damp cloth and wiping my stomach down from the ultrasound goo and I pushed myself up, wrapping my arms around his waist excitedly. From downstairs I could hear voices talking animatedly, Alice's squeals louder than the rest and I groaned inwardly at the clothes I could already imagine her buying. Briefly I wondered if she had already seen what we were having but I didn't dwell on that thought as Edward brought his lips down to mine and anything that may have been going on in my head flew out the window.

The sound of someone clearing their throat in the background forced us to break apart and Edward helped me lay back down on the bed in a comfortable position.

"Is something wrong Carlisle?" I noticed the way his brow was furrowed as he leaned against the wall watching Edward and I interact, the smile that had been on his face earlier now completely gone.

As soon as I had spoken the words his brow had smoothed out and his face gave nothing away to the worry that had been evident on his face, but I wasn't going to let him off that easily. I knew him better than that by now.

"What is it? Is something wrong with the pregnancy?" I asked impatiently, the joy I had been feeling suddenly crushed as the worry once again bubbled up inside of me.

"No Bella, nothing is wrong with the pregnancy. In fact it's the opposite I would say... they both appear to be thriving." I could detect a hint of sadness in his words even though he tried to hide it, a small smile appearing on his face that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Stop trying to shelter me." It was more of a request than a demand and I shook my head to try and calm myself down, the anger over his reaction more upsetting now than my earlier worry. "If there is anything going on that involves me, then you need to just tell me." I watched as he moved away from the wall and closer to the bed, his eyes communicating something with Edward before he looked back at me and ran his fingers through his hair.

"I promised you in the beginning Bella that I would support you during your pregnancy and do whatever I can to help you through it successfully. Not knowing what to expect we have been researching constantly and while nothing comes up in our searches, your health is only continuing to deteriorate further and my fear is that the pregnancy is quite literally killing you." I opened my mouth to argue with him, to try and convince him once again that I was strong enough but he raised his hand to stop me, "Bella, I know what your wishes are and I won't go against you but you need to understand that you aren't even half-way to term yet and the things you are feeling, noticing are only going to get worse the further into it you get. Right now your heart and your blood are our two biggest concerns. If your heart gives out there is nothing that we can do."

"But the blood I've been getting... it's been helping right?" I asked cautiously.

"Yes, to an extent. Your heart is still strained though, the babies... they are starving you from the inside – preventing you from getting the nutrition that you need. I can't seem to stop it, the extra blood has slowed it down a little, but not quite enough. I'm sure you've noticed it when your heart begins to pound uncontrollably, when you lose your breath in the middle of a sentence, in the extreme fatigue, your intolerance to human food – food that you still need to survive. You need to be prepared, you need to understand just how dangerous this is, how worried we all are for you Bella." His face was creased with worry as he spoke and I could see just how much he and the rest of the family were concerned for me. The idea that I might not survive this, that I might never meet the two little people growing inside of me was suddenly more real, more frightening.

"I do, I understand Carlisle. Thank you." I whispered when he was finished and there was a thunderous silence throughout the house, the solemn mood completely different from the upbeat one that had encompassed us just minutes before. Edward's arm squeezed me into his side and I didn't dare to look at his face, at his eyes that I'm sure showed his fear, his own self-loathing.

Finally Carlisle's face relaxed a little bit more and he nodded his head once, as if to chase away the dark conversation and he looked back at me curiously. "So how are you feeling today Bella?" I couldn't help it, I burst out in a fit of giggles at the casual way the question rolled off his tongue after just finishing such a serious conversation.

Carlisle had been right though and my giggles couldn't last long once I had started, the laughter suddenly turning to wheezing as I quickly tried to regain my breath.

"Take a deep breath Bella." Edward shifted me so that he was in front of my face, and I struggled to do what he had asked. The pain in my ribs stung sharply as I slowly got control of my breathing and I winced as I gripped onto Edward's shirt tightly.

"I don't feel very well," I moaned and squeezed my eyes shut, the sudden pounding in my head turning into an intense dizziness.

"It's alright Love. Just keep breathing," Edward helped me lay back down on the bed, my broken rib aching at the effort of breathing steadily, my head pulsing in pain. By the time the room had stopped spinning Carlisle had already left and come back, a large cup filled with blood in his hands, a professional expression on his face that didn't quite mask his sadness.

Obediently I took the cup out of his hands and began to drink, taking long hard pulls from the straw. The feeling of the thick, sweet liquid coating my throat and partially soothing the non-stop burning in my throat before I turned my head, the urge to gag suddenly overpowering me.

As the dark red blood flowed back out of my mouth and into the bucket that Edward held up for me I felt my little girl shift, a foot or possibly a hand pushing up before the loud crack could be heard throughout the room, beyond my own retching.

"Why is she regurgitating the blood Carlisle? She hasn't eaten anything else, there's no reason for her to be sick like this." Edward's voice was slightly alarmed as he continued to hold my hair off of my face and the bucket to my lips, the blood becoming a pale pink as the acids from my stomach now burned my throat.

"I don't know Edward." Esme had brought in a fresh cloth and once I had nodded to her, indicating that I was finished she helped me clean my face and brush my teeth before Carlisle insisted that I lay back down so he could look at the rib that I already knew was broken.

"I want to do an x-ray, make sure there aren't any splinters." I groaned both from the pain and from the idea of another test being done.

"I just want to sleep..." I moaned, sucking in an agonizing breath at the pain. The last broken rib hadn't caused me this much pain when trying to speak.

"Eighteen weeks and already two broken ribs..." I heard Edward murmur from beside me and didn't know if he had intended for me to hear the obvious anger within his words.

I didn't say anything else as the two men whisked me into Carlisle's office to the x-ray quickly, their own silent conversation allowing me to be lost in my own thoughts while I recounted our earlier conversation, while I accepted that I might not have much longer to live. When I arrived in Edward's arms back to our room I smiled to see both Esme and Alice waiting for me, fresh pajamas laid out on the bed.

"I know you want to sleep Bella, but we figured that you might want to clean up and put on some fresh night clothes first." Edward sat me on the side of the bed, my feet dangling and Esme's arm wrapping around me for support. I tried not to hiss in pain as he stood up and turned to leave the room giving Alice a warning glare on his way out.

It was surprisingly quiet as the two women worked on helping me wash up, my own lack of energy to help not seeming to bother them. Feeling like a small child Esme helped me climb back into the bed and tucked the covers around me carefully, her hand stroking my head as struggled to get comfortable.

"Emmett and Rosalie dragged Edward out hunting." Esme smiled warmly as she spoke and I knew that she told me this for a reason. She knew that I was concerned about his health as well as my own and he had been insistent on not leaving my side since his last _hunting _trip. It also made me believe that she and Alice wanted to talk to me about something specific.

"Bella..." Alice began to speak nervously and I watched as her eyes shifted down to the ground. "I know that you've accepted it." she continued I wondered what she meant, why she would be bothered by me accepting what was happening.

"You can't accept your death Bella or you will die." her statement still confused me and Esme gave her a warning look as she continued to stroke my head, the urge to fall asleep fighting with my instinct to understand what Alice was saying to me. "Carlisle didn't know when he talked to you earlier what he was saying. I told you before that I've seen some things now... they aren't perfectly clear and it's been difficult to understand them... but Bella, I know that if you give up now, if you accept that you are going to die during this... then you will. You have to have the will to fight, the will to live through it and then... then there is a possibility..." There were tears in her eyes as she trailed off and I tried not to cry myself. I was tired, confused and in pain and to be honest, I didn't _want_ to die... I just knew that I _had _to.

"I don't understand what you're saying Alice." I told her bluntly and she blinked back the venom, her eyes still glistening slightly as she thought over my statement. Instead of answering me she softly whispered Jasper's name and seconds later there was a light knock on the door.

"May I come in?" he asked politely, and I nodded my head.

"Do you remember when you first came up here with Alice and Carlisle Bella? The way that your heart began to fail when you believed that Edward still didn't want you, when you decided to give in to the pain and die?" Jasper asked gently from beside Alice and I told him I did, it had seemed almost like the only option at the time.

"When mates separate Bella, the pain is intense and death is usually within several weeks, a couple of months at the most. But you held on throughout the pain Bella and managed to survive for months... your stubborn personality and your unwillingness to give up and let go is what kept you alive until you finally felt that there was no point in fighting it any longer." I wasn't quite sure where Jasper was going with his words so I simply waited patiently for him to continue.

"You are doing the same thing here Bella. The moment I felt your emotions on the pregnancy shift to that of acceptance, Alice's visions changed and you... well now, you die." he was blunt and I was grateful that he wasn't holding anything back from me. "Whereas before you were determined that you could do it and to be honest it - determination - was the strongest emotion that I've ever felt from you, and Alice's vision showed glimpses of you as one of us in the future. As with all of her visions, they depend on whatever decision you make." I understood now what he had meant and I nodded my head in agreement, my mind swimming with possibilities.

"So if I convince myself that I'm strong enough, that I can do it... everything will be alright?" I asked and he frowned slightly as though I was getting it all wrong.

"We can't promise you that it will be easy Bella, or that you will come out of this without any scars – emotional or physical – but you will survive it. From the little bits that I've seen I think that this might be the hardest thing that you will ever go through... but I also am pretty sure it will be worth it." Alice spoke up and I smiled just slightly in understanding, my determination already back, stronger than before.

"Thank you Alice... Jasper..." I whispered softly and they both smiled down at me. Jasper pulled his wife into his side and I watched as they connected on a level that only they could, it was something amazing to watch as they almost seemed to meld into one being.

Finally the room quieted down, the only one left with me being Esme as she quietly sat, still stroking my head as I closed my eyes, willing sleep to find me. I was more at peace than I had been in weeks.

_I am strong enough._ I thought to myself through the painful breaths, through the kicks that made my stomach feel like it was exploding, and through the dizzy nauseous feeling that just wouldn't go away.

_I will make it through this. We will be fine. _Were the last thoughts that flooded my head before sleep finally descended, the brief peaceful feelings broken as the nightmares once again intruded.

**A/N: Another chapter up and posted. I hope you enjoyed it, no Victoria in this one just a few things that have been concerning our family, some fun moments and of course some martyr Bella... Please R & R!**

**** All twilight references, characters etc... are the property of S. Meyer I only play with her creations to see what I can do with them :)**


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